I am still wandering this globe looking for the solution to a low frustration tolerance. The best way to describe it is it feels like fire under my skin or a

Quest for the impossible

Floating through space and time

It seems all humans are on the same quest, an escape or distraction from our daily life. Every single one of us wants to experience the exciting. No matter what we do we are all looking for the same. No one is really happy or fulfilled – chasing the thrill. Most hop from one little excitement to the next with no real change. A fleeting moment in a series in a rather dull life. I do not want that.

Unfortunately, it is nearly – if not impossible to succeed in maintaining this constant spark or am I wrong? I live a much faster-paced life than the majority, exceeding the mental and physical speed limit for most but still, it is somehow not enough. I would like more of life. I wonder am I the only, surely not. No matter what you do for a living or however you live after a while it all becomes routine and loses its splendour.
How do others handle this?
I have tried reinventing myself new every year which is great but still factually not nearly enough excitement for me. Where do you go from there? When did I become so driven for change?
I have always embraced the idea of transformation and moving on to some extent but never to this extent of it becoming a driving force.

A friend of mine seems to be compelled by the same entity as me. Striving for a new adventure and to get closer to divinity he has decided to try magic mushrooms. I can understand his decision even if I would not choose the same path to meander down. This is what I meant with what I said before with we all strive. Maybe having all these possibilities under the sun and the information where to find all these choices just at the tips of our fingers, within a few clicks, leads us into temptation of a grandeur that was not possible before and is so to speak the downfall of our happiness. Scientists have proven too much choice can make you ill. So is this quest and all the countless possibilities making us ill?

Stuck but Happy

Still here…

After months of bad people including false friends, I have disposed of all the negativity. I have come to see clearly who my true friends are and who my foe is. Yes, I still weigh 10kgs too much and I am still single, but guess what I  am young, free and single, but most importantly happy with myself and my life.

Life is about striving for high goals not always reaching them but excelling and growing beyond yourself. The only race you are leading is the one with yourself. Ignore the people to your left and your right, ignore the bad influences, ignore the negative people. You need to live your best life and be the best version of yourself for yourself and nobody else.

As much as we do not like to acknowledge it but everything in life has an expiry or transformation date. There is no point in wasting time and worrying about things you cannot change and the things you can, why waste time pondering instead of doing?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

  1. You cannot control everything that happens to you, but you CAN control the way you respond. Yes, most of your stress comes directly from the way you think and act, not the way life is. Adjust your mindset and life will gain in simplicity.
  2. Don’t bother worrying about whether there will be problems. Negativity only attracts negativity.  Stop focussing on the bad. There will be plenty of things that will go wrong, and you will work your way through every one of them.
  3. If you focus too much on the future and ponder too long about your past, you will completely miss what is right in front of you. Worrying is a misuse of your incredible creative energy.  Instead of envisioning the worst, imagine the best and focus on achieving it.
  4. Today is a choice.  Today, choose grace over impatience, beauty over negativity, and presence over panic.
  5. There is absolutely nothing about your present situation – even the aspects you cannot control – that prevents you from progressing.
  6. Let go of what is wrong and focus on what is right.  Make things happen and let things happen.  Learn, accept, explore, create and experience, every single day, one step at a time.
  7. Keep being mindful and breathing deeply.  Things will be okay if you make the best out of what you are handed.

As for the negative people I give them max 10 minutes and then get on with it. I am trying to care for the right people instead of everybody. My time is valuable and I have learnt to use it wisely.

5 Rules of Happiness:

  • Don’t Hate
  • Don’t Worry
  • Give More
  • Expect Less
  • Live Simply

Shame on myself

The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm

I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.

Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.

Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.

I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.

No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.


If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.

I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.

I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?

I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.

Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.



Your Hobnail Boots

Think before you speak

How a mood can change in a blink of an eye just by saying something offensive. People are rarely aware of what they say and the way you phrase things can lead to a quite different outcome of a situation. It can cause an affront if a word or sentence is chosen without a second thought. That is, even more, the case when dealing with people that are not native to your language. Wright or wrong it still hurts.

I wish people would put more thought into their choices when communicating. In these fast-paced times with loads of communication pipelines, people have become lenient with their wording and unreflected when saying something. I do not always say kind things but even then they are never unreflected, which might seem to some cruel or harsh. Every word is orchestrated.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my surroundings to be slightly more refined with their communication, as you can often tell if someone is offbeat. Instead of receiving kind words and a shoulder to lean on when I am feeling down I have just received negative comments about my achievements. It hurts and everything is more amplified when you are down. I know the intention behind it was to push me to excel but it is a misguided version of it. The worst about it is I am guilty of the exact same crime. However, whenever I come across something that is done to me that I do not like and I realise I have done similar I will apologise. I enjoy reflecting on my behaviour to improve as that is the only way forward. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my sourroundings to be slightly more refined.

Settling myself

I am giving this whole discussion that is making me feel uneasy and unhappy a break. Giving things a breather helps me focus my attention, as well as calming my upset nerves. I know that avoiding things it not the way forward that is why I state it is a breather. Despite not feeling like going out and hosting my own meetup I will be joining my friends for drinks. Sometimes dragging yourself out even if you do not feel like it can help to change your mood and give you another mindset. Then I can tackle this discussion hopefully from a kinder and less personal angle. I do not want to be surrounded by negative people with a negative mindset. That will only lead to me withdrawing. I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.