The princess on the pea or finding the needle in the haystack

What happened to the princes? Why are there only frogs?

Okay, so we all do not want to spend our life alone at least most. So why is it so hard to find someone? Even online where you have an abundance of choice it is still hard to find the fitting suitor. I do not believe that my requirements for my partner are unreasonable but I also do not want to settle for less. I know I will have to make a few compromises but I am not willing to compromise on everything. I believe a lot of people share my sentiment. So why has it become so hard and why is there seemingly less choice? Have we become less flexible or have our standards gone up?
I am sure as so many things in life the more available, accessible and advanced things become the more our requirements go up, e.g. like having a fridge or not in the 1950’s.

Where do I go from there in this catch 22 situation?

I mean I would like a reliable, loyal partner with ambition, humour and the same outlook and goals in life. Someone I can share my day with, surprise, have a laugh with, spoil and enjoy the finer things in life with. Ideal would be if he were educated, handsome and had a nest egg, but those are not the be all and end all of this.

So why did I get dealt so crappy hands?

I know my friends say you picked them. I am not quite sure that comment is fair. Seeing choosing a weirdo can always happen to anyone and the older you get the more faulty produce is left on the shop shelf, that is my saying.

Once upon a time and a whole lot of WTF

I will let you into some weird anecdotes of my dating experience of the last few years and yes there is a vast amount of weirdos.

  • We had plans to go for brunch (his idea, his choice of venue, really expensive restaurant), he came with a bag which I commented on (supposedly for fitness, more like weapon of excuse). Then he mentioned he had already eaten at home even before I sat down and did not want to order. The waitress was not impressed as they are only open for brunch, not drinks. I decided to have brunch. He listened to me, never told me really anything about himself. I wanted to finish by getting a fruit bowl, he said he needed to go to fitness. So my reaction was let me eat this then we can go. His answer no I really have to go to fitness and fled. Then it turned out he did not even pay for his drinks. Thank god the waitress was understanding and did not charge me. By the way, met this guy on an elite dating app and not tinder.

 

  • Another chap was even more disrespectful. He went on a drinks date, decided to invite his friend along after spending the hour before bragging about how well hung he is as he is Mexican. We went out as he and his friend smoke. Outside he was eyeing up another girl. The second time he went for a smoke I decided to stay indoors. He dragged the girl in and in all honesty tried to sell this drunken chick as an old acquaintance. However, they had not yet made the connaissance of my savvy self and slammed him in the floor by saying I know all and your bird will be going home with her male BFF as they have already been together that is why he is hanging on to her and drooling all over her. Congratulation you have just won the 1st prize for the shittiest date and I am off clubbing without you. Good luck on getting laid tonight.

 

  • This one is similar to the first and actually originated from the same app. Is it only me that sees a pattern? He showed up for the second date. All well and good we went for drinks and then when it came to paying he wanted to but his card got declined. He works as a financial lawyer. He only has one card? Mhhh I was annoyed but paid. The next day we met for lunch. Shortly after ordering he disappeared to the ATM, to only come back and beg me to pay. Are all these supposed hotshots pathological liars or con artists?

I am sure there are a few more that I cannot think of at the moment. Let me know what your experiences are and if you have a super partner how you found them. I am really curious.

In the mean time I will be analysing and thinking of ways how to find mr. right for me.

 

 

Painting a clearer picture

Really penning it down

For my own sake I need to be clearer. I have realised my defined standards are very vague leaving too much room for interpretation even on my side. As I am traipsing around quite uncertain if I am maintaining them or not? So how do I go about figuring out what I want and what I really want my standards to be? It is easy to say maintain your standards but how if you are quite uncertain yourself regarding what they exactly are?

I for one would like the following things:

  • Presence, someone who wants to spend time with me and enjoys my company
  • Manners, opens the door for me, lets me walk-in first, pulls the chair out for me
  • Spoils me, treats me to little things, takes notes of my wishes, does me little favours
  • Kind and Caring, listens to me, helps me, nurtures me
  • Communication, talks to me, shares their worries and daily little things
  • Hard working, is willing to work on the relationship as much as me
  • Honesty, fears not to talk about anything and everything with me, shares information with me
  • Loyalty, we have each others backs and do not stab each other in the back
  • Respect, accepts and sticks to my needs, boundaries, desplay that in his behaviour
  • Reliabilty, I can count on him to stick to his words and when I need him he will be there

Obviously all that I am requesting will apply to me offering in return.

 

Rules to live by

As a lady I am begging and groveling why?
That is a habit that has been pointed out to me. Supposedly I give men too many chances. I have come to realise the worst point is, I put myself down by negotiating when bad behaviour is presented towards me. A lady would never accept bad behaviour would she?

In the future the iron lady will rule. Have you ever realised that when we do not like someone or are only remotely interested in them it is very easy to apply standards, as you do not care for rejection. However, when we are smitten with a person we start lowering our standards, negotiating and sometimes even accepting bad behaviour. Why?
Out of self-worth and respect we should not falter.

Clarifying the standards:

  • 2 Strikes and you are out rule, fool me once shame one you, fool me twice shame on myself
  • Treating all the same, no matter how interested or not I am they will all get the same treatment for the same conduct
  • Rewarding good behaviour, compromises on thing I am not too excited about will be granted for good performance
  • Punishment, freez-out, igronace for bad behaviour, will be a dish served cold to the non-compliant
  • Never budge or Negotiate, standards are standards
  • Carry myself like a lady, always maintain poise and mystery

I hope that these points and me taking the time to really sit down and think about what I want will have a positive effect and reaffirm my own conduct and the way I carry myself.

Rome was not built in a day!

 

 

Weeding through rubbish

How many more?

I had a very insightful and productive conversation with my neighbour regarding online dating. Her impression was either side of the fence gay or not it is hard and no matter what gender you date, we all struggle with the same. Her point of view was also that I would have to go on dates with maybe 10 shitty guys, to then go on dates with another 10 that are okay, to then find 5 that I might be interested in. That is true however I do believe reality is harsher.

My analogy to dating:

You have a bowl of popcorn. That is the total global male population.
Half of that bowl of popcorn can get axed as they are too old or young. Then you can kill a quarter as they are taken, then you can half and that quarter and kill the 8th as they are gay, from the leftover 8th you can exclude the 12th as they are incompatible for reasons like education or do not speak the same language etc., the 1/24 do not want or have the same outlook, the 48th are commitophobics, and the last 96th are guys that are not my type. So in the best case scenario of a global male population of 3.08 billion, I just have to sieve trough roughly 39’583’333 Million men all over the globe. Mhh seems doable. Sarcastic cough. Plus that is not encompassing the more precise breakdown of it which at the end leaves me with a crumb of a popcorn due to wishes and values that should match up.

My whole analogy is realistic but got labelled harsh. Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away. Everything has become the chase for the next best thing, always trying to see if there might be something better that could tweak my interest.

Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away.

Without the meandering possibility, the past presented itself simpler. I believe there was not the vast amount of possibilities so people did not think of looking for something better. In the two pools of very small communities I know in which people share the same wishes, hopes and values people seem vastly less picky and seem to settle easier. They seem happier and stick together.

Also, gender shifts, attitudes, fights and all that goes with equality, lead to more pressure and strain on relationships. It becomes harder to find someone who has the same wishes and expectations. Not to mention globalisation where people of all sort of socio-ecological background are now mingling whilst mangling the dating scene. Adding to the intricacy. We are all becoming more complex leading to our disintegration.

I love diversity but too much choice inhibits…

 

L.O.V.E

And the big question

The cure for everything is love.

What about self-love?

We tend to seek validation and happiness in a partner. Is that the answer or not rather the flaw? From small we are told in fairytales how one day we will be happy, fulfilled and will live happily ever after when our prince finds us. I have fallen into that trap. The two problems I face with my knowledge and the years is that A. happiness are fleeting moments you need to embrace and not a constant, B. That is seeking validation in others is not a solution, but rather a crutch we like to hold ourselves ransom with.

Happiness are fleeting moments you need to embrace

We rely on others to give us the atonement we lack in ourselves. Love us with all our flaws. With that, we give them power over us. What happens if they do not choose to? It is a dangerous game we play with primarily ourselves. Giving someone else the power over us.

How can someone love us if we cannot find it in ourselves? Do we not attract people will ill-fated intentions by devaluing ourselves by not loving ourselves?

Healing is something that comes from within much like self-love. They both have a lot in common. Realisation and embracing your true inner self is the path to self acceptance and in the end loving yourself.

Realisation and embracing your true inner self is the path to self acceptance and in the end loving yourself.

 

Hitting hard

Every facette of my mind

Shattered glass that is what my mind feels like sometimes. Focused on the strewn shards each one resembling something else. Or like a beehive, where every bee has it’s own mind and is doing its work totally unrelated to all the other bees to only come together as one big unison working for the bigger goal.
I am a person whom’s mind works overtime. Personally, I run at a faster pace than most other individuals which can lead to various friction points. I walk faster, think faster, talk faster and do various things in a faster manner. I get impatient whilst others get annoyed about me hassling them. What the least realise is that this accelerated speed also bothers me. Most of the time I feel driven and stressed. My synapses on fire bouncing all this information back and forth. Even emotionally I advance faster which can lead to friction in relationships.

So what is the solutions to take off the edge and reduce the speed?

I do find pharmaceuticals can help. I know in this case the only ones that would and that I know are benzodiazipams but they are a crutch, not a solution. The other problem is they are addictive and I do not want to be addicted to any substances. Besides these evident downsides, I have come to terms with the fact that all psychotropics make me fat. My metabolism goes to sleep while my appetite runs riot. So for those obvious reasons I am out to find a drug free solution. A Holistic approach.

Deceleration

Trying to decelerate myself and find tranquillity by doing things in a thoughtful and slow manner might help. My approach is mindfulness trying to be mindful in the way I go about matters.
I have found that proceeding slowly and aware bears an air of elegance, at the same time encouraging my mind to relax, slow down and be in general less stressed. Walking slower has a sensual, elegant and sophisticated component to it. You emphasise your own style to move.

Haste makes waste

Not just that but I have never seen any elegant women rush around or even if they have they still had this air of nonchalance surrounding them.

For me the calmer approach really works. Under pressure I still falter to my old ways but every day is another day to mould myself and to form this new habit. As they say it only takes 30 days to form a habit so concistancy is the key.

Literally step by step – becoming more elegant

 

 

The importance of being stern

Standards, standards, standards

I believe I mentioned the point about setting standards and sticking to them in another post. Well, the thing is, it is paramount to have them in the first place, but they are only as good as your stamina. Sticking to them is essential or what is the point of having them in the first place?

Having standards can range from relationships and how people treat you, to how you want to live or travel, to how you behave and carry yourself, the list can go on and on. I for my part have defined certain standards, not many and when it came to sticking to them forget it. Let’s put it that way I was very lenient and they were very rubbery, which has led to me betraying myself, my beliefs and subsequently hurting myself or causing myself pain in the process. In this challenge and my want to upmarket myself and find someone genuine who will treat me right, I have decided to overthink my standards and define them new, as well as vowing to stick to them.

Sticking to them is essiential or what is the point of having them in the first place?

To be able to define what your standards are you need to know where you want to go and what you want in life. You need a clear idea of what you want to attract or else it will all be in vain.

Goals, standards and getting there

I have compiled a list of work that entails all the tasks required pre- and post when it comes to defining your standards and succeeding in whatever it is you desire:

  1. Define what you want to achieve and where you want to go –> Your Goal
  2. Make a plan, map out or think of what task or changes can lead to helping you achieve your goal.
  3. Implement the necessary changes and keep repeating them till they have become a habit –> Use reminders (lists, post-its)
  4. Stick to your track for yourself and do not drop the defined standard or let yourself be deviated by other people and their ideas –> You know best!

I have decided for myself that these are the things I want to ammend so I have started to implement them and am currently training, so that they become natural habits of mine.

Be more upmarket:

  • Use the good old manners my mom thaught me, so say please and thank you
  • Use hand written notes in Whatsapp, e.g. for thank you notes, love notes, etc.
  • Stand straight and walk straight not like a slouchy patatoe (Word of wisdom from my Ballet Teacher)
  • Do things with contenance, elegance and grace, stop fretting about things
  • Be polite even to rude people, they get even angrier which is quite amusing
  • Dress to impress, try to look stylish at all times

Being treated like a lady and with respect:

  • If you want to be treated like a lady, carry yourself like one
  • Do not lower your standards or be talked into things by men
  • Let them travel to you, let them put in the effort, make them work for it, i.e. chase you
  • Make your point clear. You will only accept being treated like a lady and stand your ground if they do not.

Those are the changes that I have chosen to implement to get where I want to go. Fishing for a guy with style who is sophisticated, educated, cultured, intelligent, passionate, loyal and kind.

Good luck with your standards and your goals may you achieve what you wanted!

 

Getting back on the horse

Online Dating and First Impressions

Online Dating can be super brutal and even worse when you have a low self-esteem or are within the narcissistic spectrum.

I had heard so much bad about online dating lately, especially in terms of Plenty of Fish and Tinder.  Having tried another online dating website that was a horrible experience, I was very reluctant to try another one with the prospect of it turning out the same. After the facebook ad kept popping up in my feed and it seemed nice I decided to join. The inner circle is like a small world, Instagram, elite singles and tinder all rolled into one.

The first impressions of all the guys on that page were wow. Handsome, ambitious, educated and super successful. My first thought was am I enough. I always feel like I am not slim enough, attractive enough or successful enough despite being told otherwise. I do believe it has to do with my experience with men. I tend to get looked at as a piece of meat, a fling, a nice past time, a nice face but nothing serious at least not with the ones I am interested in. That it is like an old wound that does not want to heal and keeps gaping open.

My first thought was am I enough. I always feel like I am not slim enough, attractive enough or successful enough despite being told otherwise.

So there I went against all odds and my inner voice. I added my Facebook data as the app only works with that. I dragged in my old pics, I added some new ones and started typing. At first, my profile was common I am like this and you should be like that blabla. It did not stand out or seem special in any way, shape or form. The first 24 hours were tough, I felt unworthy to be on this dating platform. I was close to giving up and wondered if anyone would ever write.

Change your mindset, stand out and be uniquely you

After the first day, I decided to change things. I had remembered what my mentor had said, “hey you are smart how come do you not know how to market yourself?” I am a typical girl, which means we are not brought up to boast or market ourselves but rather to stay discreetly in the background. If I wanted to attract sensible guys I would have to change that. I would have to stand out make my personality shine and become a little more brazen.

So I researched the internet on tips carried them all together and made kind of a mashup off all the tips. That resulting in the best profile I had ever made of myself. My male friends thought it really capture my personality and said it stood out from an average dating profile.

I will share my tricks with you for a successful dating profile:

  • Have about 5-6 pictures, one headshot for the main, one full body no bikini shots that gives off the wrong impression, the other few showing your favourite hobbies. Yes first impressions count unfortunately here it are Never use photos with sunglasses if you can help it your eyes say so much about you and avoid posting only pictures with friends as how else will they know which one you are? Please no selfies, especially mirror ones or toilet ones and at all times no peace signs, duckfaces or anything like that or have you ever heard anyone call those pictures classy?

 

  • The main picture preferably being a black and white headshot candidly taken, not looking into the camera but smiling with your teeth showing and wearing your hair up. For a man please take a black and white too, looking straight into the camera and smiling without showing your teeth. Most people use colour so black and white really stands out. Headshot should be just you and please no selfies. The other suggestions are based on statistical ascertainment on what the genders deem enticing.

 

  • Never and I repeat never use to old pics. Half a year is acceptable everything else is cheating and will leave your opposite feeling cheated.

 

  • Use the simple but logical formula, who I am, You, a relationship or alternatively what you are looking for.

 

  • Write a zingy text. It does not have to be long but it should show your personality. Keep it short and simple and think about what makes you uniquely you. Feel free to be quirky or make jokes.

 

  • No false modesty. Shine your own light. Be your biggest cheerleader because if you do not find yourself cool why would anyone else? Let’s face it we all attracted to confident people. If you feel like putting a flaw in or otherwise you will feel like hypocrites. You can do that but apply the same rule as in a job interview make it look like a positive. Something along the lines of “I am like Eva Longoria super steamy hot, fiery hot tamales, so much so I can burn a fried egg in a second to a charcoal heap” ;).

 

  • Avoid negative wording. Do not say things like I hope to find the perfect man. That already sounds resigned with hoping. Say something along the lines of my ideal man is……

 

  • Do not look hot and heavy, desperate or all in one. Tone it down. Keep it breezy still stating your expectation but without applying pressure. I want to find someone to settle down with and have a family but if I put that anywhere into my profile any man even the nice ones will feel pressured and run a mile.

 

  • Sex sells but mind the pitfalls and the slim line between slutty and sexy. Suttle sex appeal goes a far way but it can become sultry very quickly. Avoiding things like I am a very sexual being and go for a flexible yoga pic without a comment or say something like, I can tie knots into to cherry stems with my tongue, build something like that into your profile. Or else you might be reduced to a. just sex or b. you take the mystic away from them. Men like the chase, the mystery.

 

  • Do not limit yourself by being too picky. Having standard is good and knowing what you want but I you turn up with a long wishlist you might be excluding somebody who is fitting but not in little details. Keep an open mind and be flexible, you are only going on dates and not mail ordering a groom.

 

  • Do not say things jerks, players and iditios move on, as that might be understood as a challange and as the law of attraction states by naming them you are actually inviting them along for the game.

 

  • Make yourself accesible by having conversation openers. The worst profiles are the ones that interest you but you do not know how to start a conversation with that person as they never provided you with a gateway.

 

Be direct while exuding mystery, be modest while flaunting what you have got, be open while explaining what you need. Be yourself, be flirty, not too cute and keep it brief. Do not lie, exaggaerate, intimdate or irritate.

Happy flirting everybody and may you find your soulmate, as I believe it is never too late in the game to have a second chance.