Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.

 

 

Your Hobnail Boots

Think before you speak

How a mood can change in a blink of an eye just by saying something offensive. People are rarely aware of what they say and the way you phrase things can lead to a quite different outcome of a situation. It can cause an affront if a word or sentence is chosen without a second thought. That is, even more, the case when dealing with people that are not native to your language. Wright or wrong it still hurts.

I wish people would put more thought into their choices when communicating. In these fast-paced times with loads of communication pipelines, people have become lenient with their wording and unreflected when saying something. I do not always say kind things but even then they are never unreflected, which might seem to some cruel or harsh. Every word is orchestrated.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my surroundings to be slightly more refined with their communication, as you can often tell if someone is offbeat. Instead of receiving kind words and a shoulder to lean on when I am feeling down I have just received negative comments about my achievements. It hurts and everything is more amplified when you are down. I know the intention behind it was to push me to excel but it is a misguided version of it. The worst about it is I am guilty of the exact same crime. However, whenever I come across something that is done to me that I do not like and I realise I have done similar I will apologise. I enjoy reflecting on my behaviour to improve as that is the only way forward. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my sourroundings to be slightly more refined.

Settling myself

I am giving this whole discussion that is making me feel uneasy and unhappy a break. Giving things a breather helps me focus my attention, as well as calming my upset nerves. I know that avoiding things it not the way forward that is why I state it is a breather. Despite not feeling like going out and hosting my own meetup I will be joining my friends for drinks. Sometimes dragging yourself out even if you do not feel like it can help to change your mood and give you another mindset. Then I can tackle this discussion hopefully from a kinder and less personal angle. I do not want to be surrounded by negative people with a negative mindset. That will only lead to me withdrawing. I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

 

Excited & Nervous

It is like waiting for Christmas

When you are anticipating something great it feels like forever. At this exact moment, I am sitting here watching time dragging on and waiting for it to pass. I have a long weekend of fun and good company ahead of me but it feels like forever to come. Frustrating is the knowledge that it will be over in a blink of an eye when it is here. I am nervous, excited and a little overwhelmed by my own anticipation.

I am honestly trying to maintain my poise and not run through the office bouncing, as that is what I feel like on the inside. To battle my nervousness and excitement I decided to give the headspace meditation app another chance. The first time it honestly just wound me up even more rather than calming me.

Calm as a river

Miracles do happen. The app really helped. It made me unwind and calmed me massively, I did not believe it would as my first experience with it was far from convinced. I know meditation and mindfulness can be really beneficial for your mental health but I seem to fail horribly on finding the time for it. Those benefits were the reason why I started with yoga in the first place. It helps me let go of things worrying me, empties my head and centres me. It decelerates me.

I acctually I have wanted to take up medidation but never seem to find the time for it.

I have to admit I would have chosen a guy with a nicer English pronunciation and a huskier voice but then I was not the inventor or marketer for this app. However, it is useful and really works as it allows you to wind down without investing too much time. Anyone can find 2 minutes in their day to sit down, close their eyes, listen and meditate. It is this simple. The app may also help to function as a reminder to do so. For me, however, it would still need an alarm feature to remind me to take the time to meditate. The design is nice, happy, friendly and colourful. The layout could be better, I do find it a little annoying to navigate but overall it is a good idea. This is not an advertisement or a serious review for this app and it is up to you to decide what you would like to work with. I do honestly believe in the benefits of meditation and yoga on your mental health and it has been scientifically proven.

So stay healthy and calm. Namaste!

 

 

 

Life is merely a journey

Joyfully awaited

I try to enjoy every moment in life and really suck up the good especially following the years of despair. If anyone would have told me I would feel this way again, I would have not believed them. It took a lot to get here but now I finally am, I am content within myself and my life even if it is not perfect.

When you are depressed or suffer from anxiety life seems to have these layers of haze on them. It is hard to see past the veil of negativity that covers you. It all has this greyish tint and dusty feel. Surpassing this mindset is a trial, as it sucks you in and drags you down. It feels like a lead belt that is keeping you deeply underwater. Managing to fight your way out can only be done by breaking the mould/mindset in small portions.

All the effort and work that went in was the same as losing weight, you lost some, you gained some and the change came in spurts. The last year was like I am on the last one hundred meters and they are just dragging on. When will this stop? Will this ever end? Sometimes I was at the end of my tether with the situation but my mantra has always been never give up. This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. It is like a sunrise. Remember a day when you stayed up all night and unintentionally you saw the sunrise. That is the exact feeling you come out with at the end. A warm, loving and happy feeling. A forgiving and a thankfulness. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis. That is the thing to remember and to hold on to when dealing with one.

This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis

Change the game

The other thing is, you will actively have to force your mind into a more positive mindset in stages. Your mind is a powerful tool and having the wrong programme running in the background can really sabotage you. How perceive things influence your choices and behaviour, which will then influence your life and the way you handle things. The more positive you try to be the more things will shift towards the better. Your attitude will also help your convalescence if not even drive it.

Be the change you want to see!

 

 

Violated

Respecting others boundaries

I have my private space, which surrounds me like anyone else. In the last two days, it has been violated by two different people, on two different occasions and by two different genders. I believe one should respect others boundaries and realise when someone is feeling uncomfortable. Obviously, some people have no sense of others private space or know when they are overstepping a line or they bluntly choose to ignore it. Though with most I am sure it is just pure blindness. Blinded by want, lust, need or hope, which still does not make it better or right.

Pointing it out

Despite being a confident individual even I lack to voice my opinion in moments like this or to be harsher. Though I should be. I may lack in spine, but mostly I am so startled that I say things in a too polite manner or not at all, which is wrong.
It should be a firm and pointed remark stating how this is making me feel, what it is that is bothering me and asking the person to stop. If that is ignored then I would go to the next step and physically make my point.

But why do we lack in doing so? I believe it has to do with the need to be connected, not wanting to disappoint, which is wrong, as by accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do! Screw losing others or disappointing. Then there is the barter factor/scenario, that is a choice that one can later become to regret. That can also become a very sticky situation, where you find yourself manoeuvred into to corners that make you feel queasy and uncomfortable.

Never accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

By accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do!

Say no and stay firm! Go with what you are comfortable with not more.

 

 

The Rollercoaster that life is

Where will you take yourself?

Life is like a rollercoaster or like the tide, a constant fluctuation of emotions. We eternally are seeking happiness within ourselves or others. Striving for that constant, that is an idealistic perception of humankind. Never the less there is a tone that sets the mood, sometimes for the better or the worse.

Which will it be?

I do believe we can choose our mindset and our choice influences our surroundings, our future and our soul. So choose wisely.

As these days are growing darker and colder, the nights becoming a drag, I choose happiness, laughter, warm fires, friends and hot chocolate. I could see it as a depressing time of year, with a lot of grey, cold with darkness, but I choose to focus on the little things that make me happy. Like the odd days when the sun is out and ever so golden on the horizon, the snow that makes for fun times with friends, the darkness and cold that makes for cosy evenings on the sofa with hot chocolate, the time to enjoy card or board games and puzzles, the time to enjoy that good read in a hot bath, the time with family to eat fondue. The little things like that. Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Nothing lasts forever if you can accept the fact that life and happiness are fleeting it will enable you to be a happier and more content as a person, as you will learn to enjoy each moment with the intensity it deserves. Seeing pleasure and reaping satisfaction in those fleeting moments that make for a great life. Without the pain, we would not be able to appreciate the good.  So embrace your emotions, let the bad out and savour the good.

Enjoy the autumn guys!

 

Getting the better of me

To be mortified, or not to be

My fear of flying got the better of me today. I became so stressed to the point I could feel the onset of fainting. The foggy head feeling, hearing impaired and you feel like you are burning up. The next thing you know you are out like a light.

I used to be really used to flying and actually enjoyed it. As children, we would be flying at least once a year. Then I had a break and since then I have somehow become phobic about it. It all happened after the manifestation of my OCD and that is all about being in control. So I am thinking it might be a control issue. It is hard to say as anxiety, OCD and control are have overlapping features.

If we were meant to fly we would have wings!

Aviophobia

At this point, it is hard to concentrate on anything else, which frankly is just stupid as this is winding me up even more. I cannot even remember what my psychologist said about fear and the amygdala, seemingly they have something to do with each other. It is there on the tip of my tongue but not accessible.

I will just confront my fear head on and sit through it like I learnt in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), as the body can only manage to stay in fight or flight mode for a limited amount of time. So hopefully the more I travel and am exposed to my fear the lesser it should become or at least in theory.

Meditation might work for some but for me with a mind racing like a formula one car that can think of none the less than this inherent fear, I see no sense in even trying.

The other approach to treating it could be (EMDR), which is used to treat PTSD. You are asked to relive or imagine the stressful situation whilst receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements following a light bar or hand tapping. Like CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR aims to reduce subjective distress and strengthen adaptive beliefs related to the traumatic event. I have tried it previously for my interview fear and it actually helped me. I have to admit at first I did not believe it would work. I could imagine this approach to have a positive outcome or maybe even the combination of CBT with EMDR.

I have thought about the medication along the lines of Valium. I imagine that could work but I also believe it would be a challenge to come to medicate aviophobia with at least in continental Europe. Plus the downside is you will get to your destination groggy and be of not much use otherwise. Not to mention I have no clue what effect it would have on the body in terms of cabin pressure, altitude etc.

I manage mine with alcohol, which is most certainly not the solution either. However, it makes it manageable for me and takes the edge off of things.

Welcome airport bar! Welcome caviar and prunier’s!