Two weeks later and no urge to post

Lazy and a little unstructured

Since reducing my pace and focusing on the fast shifts in my life, as well as a being co-dependent on other people’s mood I have not really had the urge to post. I have been trying to tame myself, keep my fears at bay and the voices in my head to a minimum (the ones that eat away at your self-esteem). Constantly shifting from apathy to overdrive and back. At the moment I am devoided of cheerful emotions and in a more sombre mood. Focusing on my needs trying to avoid being too enthralled into others barren moods, dramas or anything of ill-ventured nature. I am kind and an actually of a happy demeanour and I would like to stay that way.

Task I want to follow for this month:

  • Move forward decluttering and sorting out (still trying to battle my shopping overhaul from my depression)
  • Tying up loose ends especially things a keep forgetting
  • More time for meditation and mindfulness (meditating, sauna and yoga)
  • Axing negative people, thoughts and anything harmful
  • Continue working out for my mind, body and soul (that has been my go-to remedy)
  • Slowing down and enjoying the finer things in life (quality or quantity)

 

I have also thought of starting a bullet journal. So to speak a to-do list in a book which should help you overcome issues, be more structured, add drive and at the same time help with mindfulness and self-esteem. The good thing is you can use it the way you want. There is a supposed way to do it, but who cares? You are doing it for you!

Creativity Ahoi!

Be your own captain…

Evolving, growing and structuring

If I am not giving it  100% and I mean in all aspects of my life I always feel a bit like I am being lazy or having a cheat day. I wish I had less of a drive or ambition sometimes as I believe I tend to burden myself with high expectations including people in my surroundings. I put pressure on myself where it is not needed and at the same time paralyse myself in the process.

Things to work on:

  • Less pressure
  • More lagom (Swedish for in balance, just enough) (My approach is more like always 150%)
  • Room for relaxation as much as for work/drive
  • More positivity and positive people
  • Kindness and happiness

The pyramid of personality traits is another tool that I will implement to achieve my goal of evolving and growing into a better person. It is basically the food pyramid just replacing food with important personality traits, as a reminder for in the bullet journal.

I live for the moment.

I live in the moment.

And everyday is a new day to do things better.

It is a fresh start.

 

 

 

 

Shame on myself

The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm

I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.

Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.

Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.

I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.

No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.

Sorry

If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.

I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.

I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?

I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.

Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.

 

 

Your Hobnail Boots

Think before you speak

How a mood can change in a blink of an eye just by saying something offensive. People are rarely aware of what they say and the way you phrase things can lead to a quite different outcome of a situation. It can cause an affront if a word or sentence is chosen without a second thought. That is, even more, the case when dealing with people that are not native to your language. Wright or wrong it still hurts.

I wish people would put more thought into their choices when communicating. In these fast-paced times with loads of communication pipelines, people have become lenient with their wording and unreflected when saying something. I do not always say kind things but even then they are never unreflected, which might seem to some cruel or harsh. Every word is orchestrated.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my surroundings to be slightly more refined with their communication, as you can often tell if someone is offbeat. Instead of receiving kind words and a shoulder to lean on when I am feeling down I have just received negative comments about my achievements. It hurts and everything is more amplified when you are down. I know the intention behind it was to push me to excel but it is a misguided version of it. The worst about it is I am guilty of the exact same crime. However, whenever I come across something that is done to me that I do not like and I realise I have done similar I will apologise. I enjoy reflecting on my behaviour to improve as that is the only way forward. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my sourroundings to be slightly more refined.

Settling myself

I am giving this whole discussion that is making me feel uneasy and unhappy a break. Giving things a breather helps me focus my attention, as well as calming my upset nerves. I know that avoiding things it not the way forward that is why I state it is a breather. Despite not feeling like going out and hosting my own meetup I will be joining my friends for drinks. Sometimes dragging yourself out even if you do not feel like it can help to change your mood and give you another mindset. Then I can tackle this discussion hopefully from a kinder and less personal angle. I do not want to be surrounded by negative people with a negative mindset. That will only lead to me withdrawing. I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

 

Excited & Nervous

It is like waiting for Christmas

When you are anticipating something great it feels like forever. At this exact moment, I am sitting here watching time dragging on and waiting for it to pass. I have a long weekend of fun and good company ahead of me but it feels like forever to come. Frustrating is the knowledge that it will be over in a blink of an eye when it is here. I am nervous, excited and a little overwhelmed by my own anticipation.

I am honestly trying to maintain my poise and not run through the office bouncing, as that is what I feel like on the inside. To battle my nervousness and excitement I decided to give the headspace meditation app another chance. The first time it honestly just wound me up even more rather than calming me.

Calm as a river

Miracles do happen. The app really helped. It made me unwind and calmed me massively, I did not believe it would as my first experience with it was far from convinced. I know meditation and mindfulness can be really beneficial for your mental health but I seem to fail horribly on finding the time for it. Those benefits were the reason why I started with yoga in the first place. It helps me let go of things worrying me, empties my head and centres me. It decelerates me.

I acctually I have wanted to take up medidation but never seem to find the time for it.

I have to admit I would have chosen a guy with a nicer English pronunciation and a huskier voice but then I was not the inventor or marketer for this app. However, it is useful and really works as it allows you to wind down without investing too much time. Anyone can find 2 minutes in their day to sit down, close their eyes, listen and meditate. It is this simple. The app may also help to function as a reminder to do so. For me, however, it would still need an alarm feature to remind me to take the time to meditate. The design is nice, happy, friendly and colourful. The layout could be better, I do find it a little annoying to navigate but overall it is a good idea. This is not an advertisement or a serious review for this app and it is up to you to decide what you would like to work with. I do honestly believe in the benefits of meditation and yoga on your mental health and it has been scientifically proven.

So stay healthy and calm. Namaste!

 

 

 

Life is merely a journey

Joyfully awaited

I try to enjoy every moment in life and really suck up the good especially following the years of despair. If anyone would have told me I would feel this way again, I would have not believed them. It took a lot to get here but now I finally am, I am content within myself and my life even if it is not perfect.

When you are depressed or suffer from anxiety life seems to have these layers of haze on them. It is hard to see past the veil of negativity that covers you. It all has this greyish tint and dusty feel. Surpassing this mindset is a trial, as it sucks you in and drags you down. It feels like a lead belt that is keeping you deeply underwater. Managing to fight your way out can only be done by breaking the mould/mindset in small portions.

All the effort and work that went in was the same as losing weight, you lost some, you gained some and the change came in spurts. The last year was like I am on the last one hundred meters and they are just dragging on. When will this stop? Will this ever end? Sometimes I was at the end of my tether with the situation but my mantra has always been never give up. This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. It is like a sunrise. Remember a day when you stayed up all night and unintentionally you saw the sunrise. That is the exact feeling you come out with at the end. A warm, loving and happy feeling. A forgiving and a thankfulness. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis. That is the thing to remember and to hold on to when dealing with one.

This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis

Change the game

The other thing is, you will actively have to force your mind into a more positive mindset in stages. Your mind is a powerful tool and having the wrong programme running in the background can really sabotage you. How perceive things influence your choices and behaviour, which will then influence your life and the way you handle things. The more positive you try to be the more things will shift towards the better. Your attitude will also help your convalescence if not even drive it.

Be the change you want to see!

 

 

Violated

Respecting others boundaries

I have my private space, which surrounds me like anyone else. In the last two days, it has been violated by two different people, on two different occasions and by two different genders. I believe one should respect others boundaries and realise when someone is feeling uncomfortable. Obviously, some people have no sense of others private space or know when they are overstepping a line or they bluntly choose to ignore it. Though with most I am sure it is just pure blindness. Blinded by want, lust, need or hope, which still does not make it better or right.

Pointing it out

Despite being a confident individual even I lack to voice my opinion in moments like this or to be harsher. Though I should be. I may lack in spine, but mostly I am so startled that I say things in a too polite manner or not at all, which is wrong.
It should be a firm and pointed remark stating how this is making me feel, what it is that is bothering me and asking the person to stop. If that is ignored then I would go to the next step and physically make my point.

But why do we lack in doing so? I believe it has to do with the need to be connected, not wanting to disappoint, which is wrong, as by accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do! Screw losing others or disappointing. Then there is the barter factor/scenario, that is a choice that one can later become to regret. That can also become a very sticky situation, where you find yourself manoeuvred into to corners that make you feel queasy and uncomfortable.

Never accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

By accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do!

Say no and stay firm! Go with what you are comfortable with not more.