Dealing with commitment phobia, distance and everything else
For me, many things feel odd and in my eyes seem to be not going my way right now. I do not know if that is a result of me or many factors. On the one hand, I am dealing with my pain and at the same time battling a distance issue and commitment phobia of someone else, which on a normal day is frustrating but given my emotional state is just hurtful. I hate feeling like this, as if it is a one-sided thing, just being handed bread crumbs and me being the driving force behind it.
I do not know if this is just a magnified sensation that I harbour due to my raw soul or if this is reality. But then what do you define as reality?
It is for me my reality, always. Or how do you define your feelings?
What I mean with that is; it would still be my reality, even if I saw it differently. As Buddhism says nothing is real it is all just mere imagination. So depending on how you feel, your emotions will influence your perception.
Nonetheless, it still does not change the fact I wished to be treated differently. I for myself am trying to figure out how I want to deal with this situation as I have been quite clear with my wishes, which are not unreasonable. I call that hearing but not listening! Listening would imply it has sunk in and hopefully I would see a change. So is it “selective hearing”, so not really listening or blunt disinterest? Who knows. Time will tell.
Being there when someone needs you the most can make the world of difference to them.
With the shift in constellations what is to come?
Uranus transitioning into Taurus pushes our limits and forces us to evolve. I want to harness the Uranian energy to write an exciting new chapter of in my life for the better.
I somehow wish for a major change and maybe a little destruction. I guess that is my masked grief still speaking. I want to move on from all the pain from the last years and hope that this change will bring something good. Moving on, evolving and pushing boundaries is one of the hardest things. It involves facing your fear head on and going beyond comfort. Fear and pain inhibit us to the extent you become motionless and stationary if you let it take over. At the moment my biggest fear is facing my emotion of pain. I feel it impairing me in other aspects of my life. I have become sensitive again and easily riled but facing it is something I am avoiding. As I have been told that is not a healthy way of dealing with grief but what do you do if that behaviour is so ingrained? I am actively trying to face my grief, giving it a time frame somewhere within the day to mourn my loss, avoiding to protract my grief again like I did the last three times.
Moving past old habits and behaviour is equally challenging, staying the way you are and handling things the way you always have is easy, effortless and comfortable. So actually at the moment, I am challenged with myself and others with me and my mood.
At the moment I am challenged with myself and others with me.
The verdict of this all
I feel a bit like a mad person rambling to themselves. Maybe I am. I do not know. I feel very much lost and confused. All seems very empty, challenging and little much at this time and I sincerely long for an escape.