The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm
I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.
Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.
Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.
I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.
No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.
If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.
I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.
I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?
I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.