Days like these
Some days are more stressful than others. Like with many things in life we do not always have the same performance day in and day out that is what makes us human.
After laying half the night awake again with my insomnia I had to then spend a 10 hours day at work. Loving guests holding me hostage at the office. By the time I left, I was exhausted, hungry and cranky. So in short hangry.
First I was pleasantly surprised by the empty public transportation that lasted about 10 minutes till one of my “favourite people” (junkies) sat next to me. On good days I can manage if they are representably dressed and showered. I have managed to develop an eye for them even when they take care of themselves.
But yesterday I just could not handle that too. Being tired and stressed is not the best moment to challenge your long engraved coping mechanisms that have been uprooted. So when I got home I was still stressed and ended up having to go through my ritual, meaning I cleaned my jacket, to then only realise that, that did not bring the necessary relief and I had to go further. So piece for piece of clothing I removed I tried to assess when to stop. In the end, I had changed all my clothes that could have come in contact with him. I felt relieved but disappointed in myself at the same time.
No peak performance here. Just the raw me.
With all that said even if you have come so far, there are still those days that you just suffer defeat that is normal. That is not a reason to question yourself or give up. The younger me would have had a go at herself for failing. However, I did not fail as I have come this far and will go further. What I would like to say with that is it happens to the best of us and the best thing we can do is acknowledge the blip, be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up and focus on going forward but that takes training. If I can do it so can you…
I take strength in this mantra “If you cannot change anything there is no sense in worrying. If you can change something there is no need to worry.” The step to want to change is where to begin. Every frist step takes great courage but it is only one you can take and sticking with it takes great determination. This does not just relate to OCD or treatment it applys to life and taking matters into your own hands.
“If you cannot change anything there is no sense in worrying. If you can change something there is no need to worry.”