The fabric stories are made from

Every good story needs a secret. What is mine you are surely asking?

The excess is mine. My way of coping with emotional distress or pain is basically going into overdrive. The discontent manifesting itself in all sorts of forms. Depending on my feeling and the shape I am in resistance is impossible. Maybe it is the borderline traits or the hedonist in me or even both?

Coping with the loss I took to shopping to fill the void, the time before that I tried to wash away the pain, In another epitome, I took to vanishing – thank god that problem was only minor in hindsight and snapped out of it rather fast. Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all too well.

Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all to well.

But who am I punishing with this? Actually only myself, but my brain has somehow become wired that way. It actually believes this is the best way to cope and I am not the only one that functions that way. Realising this I am always on the ball questioning my choices but does this behaviour not lead to other problems e.g. becoming paranoid about your own choices. I find it tiresome and unnerving. Where is the balance and where do I go?

Learning but what is right?

I try to take everything as a learning experience but does that mean I take everything too seriously? I am trying to de-wire myself from the constant question feed, as I do believe in learning but I see the benefit in not questioning everything after getting to know someone who actually outshines me in that region. It makes you grumpy, lonely, unhappy and paranoid. I am too young to be a grumpy person. As my friend so nicely put it at the weekend we have known each other for eight years and you still look just like you did when I first met you. So if I do not look old why behave old?

Like in all things in life you need to have a balance but that balance is the hardest thing to obtain. It is like love an ever evolving, flowing and transforming matter.

Choices vs Voices

I am happy with my new lifestyle choices even if they are not appreciated and openly welcomed by all. In life, you have to do what is right for you. When I say that I mean things that entail your choices but do not harm others. Annoyances will occur and be unavoidable, unfortunately.

Find your path and follow it…

And if the people love you they will be happy for you.

Bush fires everywhere

Right from the eye

Everywhere I turn at the moment there seem to be a shitstorm, 2 personal ones and 1 at work. It seems like the Neptune constellation is tiding up.

Why it all has exploded is slightly puzzling for me. I just know that actually all emanated from me or had my incentive behind it. It was not my purpose to wreck havoc. The first was my joke which was executed by another that led to one hell of an uproar, the second was a wrongdoing of someone else that then ended in false information perusing the internet, which I wanted to have rectified, ending in a lynch mob and last but not least getting no result from specialist on a project near to completion at work.

At the moment I have an even lower tolerance for stupidity than usual and I am contemplating a digital detox hike for myself to get away from all the mess, lazy people, absentees, provocateurs and stupidity. Taking the time for myself along a trail.

In life the focus should be on yourself and what works for you, as in reality a limited amount of people will and even those manage to disappoint.

Lemons and Lemonade

I am limiting my social connections to the people that give me a good feeling and make an effort. With the momentary situation, I do not feel the need to waste my time on people who 1. make me feel bad or 2. show no real value towards me.

Focusing on my sport, social projects, hobbies and other things. Doing basically what feels right for me.

I have not quite figured out where the lemonade is in this equation. Maybe God is trying to test my nerves and yes I am still angry with God or this entity, whichever way you want to see it. Not being angry at times like this is a virtue and you probably have the patience of a saint, which I surely do not possess.

Justice best-served ice cold

In the end, the person telling only half of the story regarding the shit storms got their just deserved. Exclusion from all events. I kind of believe they would have not admitted to their faults had it not been for the witnesses. I might be wrong, but the fact is most people do not like to admit to their mistakes, flaws or faults.

For me, nothing much changed. I just decided to go my own way and open my own social group where I can keep a closer eye on the participants.

Don’t you just love when a plan works out?


To my readers

Sorry for the absence but I needed to take a time out for myself to get my head around things. As all the stress the last few days has made me feel a little detached, down and frustrated. Dealing with an injured arm, a building site, operations, the grief, relationship issues, a friendship collapsing, building a new meet up group was a little much.

It never rains it always pours as my mother would say….

The grief I was trying to ignore, now it is starting to break out in bouts at the most inappropriate of times. I do not know if my ignoring it is not working or if this is part of the process in the sense of delayed onset? Anyhow, I am doing the only correct thing there is, accepting it and letting it out even if that means crying on the bus. Locking away my emotions is what led to my OCD.

As for the building site, actually it is finished but as anyone who has ever dealt with a building site knows, for the next few months there will be things creeping up the whole time. Frustrating about it was having to manage every little detail as the architect and the project planner had not thought the design trough consequently and had made any possible error one could have made.

Taking a timeout?

I had contemplated doing a hike to air my mind till one of my friends so kindly pointed out that my plan had a flaw. It would actually mean taking leave to do it. Firstly google will only give you the route in exact hours not taking in account sleeping or the fact that I presumably cannot and will not be walking more than 10 hours a day. With that being said a 250 km hike would mean I would be walking for approximately 9 days. So no hiking for me right now, which is sad as I had really fallen in love with that idea. Detox from people, phones and other rubbish.

I will find the time eventually to do this detox.

Social Glue

Alpha in the group

Yesterday I went to my usual Wednesday meetup of about 50 people. There I have my specific group of people which I talk to but I also try to mingle with new people and make new friends. Sitting in a group, as usual, I realised that as soon as I left the group it fell to pieces and went quiet, but upon return to the non-existent table the constellation reappeared; social glue or the alpha woman syndrome.

Have you ever noticed that people in groups always have a ringleader? An alpha that rules the conversation and leads it? You can spot them quite easily by looking at who everybody’s feet are pointing too. Usually, when that person leaves there is a vacuum within the group, everybody starts looking lost till someone else takes over or the lot disperses. I have found myself in this role a lot of times. I enjoy being the social glue the one giving the inputs for the conversations to flow, the levelling the playing field and the bringing together people of all different mindsets. Sometimes I bring the glue and sometimes it is the fire I bare.

Fire or glue what do you want?

Or the root of all evil

Talking about ringleader, when some event gets out of hand and because of suggestive jokes made by you, are you the root of all evil or are the people executing what you said as a joke the ones at fault?
There is a shitstorm brewing online because a girl I know slapped a guys butt at the last meet up. This super macho took to his social media to vent on this, which to be quite frank is a joke. The situation honestly got mainly out of hand because he got angry, did not say no and then only got more out of hand because both of them do not know when to stop. However, I find his tirade questionable as this self-proclaimed strong man takes to the web to let out his anger instead of making up there and then just by saying no. Why do men have problems accepting no? Let’s not mention using the word no to tell somebody when enough is enough!

Complaining later online because your ego is damaged and you have pondered on this for a week is sad. Why have people forgotten how to solve problems face to face like adults rather than venting on social media?

What is up with this I am a victim lullaby for minor failings of another? Crying out me too is becoming excessive from both sides and I am happy when both finally come to their senses. I still believe the exorbitant use of it leads to the degradation of the real victims like in the story of the boy that cried wolf one too many times.

Crying wolf too many times harms the real victims!

Help, I need somebody – Help, not just anybody

What is going on?

In the wake of things, it has become painstakingly obvious that self-sabotage is my biggest flaw. What do you do when you realise you are your own worst enemy?

Our mind is a powerful tool, which when used the wrong way can lead to all sorts of ills. For instance, we start imagining things and believing they are real when they actually only stem from your own imagination. Illusion as the foundation for all evil. If you do not have the facts and you let your mind run riot…

Our mind is a powerful tool….

You know you have lost your mind, when…

I went a bit crazy last week and start imaging things to my dismay, dragging people into the vortex of my crazy mind. I ended up winding myself up more and more till I actually reached the point of break down. Not as bad as in the past years during my depression but bad enough to feel like I had harmed myself.
I was really saddened by the realisation that it had mainly stemmed from my own imagination. The enemy was me.
This not being the first time I had encountered this situation and I am really bent on getting this fixed as I for sure do not want to deal with this again and again or it to become a chronic coping mechanism.

Fear is the worst leader to follow. It will either inhibit you or worse drive you and in the worst case, it will devour you. I am sure you are all aware of the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy where what you focus on you attract. Meaning if you dread something and focus on it you will ironically attract exactly that.

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.

And so the behaviour manifests itself.

Well, meet the master. It is now obvious to me I have a problem and it will go on to my list of things to tackle in therapy. I never used to have this or at least not to this extent and I was blissfully unaware.

Solving your problems

There are many ways to tackle problems but all of them have certain things in common:

  1. To know you have a problem you need to realise you have one
  2. You need to be willing to do something about it
  3. Either you know the solution and if not do not be scared to ask for help
  4. Work on it, train the brain, perfect it, work on yourself

I am at stage three. I have half of the solution so I will go looking for the other half.

However, you should never be ashamed to ask for help or for acknowledging your flaws as it is not a weakness but a strength. Being true to yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are with all your facets is the most powerful thing.

You are you and all you do, all you want to change should be for you. The change you make for yourself is your biggest gift you can give yourself, as you do it for only you.



Magnified Emotions

Dealing with commitment phobia, distance and everything else

For me, many things feel odd and in my eyes seem to be not going my way right now. I do not know if that is a result of me or many factors. On the one hand, I am dealing with my pain and at the same time battling a distance issue and commitment phobia of someone else, which on a normal day is frustrating but given my emotional state is just hurtful. I hate feeling like this, as if it is a one-sided thing, just being handed bread crumbs and me being the driving force behind it.
I do not know if this is just a magnified sensation that I harbour due to my raw soul or if this is reality. But then what do you define as reality?
It is for me my reality, always. Or how do you define your feelings?
What I mean with that is; it would still be my reality, even if I saw it differently. As Buddhism says nothing is real it is all just mere imagination. So depending on how you feel, your emotions will influence your perception.

Nonetheless, it still does not change the fact I wished to be treated differently. I for myself am trying to figure out how I want to deal with this situation as I have been quite clear with my wishes, which are not unreasonable. I call that hearing but not listening! Listening would imply it has sunk in and hopefully I would see a change. So is it “selective hearing”, so not really listening or blunt disinterest? Who knows. Time will tell.

Being there when someone needs you the most can make the world of difference to them.

With the shift in constellations what is to come?

Uranus transitioning into Taurus pushes our limits and forces us to evolve. I want to harness the Uranian energy to write an exciting new chapter of in my life for the better.

I somehow wish for a major change and maybe a little destruction. I guess that is my masked grief still speaking. I want to move on from all the pain from the last years and hope that this change will bring something good. Moving on, evolving and pushing boundaries is one of the hardest things. It involves facing your fear head on and going beyond comfort. Fear and pain inhibit us to the extent you become motionless and stationary if you let it take over. At the moment my biggest fear is facing my emotion of pain. I feel it impairing me in other aspects of my life. I have become sensitive again and easily riled but facing it is something I am avoiding. As I have been told that is not a healthy way of dealing with grief but what do you do if that behaviour is so ingrained? I am actively trying to face my grief, giving it a time frame somewhere within the day to mourn my loss, avoiding to protract my grief again like I did the last three times.
Moving past old habits and behaviour is equally challenging, staying the way you are and handling things the way you always have is easy, effortless and comfortable. So actually at the moment, I am challenged with myself and others with me and my mood.

At the moment I am challenged with myself and others with me.

The verdict of this all

I feel a bit like a mad person rambling to themselves. Maybe I am. I do not know. I feel very much lost and confused. All seems very empty, challenging and little much at this time and I sincerely long for an escape.



Grief or not Grief

It comes in waves

How or when do you know if it is grief or if you are heading towards a depression. It is hard to tell as both have very similar symptoms and grief can slowly transform into a depression. I am closely monitoring myself to avoid spiralling out of control again. I am also trying to counteract it by doing the opposite of what I did last time and what I feel like doing this time (want to stay home and mope on the couch), which is going out and socialising avoiding becoming an hermit.
Sometimes it is okay and I feel good and then around the next corner comes this waves of sadness or emptiness. To be honest I have not slept properly in ten days and feel absolutely exhausted. Unfortunately luck is not on my side at the moment, as the only thing that would cheer me up is out of reach. So I am doing best with what I have and trying to steer clear of the hole. It is so easy to get sucked into it rather then to get your ass up and do something to make you feel better.

Avoiding becoming an hermit

Feel Good Box

I put together a box for rainy days like this. It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better. So when I feel down I draw a card and see what it suggests. Obviously the idea is not to pull 100 as you will always find a reason to opt out of things when depressed or down. It is three strickes and you are out.

I find the it really helpful as I do not need to think of things which can be a challenge when you are sad. It gets me doing things instead of moping around which is paramount when you are down. It instantly cheers me up.

It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better.

Grieving is the time to be selfish

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently. I think the most important part is to follow what works for you and feels natural even if it is not what is perceived to be correct by society.
I know I am being selfish right now and I hope the people in my surroundings can accept and understand I have to handle it my way and the way that is right for me even if they feel locked out or ignored.

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently