In for the kill
Lately, I have felt myself again. The last two months have seemed like leaps and not strides. I have the strength and vitality to pursue my dreams and wishes. No more clouded judgement. I want to help people, s It seems like an agonising forever that I felt like this. I am fortunate that I can function despite my pitfalls and that I can muster up the strength to fight. For anyone else battling their own demon I really hope can do the same. I know in times of despair it is hard to find the strength within to fight but it is worth it. It does not go on forever.
Histrionic, Borderline and Narcissistic will that bring me down?
Getting a diagnosed and flagged in those three areas did not surprise me. I am glad I do not have them as a personality disorders just as high markers, as three would be a little much together with OCD, Trichotillomania, Body dysmorphia and my GAD. Non the less I was unphased by the diagnose of them being to an extent slightly impairing. However I will not let this bring me down. I see it as an additional challenge to tackle.
The last few years all the other problems needed so much attention that there was no time or space to focus on these issues that rendered from being hospitalised for a long time as a child. So this was just lingering. Maybe this trauma led to my other illnesses as a coping mechanism and a solution when I felt the world was out of control. Who knows?
Now I have solved the other issues I will conquer this one too.
I have already started implementing change and counterintiutative behaviour in the hope of altering my modus operandi. I am letting people in, letting go and focusing on what I want from life and people. Accepting you cannot have all and sometimes you have to let things go.
No! Not here!
Unfortunately sarcsm does not work to well in written text.
The above problematic triangle definitely explains my ambivalence to people and romantic relationships. But in saying that I do realise I am not the only one with flaws, faults and problems. In a relationship we all bring things to the table. So just focussing on yourself will not work. You can only promote change and growth within the person. You cannot change people that I know but you can influence the outcome by the choices you make. Who you choose. Best is to know what you want before choosing and but limitation can mean you miss out. So what is the best? I believe in having an idea, whilst not trying to limit yourself and not expecting anything. That is a lesson I learnt the hard way by forcing my expectations on to others and cornering them in the process. It is a working progress at the moment and I am taking it step by step analsing my own behaviour in the hope to overcome this triangle of Histrionic, Borderline and Narcissistic tendencies which has inhibtied me in my happiness so far.
I believe in having an idea, whilst not trying to limit yourself and not expecting anything.