Where it all spiraled out of control
I went back to the roots of where my OCD spiraled out of control. It was this neighborhood ridden with crime, brothels, junkies. Three quarters have fell to gentrification and have been cleaned up but the core still remains. I ventured there as it was the location for the indiefilm I partook in.
The bar was a seedy, vile smelling old and gloomy establishment that had seen better days but supposedly was the suitable place for this coming of age story. It has sleaze stamped all over it. Not just because of the dirty and worn interior but the clientel was as much sleezy and had seen better days just like this establishment.
I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through. At first I was even reluctant to drink out of the glasses the thought of herpes sending chills down my spine but as time progressed I arranged myself. If you are invited it is very impolite to say no, so I joined in with the others. I had the most wonderful encounters with the millions of chewing gums that the working girls had stuck under the bar which made me want to wash my hands everytime I touched them by error, which was often and impossible during scenes. So that subsquently meant sitting it out.
I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through.
It’s a wrap
No chance to hop into the shower and more confrontation therapy ahead I headed over to my dance studio. I have to admit I did choose a locker I would usual never choose to avoid contaminating myself in future. The same went for the yoga mat. After dance class I then wore my workout clothes rather then set clothes to a meetup I was joining. Also to avoid further contaminating a place which I frequent. At home I continued this meticulus behaviour avoiding contaminating the house. Taking everything off and placing it into my dance bag with the set clothes, after cleaning and washing every single item of my handbag as well as the handbag and shoes I hopped into the shower and took a long hot shower with disenfectant soap.
I know I could have done better and used this moment as chance to reinforce the new OCD free me but out of fear I chose not to. I felt like I was going a number of steps back in doing so and the feeling stuck a little. Even though I must admit a few years ago I would have never imagined even doing this project or going there. If somebody would have suggested it, I would have laugh at them. So I have come a long way and am currently at 95% before my OCD me, which frankly about 2 years ago during my depression I would haven never believed would be possible.
I am getting there one step at a time and setbacks are allowed. I can draw strength from the knowlege I am moving on and knowledge from the setbacks as I can analyse where I am still struggling pushing further past future boundaries.