Suffering from Body dysmorphia from a young age, my body has been an unsatisfying vessel. My enemy. My Achilles heel.
For anyone who does not know about dysmorphia very simply speaking, it is looking in the mirror seeing a distorted self. Feeling disfigured. It goes as far as feeling you need to cop your limb off because it is ugly or does not fit. I have a mild form and it seems to be bound to my OCD and/or depression, as when I am well I do not notice it too often. Body dysmorphic Disorder belongs to the OCD spectrum, do not ask me why.
I always had the fix idea body dysmorphia only pertains to looking at your slim self and seeing a bigger you. However, my depression taught me differently. It can also cloud your judgement in ways that have puzzled me. Doing web searches I found many more like me!
Doing web searches I found many more like me!
You are wondering what I mean. Being a size 14 or 42, I would wander into the shop brose around pick a few items and head to the changing room. In there to my dismay, I would realise they do not fit. Not because the wrong label got sewn in (that did really happen once). No, it was far worse I had grabbed the size my head told me I was. You are probably wondering what? In my mind and in the mirrors, in my own eyes, I would see myself 2 sizes smaller than I was. Take a photo and that effect was gone. How does that work you are wondering? I would love to know too! Still, do not grasp it, but there I was utterly puzzled. I still have problems choosing the right size since losing weight but it has got better. Unfortunately, treatment and research on treating BDD are very limited if not even non-existent. I wish they would start finding a solution as learning to accept and live with it for the mild form is the only option left.
With age came wisdom
In my twenties I was really fixated on the belief only slim was good enough. I felt only then I was attractive, only then I would get male attention. Certain aspects are in my experience true. Still get more male attention now I am down to an 8 or 36.
However, the only reason I lost weight again was for MYSELF. I did not like myself curvy.
I gained weight twice while taking antidepressants. They seem to slow my metabolism to a halt and amp my appetite to the maximum. Added benefit craving for all unhealthy. Now it might be a little comfort eating in there too. None the less it was an uphill battle that I am still fighting in my final lengths. Last goal more muscle as I have never bothered garnering any. I am proud of my body what it has achieved together with my will in the last half a year. I have changed my diet and started working out with weights. I have become this fit person I do not recognise in a positive sense. Yesterday evening doing my stretching I looked at myself and thought damn you are hot! For everyone who feels like shouting that is vain or self-centred, let me tell you if you have ever suffered dysmorphia then that is one hell of a statement to make.
With age, I have attained a more relaxed attitude towards my image. I still like to look and feel good but I have lost this obsessive strive to look my uttermost perfect always.
I am okay with going out with bed head, a sweater and worn out sneakers as I know it is me that counts to not just my look.
Mind over Matter on this one