I decided to write this blog to empower people, help people and show people, yes it is hard but you can make it out. The worst part is I am catching myself doing what all other people on social media do, they hide when it is hard or only post fake things. I have never posted fake things, I chose to refrain from posting at all. I wanted to be different but fell into the same trap as everyone else. To disrobe and publicly face your problems takes guts. Everyone prying in on your private life, your details, at the beginning the idea seemed so simple but the reality seems to get the best of me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually profits from my rambling? As my original intention was to write a blog with profound ideas and solutions to help people with similar problems, which succumbed to a blog about myself and my problems and flaking off when it really got tough.
Despite vouching I will change, I turn a blind eye and I am back at one. I keep circling the modus operandi and awaiting a new result. It is so hard to change habits. Some days are better and some are worse. At the moment I am sick, but that is not the inevitable reason to why I am not writing, it is also not a writer’s block. It is myself! Not that I am in a state of depression but more in a state of resentment towards feeling like I am not enough, that there are brighter more shiner stars out there. My own anger towards not achieving enough, or being pretty enough, or feminine enough, or single for too long, the list goes on. I can beat myself up for hours. I can be so kind to others but when I need myself the most, I let myself down. Why do I fail on being my No. 1 cheerleader? Going around town on the question of why bother? Questioning my effort in the eye of cost-benefit analysis? I know I should value myself but just some days I cannot find the arse to do so.
I know I should value myself but just somedays I cannot find the arse to do so.
Having had some very good weeks the summer has turned into this social drought. I am contacting and they are not. I can positivly go so far to say I am stuck and I have no clue where I went wrong. My mistake was to listen to a scoulded soul and seek advice there. In the hindsight not my best idea.
At the moment I just cannot face anything that makes remotely sense or is an obligation. I am too paralysed in analysing what went wrong and trying to fix it to have eyes for anything else. Welcome to the brain of an OCD patient. Excellent analytical skills as well as the brilliant torment yourself loop you can take a ride on.