Rolled down the hill, now I need to hike back up
I went into shopping excess to come to terms with my grief. Looking back surrounding myself with objects gave me comfort, distracted me and I had built a fort of things. In hindsight one of the dumbest things I have done but in that time it gave me solace. The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping. I wasted funds I didn’t have or would have needed for other things, which I will never get back. I managed to fill my place up with soo much stuff that the cellar is inaccessible and guest room as well unless you are a mountaineer. Not to mention the fact that I have spread my stuff to my mothers as well!
The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping.
Now I am better I am getting really annoyed with this excess baggage and I am trying to shift the lot. My frustration has reached an all-time high and I have started to declutter and get rid off things. Some are new, some are childhood/teenager things that remind me of happy times, some are hobbies I no longer do. All of it is cluttering my mind and weighing me down.
Mostly the new things I consider a burden as they were purchased when I was unhappy, not myself and my OCD went wild manifesting itself as a hoarding/shopping OCD. I just wished I had seen it earlier. It is not like I did not receive education regarding OCD when I was first treated but somehow therapists only inform you of the standard OCDs so you end up looking out for those. I found out the hard way that it can manifest itself in a multitude unimaginable otherways. Anything in excess is bad if you have had OCD.
Do I need that? Hell no!
The getting rid is a mixture of, that what I do not want but cost money to it might come in handy. It is hard to explain why in certain areas it is harder to let go of things than in others. I guess the things that I have owned longer and outgrown are easier to get rid off than things that are new and I do not like as the guilt eats away at me in that regard. Thank god not all are brand new and some of “the new things” are in actual fact secondhand things. Giving away or getting rid of the object is in some way a catharsis of guilt at the same time.
The thing that it will take the same amount of time and effort to eradicate the mess I have gotten myself into as it did to build the fort of things. The mere thought of the time invested is enough to put anyone off. So there is an ambivalence that I am fighting. Sometimes the frustration about the clutter gets the upper hand and sometimes it is the annoyance of the amount of work involved.
I have looked into getting myself help but that involves extra costs which I do not want to incur.
So I am left with my ambivalence, a gianormous workload and no clue what to do with the clutter.
As I have tried to get back some money for things and failed horribly I will try to make the best out of this misfortune by donating the things to charities and people in need. The idea behind this is to turn the utterly bad experience into something good, something I can feel better about. Making it a double positive one for me and one for the other person involved. I believe that trying to see the good in bad situations is the way forward. Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.
Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.