Getting into the flow…..
I believe the depression killed some of my perfection and OCD. Before this whole episode, I was very meticulous about tidying up, cleanliness and reading, all has now become a chore. Not something I feel proud about anymore. Just an annoying chore like it is for everyone else.
Like with reading the tidying up is a hurdle I have to overcome with some effort, funnily when I am in it, it runs smooth like it used to but my that hurdle feel like Mohammad’s Mountain.
I have a mad amount of things that I have accumulated basically mostly in the last 5 years. The depression triggered my OCD in an unexpected way – meaning I ended up with a full-blown shopping OCD. It was as if I needed to hide behind my objects – building a wall. The first bout of realisation came to me when my selection of clothes became limited due to my size. I had about 4 pullovers, 4 t-shirts, 4 jeans and a jacket. I realised I do not need much. Travelling more and living out of suitcase then enlightened me further, as I travel with the smallest suitcase but even then I only need 50%.
I do not want to be totally like my age cohorts and live like an austere. I just want to downsize to not have a collection of everything.
Decluttering and shedding excess baggage
With my OCD my mantra was be in control and Tidy House – Tidy Mind. Giving up all inhibitions, control and decluttering I am letting go of the past and going in for the confrontation with myself. I am literally pushing against all my boundaries I have set myself in my life. Fuelling massive self-growth. I am pushing my myself out of my comfort zone in regards to Love, Property, Family, Friends, Mind and Body. Others would see it as massive self-destruction but it does not feel that way.
It feels like the rise of the Phoenix. Like being immersed in water and coming up for that first massive breath flooding your body with endorphins after you felt like you were drowning. The warm relief flushing through your veins. There is nothing destructive about that.
It is pure letting go trusting your gut and personal growth.
I am trying to downsize which is to an extent a luxury problem of deciding what to keep and what to let go of. Trying to find buyers proves to be a task, donating as well. Living in a well-off country money is the first currency for donations and finding people who need what I am offering is nearly impossible, as the people financial hard up are in need of food more than clothes or decorative objects. I know I hear the irony in this myself. Non the less there is a sad side to this story as I have corrupted myself and caused my self-harm. Looking back and moping will not solve the problem so it is time to crack on.
Where do I go from here?
I need to make the time and effort to sort out. Really pull myself together but at the same time decide what to do with the objects. Putting them on eBay is just more work which does not really pay off as not even half shifts. I would love to donate it to someone who lost everything but how do I go about finding someone like that? At this point, I am willing to cut my losses and accept losing some of the invested money.
So even I stuggle with myself. Despite being practically myself again.