Social Glue

Alpha in the group

Yesterday I went to my usual Wednesday meetup of about 50 people. There I have my specific group of people which I talk to but I also try to mingle with new people and make new friends. Sitting in a group as usual I realised that as soon as I left the group it fell to pieces and went quite, but upon return to the non-existant table the constellation reappeared; social glue or the alpha woman syndrome.

Have you ever noticed that people in groups always have a ring leader? An alpha that rules the conversation and leads it? You can spot them quite easily by looking at who everybodies feet are pointing too. Usually when that person leaves there is a vacum within the group, everybody starts looking lost till someone else takes over or the lot disperses. I have found myself in this role a lot of times. I enjoy being the social glue the one giving the inputs for the conversations to flow, the leveling the playing field and the bringing together people of all different mindsets. Sometimes I bring the glue and sometimes it is the fire I bare.

Fire or glue what do you want?

Or the root of all evil

Talking about ring leader, when some event gets out of hand and because of suggestive jokes made by you, are you the root of all evil or are the people executing what you said as a joke the one’s at fault?
There is a shitstorm brewing online because a girl I know slapped a guys butt at the last meet up. This super macho took to his social media to vent on this, which to be quite frank is a joke. The situation honestly got mainly out of hand because he got angry, did not say no and then only got more out of hand because both of them do not know when to stop. However, I find his tirade questionable as this self proclaimed strong man takes to the web to let out his anger instead of maning up there and then just by saying no. Why do men have problems accepting no? Let’s not mention using the word no to tell somebody when enough is enough!

Complaining later online because your ego is damaged and you have pondered on this for a week is sad. Why have people forgotten how to solve problems face to face like adults rather than venting on social media?

What is up with this I am a victim lullaby for minor failings of another? Crying out me too is becoming excessive from both sides and I am happy when both finally come to their senses. I still believe the exhorbitant use of it leads to the degradation of the real victims like in the story of the boy that cried wolf one too many times.

Crying wolf too many times harms the real victims!

Help, I need somebody – Help, not just anybody

What is going on?

In the wake of things, it has become painstakingly obvious that self-sabotage is my biggest flaw. What do you do when you realise you are your own worst enemy?

Our mind is a powerful tool, which when used the wrong way can lead to all sorts of ills. For instance, we start imagining things and believing they are real when they actually only stem from your own imagination. Illusion as the foundation for all evil. If you do not have the facts and you let your mind run riot…

Our mind is a powerful tool….

You know you have lost your mind, when…

I went a bit crazy last week and start imaging things to my dismay, dragging people into the vortex of my crazy mind. I ended up winding myself up more and more till I actually reached the point of break down. Not as bad as in the past years during my depression but bad enough to feel like I had harmed myself.
I was really saddened by the realisation that it had mainly stemmed from my own imagination. The enemy was me.
This not being the first time I had encountered this situation and I am really bent on getting this fixed as I for sure do not want to deal with this again and again or it to become a chronic coping mechanism.

Fear is the worst leader to follow. It will either inhibit you or worse drive you and in the worst case, it will devour you. I am sure you are all aware of the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy where what you focus on you attract. Meaning if you dread something and focus on it you will ironically attract exactly that.

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.

And so the behaviour manifests itself.

Well, meet the master. It is now obvious to me I have a problem and it will go on to my list of things to tackle in therapy. I never used to have this or at least not to this extent and I was blissfully unaware.

Solving your problems

There are many ways to tackle problems but all of them have certain things in common:

  1. To know you have a problem you need to realise you have one
  2. You need to be willing to do something about it
  3. Either you know the solution and if not do not be scared to ask for help
  4. Work on it, train the brain, perfect it, work on yourself

I am at stage three. I have half of the solution so I will go looking for the other half.

However, you should never be ashamed to ask for help or for acknowledging your flaws as it is not a weakness but a strength. Being true to yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are with all your facets is the most powerful thing.

You are you and all you do, all you want to change should be for you. The change you make for yourself is your biggest gift you can give yourself, as you do it for only you.



Magnified Emotions

Dealing with commitment phobia, distance and everything else

For me, many things feel odd and in my eyes seem to be not going my way right now. I do not know if that is a result of me or many factors. On the one hand, I am dealing with my pain and at the same time battling a distance issue and commitment phobia of someone else, which on a normal day is frustrating but given my emotional state is just hurtful. I hate feeling like this, as if it is a one-sided thing, just being handed bread crumbs and me being the driving force behind it.
I do not know if this is just a magnified sensation that I harbour due to my raw soul or if this is reality. But then what do you define as reality?
It is for me my reality, always. Or how do you define your feelings?
What I mean with that is; it would still be my reality, even if I saw it differently. As Buddhism says nothing is real it is all just mere imagination. So depending on how you feel, your emotions will influence your perception.

Nonetheless, it still does not change the fact I wished to be treated differently. I for myself am trying to figure out how I want to deal with this situation as I have been quite clear with my wishes, which are not unreasonable. I call that hearing but not listening! Listening would imply it has sunk in and hopefully I would see a change. So is it “selective hearing”, so not really listening or blunt disinterest? Who knows. Time will tell.

Being there when someone needs you the most can make the world of difference to them.

With the shift in constellations what is to come?

Uranus transitioning into Taurus pushes our limits and forces us to evolve. I want to harness the Uranian energy to write an exciting new chapter of in my life for the better.

I somehow wish for a major change and maybe a little destruction. I guess that is my masked grief still speaking. I want to move on from all the pain from the last years and hope that this change will bring something good. Moving on, evolving and pushing boundaries is one of the hardest things. It involves facing your fear head on and going beyond comfort. Fear and pain inhibit us to the extent you become motionless and stationary if you let it take over. At the moment my biggest fear is facing my emotion of pain. I feel it impairing me in other aspects of my life. I have become sensitive again and easily riled but facing it is something I am avoiding. As I have been told that is not a healthy way of dealing with grief but what do you do if that behaviour is so ingrained? I am actively trying to face my grief, giving it a time frame somewhere within the day to mourn my loss, avoiding to protract my grief again like I did the last three times.
Moving past old habits and behaviour is equally challenging, staying the way you are and handling things the way you always have is easy, effortless and comfortable. So actually at the moment, I am challenged with myself and others with me and my mood.

At the moment I am challenged with myself and others with me.

The verdict of this all

I feel a bit like a mad person rambling to themselves. Maybe I am. I do not know. I feel very much lost and confused. All seems very empty, challenging and little much at this time and I sincerely long for an escape.



Grief or not Grief

It comes in waves

How or when do you know if it is grief or if you are heading towards a depression. It is hard to tell as both have very similar symptoms and grief can slowly transform into a depression. I am closely monitoring myself to avoid spiralling out of control again. I am also trying to counteract it by doing the opposite of what I did last time and what I feel like doing this time (want to stay home and mope on the couch), which is going out and socialising avoiding becoming an hermit.
Sometimes it is okay and I feel good and then around the next corner comes this waves of sadness or emptiness. To be honest I have not slept properly in ten days and feel absolutely exhausted. Unfortunately luck is not on my side at the moment, as the only thing that would cheer me up is out of reach. So I am doing best with what I have and trying to steer clear of the hole. It is so easy to get sucked into it rather then to get your ass up and do something to make you feel better.

Avoiding becoming an hermit

Feel Good Box

I put together a box for rainy days like this. It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better. So when I feel down I draw a card and see what it suggests. Obviously the idea is not to pull 100 as you will always find a reason to opt out of things when depressed or down. It is three strickes and you are out.

I find the it really helpful as I do not need to think of things which can be a challenge when you are sad. It gets me doing things instead of moping around which is paramount when you are down. It instantly cheers me up.

It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better.

Grieving is the time to be selfish

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently. I think the most important part is to follow what works for you and feels natural even if it is not what is perceived to be correct by society.
I know I am being selfish right now and I hope the people in my surroundings can accept and understand I have to handle it my way and the way that is right for me even if they feel locked out or ignored.

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently


Saying farewell


I needed to take an out time from here to come to terms with the unexpected death of my cat. I know for some it might sound trivial but this animal helped me through a lot of my grief and my depression.

Love at first sight

After having a quiet period to recuperate from all the loss of the last years, I have unfortunately been faced with the mortality of my beloved cat that I had rescued from the shelter. I had my fluffy friend to help me with all the losses sustained.
I remember seeing him on the placement programme like it was yesterday. He was this impressive big cat that constantly was miaowing. Very handsome and impressive. So after not being able to shake the thought of him a week later, I called the animal shelter. They were very happy that at least one person had taken interest as he was old and too noisy according to them to appeal to anyone.

We drove one hour to see him and decide if it fits. I would say he chose me as much as I chose him. It was love at first sight. I got a massive headbutt as a welcome and as if that was not enough he did what my old cat used to do he held my hand with his paw. After that, it was a done deal.

You will remain in my heart forever

Helping each other

The first two days were a trial for my nerves as he would shout constantly. I had come to the end of my tether a few times but I had made a promise that this was his forever home. He did calm down after the first two days but was still very agitated and would start wheezing quite often. After an array of check-up it turned out the cat suffered from panic attacks and that he had not just a kidney problem but a huge infection in his jaw with rotting teeth due to the neglect of the previous owner who suffered from depression.

I went the whole hog and got all of it fixed. Then he started to change for the better he still remained demanding but the shouting reduced itself. The more used he became to me and the more he trusted me the less panicked he was. Till one day the panic attacks stopped. In the end, he was very me focused and thankful. We did a lot for each other. He helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. We needed each other, the affection, security and attention.
I do still regret not realising he was in pain in the last few months, which I am sure he was and that he had cancer. I do feel really guilty about that despite knowing that guilt is a part of grieving. I am just glad he does not need to suffer anymore and that he hopefully enjoyed the last years he had.

My furever friend


Confronted with the past

I was invited to a bbq this weekend where I encountered my old self incarnated in another human being and multiplied by two. It is hard to describe. This individual was absolutely pessimistic and determined to isolate the host while entrapping them into a discussion of how they are right and that is that. I used to be a grumpy pessimistic discussion leader. Funnily it was me who tried to steer the host into a safe haven. I looked at this person and actually felt sorry for not being able to see the nice things in life and also being so pigheaded in their opinions. I mean you do not always have to agree on everything but at least accept that there are different opinions and people are entitled to their own. There is nothing worse than someone who cannot accept other peoples opinions.


I used to be soooo pessimistic about things. Coming out of the depression I wanted things to change. I did not want to have to fight for everything and avoid each thing becoming a challenge. There is this saying that says focus on the positive to attract positive. I do believe there is a truth in it. Maybe not in the sense of actual magnetism but likeminded likes to stick to likeminded. I realised that pessimistic people pulled me down and I no longer needed or wanted to be surrounded by people with that mindset.

I want kindness, good friends, upbeat people, respect and fun. So be kind to attract kindness is what I live by. Some days I feel grumpy too or have a bad day too but nonetheless, I try to stay optimistic and not give up. This mindset has helped me tremendously not just attracting the right people but also reminding me constantly that I want good things for myself, challenging myself to become a better person in the process.

So be kind to attract kindness is what I live by.

Ask and the universe will answer

I have always been fortunate to get a lot of what I asked for from the cosmos. Mainly it came with an odd twist. I have learned that if you ask the universe you shall receive. The requested wishes may not fulfil themselves exactly when and how you expected. Sometimes the universe chooses to execute things in the manner it deems suitable for you.
I put my faith in the universe to know what is best for me and ask kindly and humbly for what I need. Yes, I have lost my cool with cosmos, but I forgive it, as nothing is deemed to be perfect. Every individual being and object has its flaw but depending on the eye of the beholder it is visible or not to you.


Watch out curveball

 I feel for you

Empathy is a wonderful thing and can be a little confusing at times.
Not having the easiest route with my superior behind me following my mental destabilisation at the beginning of this year I still would have not wished what happened today on my worst enemy. Having all that you have so painfully built up ripped from under your feet is daunting, leaving pain and a path of destruction behind you. Despite all that has happened in the past I really feel for her and I am really sorry it turned out the way it did. How do you help someone in that situation?

Empathy and sympathy are often used synonymously. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another (sometimes actually feeling them), whereas sympathy means feeling pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune (feeling sorry for and caring about the other).

At the moment I feel both. I would like to help and despite being directly affected by this change myself it does not bother me so far. I am more entangled in her feelings and the need to comfort her. Facing the awkward question how? Where are the boundaries?

I really feel you

At school, I used to feel the fear of the pupil holding the essay in front of the whole class. My hands would start sweating, I would start shaking too and I would be a bag of nerves as well. I see it as a gift that I can tell how people feel without having them breathe a word. Funnily the uncomfortable feelings are the most emphasised. I believe that has to do with the fact that humans focus mostly on the bad and not the good. Very rarely do we have a massive discussion about the good things. If you take a look at a conversation about sport or the weather the negative rant gets more airtime than the positive ones. So for me, it is logical that the negative emotions are more amplified than the good.

Empathy is a two-sided medal. The positive aspects are it makes you a more caring and compassionate person. A trusted confidant but also a good friend that is valued for their refined, composed and reflected problem-solving skills. Empathic people are perceived as more sympathetic and likeable. Forming closer bonds. On the other hand, you have the scientifically proven fact that empathic people tend to be more revengeful as they will quite clearly liaise with the victim or the underdog, which leads to vigilantism. Being empathic can also lead to cutting yourself short by always saying yes and wanting to please everybody. Empathy takes a lot of stamina and training you really need to set boundaries and stick to them to prevent being overwhelmed by the sentiments. Sympathy is a fusion of rational with the gut feeling that requires another sort of training. It commands analysing the situation, taking in the needs and then making a rational adequate decision.

When being empathic it is paramount for your own sanity to be able to say no and also to differentiate between your emotions and the experienced emotions of the other individual. It is nice when you get to the point of mastering the art of actively deciding to acknowledge and feel the sentiments of your vis-a-vis. Having the ability to switch them off when necessary. I find that empathy alone or sympathy does not make you a competent problem solver they may be two very different things but they both need each other.

Empathy and sympathy are often used synonymously. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, whereas sympathy means feeling pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.

A new culture to obtained

It would be wise to cultivate not just mindfulness towards yourself, as too much mindfulness can lead to pure egoism.
I am a firm believer in mindfulness towards yourself and others.

In terms of mindfulness, people like to obtain the selfish approach. I believe hedonism and mindfulness towards others would make our world a sooo much kinder and nicer place to leave in. So I go forth in being mindful, empathic and sympathetic towards the people in the world that surrounds me and in doing so guess what comes back? Exactly the same…

What you give you shall receive in ten folds