Getting the better of me

To be mortified, or not to be

My fear of flying got the better of me today. I became so stressed to the point I could feel the onset of fainting. The foggy head feeling, hearing impaired and you feel like you are burning up. The next thing you know you are out like a light.

I used to be really used to flying and actually enjoyed it. As children, we would be flying at least once a year. Then I had a break and since then I have somehow become phobic about it. It all happened after the manifestation of my OCD and that is all about being in control. So I am thinking it might be a control issue. It is hard to say as anxiety, OCD and control are have overlapping features.

If we were meant to fly we would have wings!

Aviophobia

At this point, it is hard to concentrate on anything else, which frankly is just stupid as this is winding me up even more. I cannot even remember what my psychologist said about fear and the amygdala, seemingly they have something to do with each other. It is there on the tip of my tongue but not accessible.

I will just confront my fear head on and sit through it like I learnt in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), as the body can only manage to stay in fight or flight mode for a limited amount of time. So hopefully the more I travel and am exposed to my fear the lesser it should become or at least in theory.

Meditation might work for some but for me with a mind racing like a formula one car that can think of none the less than this inherent fear, I see no sense in even trying.

The other approach to treating it could be (EMDR), which is used to treat PTSD. You are asked to relive or imagine the stressful situation whilst receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements following a light bar or hand tapping. Like CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR aims to reduce subjective distress and strengthen adaptive beliefs related to the traumatic event. I have tried it previously for my interview fear and it actually helped me. I have to admit at first I did not believe it would work. I could imagine this approach to have a positive outcome or maybe even the combination of CBT with EMDR.

I have thought about the medication along the lines of Valium. I imagine that could work but I also believe it would be a challenge to come to medicate aviophobia with at least in continental Europe. Plus the downside is you will get to your destination groggy and be of not much use otherwise. Not to mention I have no clue what effect it would have on the body in terms of cabin pressure, altitude etc.

I manage mine with alcohol, which is most certainly not the solution either. However, it makes it manageable for me and takes the edge off of things.

Welcome airport bar! Welcome caviar and prunier’s!

 

 

 

The secret perscription

Route into the unknown

I should have called this blog journey.
Journey through my soul and through life seeking answers and inspiration.
I actually started this blog to help others but somehow it has become my biggest catharsis. A place for a forever roaming mind, to rest my weary head.
I have grown so much by penning down my thoughts and analysing what I want. Having an outlet for things plaguing me. This space frees my mind of my bothers and gives me the tools to let go instead of obsessing over my problems, fear and hopes. I gain clarity by giving my thoughts a limited amount of time but in a structured, efficient manner. That enables me to set my mind free and break out of the inner shackles holding me back. I can finally feel free and let go.

You never know what is a blessing in disguise

What the heart wants

Feeling the rush
A surge of sentiments
A glimpse of hope like a silver lining on the horizon
An overdose of emotions
Then vacant and spent
Blank canvas no noise
Staring into the dark distortion
Then a spark
Ignition
Enlightenment and wonder
Swirling mind at hopes defined
Travelling through time on a high
Containing all emotions in my hearts jar as I follow the calling

 

 

Sharing is caring

And sometimes the best things are to come of this

In the last 24 hours, I entrusted the most inner secrets inexplicably, things I actually would have either never disclosed or most certainly not at this point.
What came of it you wonder?
The first feeling was regretting to do so but as the conversation progressed I realised it opened doors unimaginable to me. It catapulted me into another part of this friendship/relationship. The vulnerability on both sides leading to a close fast bond that I had not experience previously. We knew and shared things with each other that were never mentioned before. Broken away was that seal of fear. Letting everything show all the scars, the battle wounds, the disappointments, the expectations, the hopes, the wishes and dreams. All leaving us raw – but together. That rawness being the fundament on which we could build. That cold hard concrete slab with all its skeletons being the thing we ignore after addressing it but stand on, firm, hard, sturdy and in the past, making us what we are today and it is the inevitable past that would carry the pillar of trust for the future.

If you do not take a leap of faith how will you ever know?

Bring out the best in me

In an ideal world we should bring out the best in each other. I felt that sharing all this was like a gunshot before the race, a mark of a beginning, hopeful and eager stepping on to the track. Position uncertain but with a really good feeling about the final line. Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwine with ours.

Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwined with ours.

Closeness only comes to whom may try. If you want to lead a fulfilled life and relationship it takes courage. It takes overcoming pain and the fear of getting hurt, accepting the past and learning from it going forth, forgiving yourself for things handled ill and loving yourself for who you are. Accepting the other the way they are, listening and seeing the person for who they truly are. Accepting their past and helping them evolve and grow from there. Growing together rather than apart.

Thank you for that candid talk ❤︎

 

Fentimans and the Headache

Oh, headaches I have a few at the moment from an odd boss who has wobblies, to trying clients, to undateable men, to all the other things under the sun. It is a bit like the rose lemonade, odd. At the beginning not too bad, with every sip, you take the more sick of it you become, till after you have drunk the whole bottle and start to feel really nauseous.

Why can life not exist 5 minutes without trials? I have to admit somewhere I might have a slight responsibility in it, as I like action and seem to attract soap opera style scenarios but it surely is subconscious and not by mere choice. I do get bored if nothing happens but live has the odd way of handing you all at once or nothing at all.

The last 3 weeks have again been weeks with filled agendas. I feel a bit like a child in a sweet shop which might be why my body is retaliating right now with a headache and nausea. Too much is too much. There is only so far you can drive with a half-empty tank of fuel. So I will try to wind down emotionally and physically, take a timeout and switch off. The most important thing in life is to listen to yourself and what you need.

So for today I will log out and take a timeout, whilst fulfilling my bodies yearning for sleep.

 

 

 

Angelical Devil

The good, the bad and the in between

We all have a good and a bad side to us, which one will win the upper hand?
I try to be a good person but sometimes my devilish sides come out. I have this very mean streak of revenge, anger, unforgivingness and glee. I do not know where it comes from but it just breaks out. Does that make me a bad person or is it just human? When have you overstepped a line? When is it too much?

I had a mini shock after getting a not so flattering revue. Okay No.1 I know not everybody will love us and not all human combinations work,  No. 2 the review stemmed from a time admits depression, hardship and all sort of things going wrong. So I actually know I should not be overly shook up about it. Easier said then done. I am wondering if I am taking this too personally? All in all it still hit me like a freight train. It made me think about my behaviour of late. Analysing my behaviour and how it has sometimes got me into devil’s kitchen lately. Assessing if it needs to be dealt with. Is it too much? Have I always been like this or am I becoming cocky in certain areas or am I being over sensitive?

Reset

I have decided to pay closer attention to my behaviour in certain environments and assess what needs to be changed. I will try to be more polite and less direct, which comes across harsh at times or even dominant I have been told. I will try to not show my resentment towards certain people or their stupidity.  Though the latter two will pose the biggest challenge for me. But I want to be adamant I do not want to change my personality but asses what works for me or where I am causing havoc for myself and adjust it accordingly.

I have always been a person you either hate or love. I know it but still, I have not gotten used to it. I remember being a mousy child, a bullied child and always different, from the social-economic background to my heritage. This has shaped me, made though. Then my mental issues made me secluded, harsh and aggressive until I had overcome those. All of that shaped me.
But somewhere in this past there was a shift, from the talkative little girl that could not fight for herself to this phoenix that can rip your head off and manipulate you. Does that make me a bad person?
I do not think so. Like I said, I can. It does not mean I do. I only do that if and when provoked. What I am doing is standing up for myself maybe with a little sass and provocation but when doing so I need to have my eyes on the line so I do not overstep it or I will be in Devil’s Kitchen.

Be bold, be brash, stand up for yourself but also know when to shut up….

 

Green Eyed Monster

We are all flawed

Ever wonder why we cultivate this habit of being envious of others?
We are all guilty of it. I catch myself being jealous of what someone else has. But is the grass really always greener on the other side?
By doing so we harm ourselves. We put ourselves and our achievements down. We degrade ourselves. Rather than doing so we should focus on ourselves and celebrate our own achievements. We should spread love and not green goo.

I much rather prefer to compliment someone on something. It spreads positivity, gives me a good feeling, a possibility to bond and makes someone else smile. That is worth so much more. It was that very fix idea that made me change my mindset as I was sick of all the negativity we harbour.

I much rather prefer to compliment someone on someting. It spreads positivity, gives me a good feeling, a possibility to bond and makes someone else smile. That is worth so much more.

Group dynamics

Abused as bonding material envy is a powerful tool. In the western world where we have an abundance of resources and possibilities, it is used as a weapon to cultivate hate and anger by simultaneously bonding as a group. Actually a very sick combination. I see it in our very childish and petty meet-up fight. People are trying to discredit us and grow as a group, rallying against us and spreading rumours. I take it with annoyed humour as a compliment. It actually means we have an impact. We are considered a danger, as we do not let everyone partake, so in good old sociological terms we are unknown and the unknown like in medieval times leads to rumours and fear. Seeing that all I get from participants is compliments I consider we are a great threat to them. They mirror that in their behaviour, they focus on us. Not only do they weaken their standpoint they make themselves look silly. It seems they have nothing else to talk about, are in general negative people and do not know how to have fun.

I would rather distance myself from that kind of drama and negativity.

Compliments ahoi!

 

Getting what I want

Asking vs Demanding

What gets you further in life?
I have come to the conclusion even asking nicely will rarely get you the chosen result. So I demand what I want in a kind, polite but firm manner. It actually gets me mostly what I want. Unfortunately, I would be lying if I said that was the magic solution. Some people even seem resistant to that. Especially men need to be told in a direct manner what you want them to do, what you expect of them or else they go astray. Sorry guys this is not meant offensive, you just function and communicate differently to us. Less chance of misinterpretation for them. As a result, we women need to learn to grow a spine and work on our communication. Most problems in life stem from one person not having the courage to ask for something (mostly the female) and or the other misunderstanding but not trying to clarify when confused with what is at hand (male). Though this problem is not solely confined to this gender combination.

Work

That is what communication should be – work. Choose your words wisely and think about what kind of message you want to convey and to whom. Training is of the essence so try to apply this to any part of your life. The more elaborate you master this task the more proficient you will seem not just in private settings but also when networking or doing business. So mastering the art of speech is paramount for all areas of life.

Confidence

Anything you do, do it with confidence.
The best speech will lack in impact if the speaker has no poise. The way you carry your words is equally as important. It is after all the way you convey the message.

Prepared

If you can prepare for a conversation then the golden rule is, always come prepared. It is very important as you will lead the conversation rather than follow, which means just by that small change you will automatically become more confident.

Mastering this or training

I have not quite got into the realm of communication. I think carefully about everything I say despite certain people having an opposite opinion on that, mostly as they might have received a blow. I apply the blows like art, that is one point I have mastered. When it comes to debating my friends claim I never miss a beat and always come prepared. So the current training field for me is demanding what I want and not being scared to be stern regarding this. This also helps impose my standards while simultaneously building my poise and getting rid off ill-intent male dating candidates.