Sticky feelings

Attention, focus, where?

Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the type that sticks around like something’s in your teeth? I find that enticing depending on who we are talking about. Feeling a little like honey for the bees at the moment, which is entertaining as I am independent and enjoy being at a good point with myself and aiming my focus there. I am taking pleasure in and sucking up the beauty of life from the morning dew that sticks to the grass before the heat, to the ripples on the water formed by stones hitting it, from the wind blowing through the leaves and the wonderful forceful storms that roll over us at night, whilst helping others grow and find their path.

I have learnt that life is like a river, sometimes it is still flowing, sometimes an unpredictable force, that makes its own choice where to flow by right of passage. Manoeuvring its way across the landscape taking with whatever it wants whilst channelling its way moving forward.

Me and the river have things in common we flow at our own pace and in our own way. As life is not predictable and inevitably does not always go the way we want it to the secret to having a comfortable life is going with the flow and seeing where life takes you. Why bother forcing things? I have for too long with a minimal income to output given.

Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the type that sticks around like something’s in your teeth?

Remembering the past

But why do people come back, what is their agenda? You are asking yourself why am I thinking about an agenda? Well everybody has an agenda. Behind everything we do, there is an agenda. Anyone denying that fact is being dishonest.

What is your agenda?

I have been dealing with someone for far too long that has a recurring pattern of coming closer and then pushing away. Actually, I can name a few in the past that did this. I know it is down to his reactive attachment disorder steming from the long hospital stays as a child, but if in inhibits you and ruins your relationships to others and puts them under emotional turmoil you should really get it sorted. However, with this one, it is very apparent to me what he is doing, despite his belief that I do not. He believes he is in control and controlling me. He does not realise I have had him sussed out all along, but to be quite honest I am at the end of my tether. I do not want to have to play games with someone who is immature, unhappy and has self-esteem issues that they let out on me. I want someone who wants me, treasures me, enjoys my company, can offer security and just lets a relationship grow naturally without overanalysing or forcing something.

I want someone who wants me, treasures me, enjoys my company, can offer security and just lets a relationship grow naturally without overanalysing or forcing something.

It is easy to say all this being in a position of contement but I worked to get here. All the sweat, pain and tears that flowed into getting here are not visible and the emotional scars are healing. They will take some time but man I fought to get here. When I did not know what to do or how to get here, I got myself help. So please do it for the people who surround you and have to put up with you, but most of all do yourself the favour and get yourself help. Life is too short and nice to waste it on petty games, hurting and harming yourself and others.

Life is too short and nice to waste it on petty games, hurting and harming yourself and others.

Law of attraction

Ask and the universe will provide

That is quite true but what we forget is it can go both ways. Somethings find us, others we actively pursue with our mind or physically, that all emanates energy. Life is full of choices and wishes filling our surroundings with energy. Jung would say feeding the collective unconscious. That is why a positive mindset is paramount to your own happiness. For me it became most prominent coming out of my depression, how much power my mind had and how it had taken possession of my surroundings, moulding it. To evoke change and  maintain the good vigour I have decided to try to banish bad thoughts and negative people. With negative people come bad thoughts as they set fleas into your ears. My thoughts when healthy never stem from myself they are always evoked by others. Unfortunately, the negative people are harder to avoid as they can be found at work where they cannot be avoided or at the beginning it may not be apparent that they are a negative person and it only manifests itself over time. The worst thing about negative people is that they influence your mindset to your detriment, evoke stress and mostly treat you badly in the process. So if you want to stay healthy and happy then good riddance to bad people or the unhappy, as they will only drag you down. Obviously, I am not suggesting to through really good friends away that are having a hard time but we all have one or two permanent sourpusses in our circle of friends. Who needs them?

A positive mindset is paramount to your own happiness

Ask but how?

The other thing is the way you ask for things. The purer, the kinder the wish the higher the chances of receiving. The other factor that should be considered is that what you ask for does not necessarily materlise in that moment and sometimes never. It is a request and not a command. The universe owes you nothing. That is why you should always request something humbly and respectfully. Karma and the universe have a balance that will make sure everybody gets their just derserved.

I have had the best things happen to me when I least expected it and I have had some whishes come true. I have seen some being punished with instant karma. It is all there. I have actually made a wish board that is hanging on my door. Some have come true with a twist which is the way life functions. So always be careful what you wish for and how you phrase it, as even the most accurate version still has pitfalls. However, overally I am happy and trust the universe in its own enterity that it will provide me with what I need and it deems best for me, even if it does not always make sense to me.

However, overally I am happy and trust the universe in its own enterity that it will provide me with what I need and it deems best for me, even if it does not always make sense to me.




Take far away and make it close

Words of wisdom

For some it is an active choice while others just stumble into it – long distance relationships. No matter which angle you are coming from it does not make it any easier. I have been searching for the formula to make a partnership like that work but also rewarding. The most important thing to bear in mind is that it is and will take a lot of work to make it work. However, it is a learning experience worthwhile and an enlightenment in terms of the relationship itself. Having a distance can really set into perspective how much you mean to each other and show you how important you are to your partner.

I want to be a choice not an option

That quote sticks in my mind when it comes to this topic. The distance is a make it or break it thing. Most men will not put up with it or lose sight of the goal. If not you really have a keeper who fancies you to the moon and back.

Keeping the eye on the ball

No, I have not been watching too much world cup nor does this paragraph have anything to do with football. It is a simple summary of solutions/ideas/inspirations, name it what you want, to help with overcoming the distance, staying close and bonding with your beloved one.

  • Create a date night
    With that I mean take a few hours at least once a week where you share time together as a couple doing the same thing but via phone or facetime. It might sound really silly but share a beer at the pub together via telephone or watching a film together via facetime. That can have a real impact and be the little but important difference.
  • Saying Good Morning and Good Night
    It does not even have to be a call. Just a little text to let the other know how important they are and that you are thinking about them can go a long way.
  • Texting about little things during the day
    Same here, it lets your opposite know you are interested, want to share things with them and that you cherish them being a part of your life. It is synonymous with the important moments you want to tell the most valuable people in your life about first.
  • Handwritten notes and letters
    I know that most people do not favour those things nowadays but I believe it just makes it that much more valuable when you do. Send him or her a letter. I personally love hiding notes whenever I see him again anywhere from jacket pockets to the fridge, nowhere is out of bounds. It makes his day every time and even makes him chuckle when it is in a ridiculous place like the fridge.
  • Communicate
    Communication is paramount when you live apart as that is the only form of intimacy possible across the distance so you should exploit this as much as you can. Talk about things that move or bother you freely. Holding back tends to build a wall, open communication makes the relationships stronger.
  • Surprise turn up
    I would not try this one unless you have conspired with a friend or family member of your other half. So that they can prevent him or her from making any real plans otherwise this one might just backfire and you are left sitting by yourself.
  • I smell you
    We all have things we love about our partner, like his or her smell, so giving them a worn t-shirt or hair scrunchy that smells of you is a little but very effective memory trigger, as most of our subconscious or memory is very easily accessed via smell or music.
  • Mixtape
    This is considered old school too, but like I mentioned above, it is an effective method to trigger the memories of good times past.
  • Little surprise aka care packet
    It is just a box that can be sent or handed over with little goodies that show you care, as they are things your other half enjoys or things from your neck of the woods that make him or her recall you.
  • Remembering things
    Remembering things they told you about things going on in their life or what they like or do not, all those things are important in an everyday partnership but even more so when apart. So if you have to take notes, then do.  She or  He will cherish you for remembering her love of daisies or that he drinks his coffee with 2 lumps of sugar.
  • Sexting, phone sex, etc.
    I do not find it a bad idea at all. I am just very careful perse about these things, as the last thing I want is, to turn up on an illicit page with my bits showing. It can keep things hot and steamy so I suggest go for it with caution, know your boundaries and do not let anyone talk you into anything you do not feel comfortable with.

These are some of the things I have deemed very helpful. I will come back and update the list from time to time when I remember things or have new findings. I hope that these suggestions will provide help to those who are in need of it. If you have any suggestions of your own, please do not hesitate to add them into the comment section, as I am always willing to learn.

Remember the most important thing is to stay connected



Hold on the slipper should be on my foot

Wicked games

I have followed the advice given to not be a doormat, which besides the little hiccups is working a treat. I am focusing on myself and ignoring those who treat me with ill contempt. I am not denying the fact that there are the moments that are hard as they sneak back into your mind and I feel an intoxicating drag but thank god they swiftly disappear when I decide to dance, let my emotions flow freely and express them. That is my output, my catharsis.

I decide to dance, let my emotions flow freely and express them.

What is the point of games? Some people use them as entertainment, which is just sick, childish and petty, others have their own problems and cannot really figure out how to navigate their own personal minefields. Then to be honest you should not be dating.
Mr’s idea was to give me guns in form of allowances, which in return he hoped I would end up shooting myself with. The funniest thing is it turned into his own personal noose. By ignoring him as a punishment I just realised I can live fine without him. Ignorance as punishment has the opposite effect it frees me. The less I see and hear you the less present you are, the less interesting you are, the more I forget you subsequently you vanish into the background like a past memory till you are erased. I am sure I am not the only one who functions the same.

The funniest thing is it turned into his own personal noose. By inoring him as a punishment I just realised I can live fine without him.


Glad I am here

When it comes to my own sanity, I am glad about where I am. The fight and journey, all plights and successes have paid off to get here. It all becomes so obvious when things go wrong. How far I have come. I feel myself again and reincarnated. This is the first year I feel like myself again after all those years of depression, OCD, death, loss and anger.

I have found my solutions to solve my issues when they arise now. I will have still have to come up with a remedy or even better a prevention in case the same shall arise at a later date, but with a little help from my psychologist, I hope I will manage to find the solution.

Here is my list of helpful aids:

  • Talk to friends
  • Do sports – channel the anger
  • Dance off  – let the emotions out
  • Go out – do something nice for yourself
  • Love yourself – You are GREAT the way you are
  • Ignore bad behaviour or they learn you will accept bad behaviour

Find out what works for yourself and treat yourself with respect. You deserve no less!




Commitment phobia

Toying with yourself

Sometimes commitment phobia needs though love. I mean after all, where do you draw the line? I might have become harder with age when it comes to accepting bs from people. I mean in the end, there is only a fine balance between giving someone a second chance and them taking you for a mug. Where do you draw the line?

With all that is going on, I really don’t want to be bothered dealing with other people’s attitudes or their insecurities.

At my meet up the past turned up by asking to participate, being the friendly unspiteful person I am, I let him participate. Not forseeing the rest that followed…

I was torn between wanting the attention and ignoring him as I did not want to give him a gratification for bad behaviour, which he in the end just embodied without much effort.

Sometimes commitment phobia needs though love

What does it look like?

People who have relationship anxiety have a problem committing or staying in a relationship for a longer period of time. Their feelings of love are experienced as more intense and scary than that of the general population. They feel increased anxiety, which builds upon itself and snowballs as the relationship progresses — and the expectation of a commitment looms larger. They actually do want a long-term connection but their fear is larger and more overwhelming than their wish. They have a pattern of self-sabotage. They may be aware of it consciously but do not know how to slay their dragon or they may be in denial. The worst part is that they do not just put themselves under pressure and stress themselves out, they drag the unknowing love interested into to their emotional turmoil too.

Firstly there is the issue as bystander, what do you do? There are two options – learn to live with it or tell the person to hit the road. Secondly as the inflictor of drama you may ask yourself where the problem stems from, but in the long run if you do not want to be alone, you will have to sort out your own mindset and/or get yourself help. Figuring out what you want will surely help a little but mostly the fear stems from the thought that this is fixed and a sealed deal till eternity or it is the fear of missing out on something better, or even just the partners imperfections. The eternal thought and missing out fear can be counter balanced by reminding yourself that anything in life is rarely for eternity and you always have the option to change your mind. Those thoughts can really help elevate the pressure you put on yourself. When it comes to the fear of choosing someone that is imperfect, well have looked in the mirror, nobody is perfect, learn to love your partners quirks that is what makes them uniquely them!

  1. Remeber nothing is forever
  2. You can change your mind
  3. Learn to love your partners flaws
  4. Grow, bond, get to know each other as friends

The fourth point is the hardest, as this is the epitome of fear infliction. It is a cat and mouse game of getting closer and then out of panic retreating. Realising there is this cycle is the first step to breaking free, followed by actively embracing your fear and accepting it without retreating. Facing it full front will soften the blow everytime a little more until it the dread will be defeated.

Within accepting the phobia lies the power of solace, as it your soul will find freedom in the exposure.

It is the journey not the destination

My Heart and Soul

I have been told I talk about concrete like other girls talk about makeup. I remember that day so vividly when I took on that job. Sitting in the entrance waiting to be picked up for the interview I was sitting there thinking what the hell am I doing here. Look it is only for a few months. After the interview, I was going to give my then boss the refusal for the position. Funnily however when I had him on the phone I could not muster up the courage to do so.

I stayed for the longest period I have ever stayed anywhere. What I had no interested in grew to become a passion of mine, people became friends and I look back at that time wanting to savour every moment forever. I fun projects, got to work with people from every part of the world and learnt the most amazing things about topics I believed would bore me.

In life it is not really about finding your passion it is about keeping an open mind, growing and learning new things. So, probably more fitting would be the wording growing your passion? I never imagined this to turn into a passion of mine, just goes to show you can really learn to be interested in things that can evolve into more.

Grow your passion!

Remembering the good times

The massive global image video I was working on finally got finished and I was not there to see my baby through. I had the prestigious task of designing the image video for one of the global brands of the world’s biggest company in the industry. I remember how much effort, sweat, blood (yes, there was literally my blood flowing for this) and tears that went into this project. I have never been a big person to brag about my achievements, my friends will all agree but that did hurt. Seeing the finished product stirred up a lot of emotions, seeing old colleagues, customers, people I had become friends with over the years and most of all remembering all the fun we had. Where do you go from there when all is over?

At the beginning of last year, I was battling inner demons in regards to leaving. It is always hard to move on if it is by choice or not.

At first, I wanted to get ahead and move on but I still find myself falling back and remembering this place and all entailed. I know it is merely a memory and all is different but I find comfort in the knowledge that following the usual cycle of a decade I will be in a place that I enjoy equally as much as I did that one and that my dear comes from experience. Life is an ever-evolving stream of chances some better than other and the least appealing are mostly the blessing in disguise.

Life is an ever evolving stream of chances some better than other and the least appealing are mostly the blessing in disguise.

Having the power to stick it out

Best laid plans go to mice and men…..

Could have been the title to this weekend. It started off with my scrapped travel plans. So being down and really disappointed I resulted in scrapping my amp up the game approach and follow my flawed hedonist nature. Did I tick the box on sports in a minor sense, I certainly ignore Victoria Secret’s advice, I hell did not follow through my wish to downsize my belongings. In short, I did nothing, not even my 100 squat challenge.

The problem behind this situation is that disappointment is paralysing not like anger that invigorates. I am not quite sure how to channel the disappointment into anger which I could then use to fuel my causes.

When mañana is the tenor…

I have become softer with myself but does that transfer to other? That for sure not with certain people, especially when they annoy the crap out of me. I do think being soft and tough at the right time is important and at the moment two people are benched by me till they pull their socks up as my mother would say.

Is that tough enough for their misbehaviour? I will accept the challenge that the heart does not grow founder but colder with absence. In general, when it comes to right and wrong there is none in regards how to handle soft and though in a relationship. You just have to follow your gut feeling and try to limit the overthinking. The overthinking or analysing being the hardest part. If I count the endless hours I waisted on questioning things, analysing my behaviour, the opposites, I just see a surmounted waste of time. So good riddance to games and other things. I also believe this world would be a better place if people just quit playing games and were honest with each other.

Why do we not just quit playing games?