Life is merely a journey

Joyfully awaited

I try to enjoy every moment in life and really suck up the good especially following the years of despair. If anyone would have told me I would feel this way again, I would have not believed them. It took a lot to get here but now I finally am, I am content within myself and my life even if it is not perfect.

When you are depressed or suffer from anxiety life seems to have these layers of haze on them. It is hard to see past the veil of negativity that covers you. It all has this greyish tint and dusty feel. Surpassing this mindset is a trial, as it sucks you in and drags you down. It feels like a lead belt that is keeping you deeply underwater. Managing to fight your way out can only be done by breaking the mould/mindset in small portions.

All the effort and work that went in was the same as losing weight, you lost some, you gained some and the change came in spurts. The last year was like I am on the last one hundred meters and they are just dragging on. When will this stop? Will this ever end? Sometimes I was at the end of my tether with the situation but my mantra has always been never give up. This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. It is like a sunrise. Remember a day when you stayed up all night and unintentionally you saw the sunrise. That is the exact feeling you come out with at the end. A warm, loving and happy feeling. A forgiving and a thankfulness. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis. That is the thing to remember and to hold on to when dealing with one.

This is when you really need perservence and endurance, but it all pays off in the end. The nice thing is it always feels like this. Everytime you battle your way out of a mental health crisis

Change the game

The other thing is, you will actively have to force your mind into a more positive mindset in stages. Your mind is a powerful tool and having the wrong programme running in the background can really sabotage you. How perceive things influence your choices and behaviour, which will then influence your life and the way you handle things. The more positive you try to be the more things will shift towards the better. Your attitude will also help your convalescence if not even drive it.

Be the change you want to see!




Respecting others boundaries

I have my private space, which surrounds me like anyone else. In the last two days, it has been violated by two different people, on two different occasions and by two different genders. I believe one should respect others boundaries and realise when someone is feeling uncomfortable. Obviously, some people have no sense of others private space or know when they are overstepping a line or they bluntly choose to ignore it. Though with most I am sure it is just pure blindness. Blinded by want, lust, need or hope, which still does not make it better or right.

Pointing it out

Despite being a confident individual even I lack to voice my opinion in moments like this or to be harsher. Though I should be. I may lack in spine, but mostly I am so startled that I say things in a too polite manner or not at all, which is wrong.
It should be a firm and pointed remark stating how this is making me feel, what it is that is bothering me and asking the person to stop. If that is ignored then I would go to the next step and physically make my point.

But why do we lack in doing so? I believe it has to do with the need to be connected, not wanting to disappoint, which is wrong, as by accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do! Screw losing others or disappointing. Then there is the barter factor/scenario, that is a choice that one can later become to regret. That can also become a very sticky situation, where you find yourself manoeuvred into to corners that make you feel queasy and uncomfortable.

Never accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

By accepting such behaviour we are letting ourselves down, which we should never do!

Say no and stay firm! Go with what you are comfortable with not more.



The Rollercoaster that life is

Where will you take yourself?

Life is like a rollercoaster or like the tide, a constant fluctuation of emotions. We eternally are seeking happiness within ourselves or others. Striving for that constant, that is an idealistic perception of humankind. Never the less there is a tone that sets the mood, sometimes for the better or the worse.

Which will it be?

I do believe we can choose our mindset and our choice influences our surroundings, our future and our soul. So choose wisely.

As these days are growing darker and colder, the nights becoming a drag, I choose happiness, laughter, warm fires, friends and hot chocolate. I could see it as a depressing time of year, with a lot of grey, cold with darkness, but I choose to focus on the little things that make me happy. Like the odd days when the sun is out and ever so golden on the horizon, the snow that makes for fun times with friends, the darkness and cold that makes for cosy evenings on the sofa with hot chocolate, the time to enjoy card or board games and puzzles, the time to enjoy that good read in a hot bath, the time with family to eat fondue. The little things like that. Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Nothing lasts forever if you can accept the fact that life and happiness are fleeting it will enable you to be a happier and more content as a person, as you will learn to enjoy each moment with the intensity it deserves. Seeing pleasure and reaping satisfaction in those fleeting moments that make for a great life. Without the pain, we would not be able to appreciate the good.  So embrace your emotions, let the bad out and savour the good.

Enjoy the autumn guys!


Getting the better of me

To be mortified, or not to be

My fear of flying got the better of me today. I became so stressed to the point I could feel the onset of fainting. The foggy head feeling, hearing impaired and you feel like you are burning up. The next thing you know you are out like a light.

I used to be really used to flying and actually enjoyed it. As children, we would be flying at least once a year. Then I had a break and since then I have somehow become phobic about it. It all happened after the manifestation of my OCD and that is all about being in control. So I am thinking it might be a control issue. It is hard to say as anxiety, OCD and control are have overlapping features.

If we were meant to fly we would have wings!


At this point, it is hard to concentrate on anything else, which frankly is just stupid as this is winding me up even more. I cannot even remember what my psychologist said about fear and the amygdala, seemingly they have something to do with each other. It is there on the tip of my tongue but not accessible.

I will just confront my fear head on and sit through it like I learnt in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), as the body can only manage to stay in fight or flight mode for a limited amount of time. So hopefully the more I travel and am exposed to my fear the lesser it should become or at least in theory.

Meditation might work for some but for me with a mind racing like a formula one car that can think of none the less than this inherent fear, I see no sense in even trying.

The other approach to treating it could be (EMDR), which is used to treat PTSD. You are asked to relive or imagine the stressful situation whilst receiving one of several types of bilateral sensory input, such as side-to-side eye movements following a light bar or hand tapping. Like CBT with a trauma focus, EMDR aims to reduce subjective distress and strengthen adaptive beliefs related to the traumatic event. I have tried it previously for my interview fear and it actually helped me. I have to admit at first I did not believe it would work. I could imagine this approach to have a positive outcome or maybe even the combination of CBT with EMDR.

I have thought about the medication along the lines of Valium. I imagine that could work but I also believe it would be a challenge to come to medicate aviophobia with at least in continental Europe. Plus the downside is you will get to your destination groggy and be of not much use otherwise. Not to mention I have no clue what effect it would have on the body in terms of cabin pressure, altitude etc.

I manage mine with alcohol, which is most certainly not the solution either. However, it makes it manageable for me and takes the edge off of things.

Welcome airport bar! Welcome caviar and prunier’s!




The secret perscription

Route into the unknown

I should have called this blog journey.
Journey through my soul and through life seeking answers and inspiration.
I actually started this blog to help others but somehow it has become my biggest catharsis. A place for a forever roaming mind, to rest my weary head.
I have grown so much by penning down my thoughts and analysing what I want. Having an outlet for things plaguing me. This space frees my mind of my bothers and gives me the tools to let go instead of obsessing over my problems, fear and hopes. I gain clarity by giving my thoughts a limited amount of time but in a structured, efficient manner. That enables me to set my mind free and break out of the inner shackles holding me back. I can finally feel free and let go.

You never know what is a blessing in disguise

What the heart wants

Feeling the rush
A surge of sentiments
A glimpse of hope like a silver lining on the horizon
An overdose of emotions
Then vacant and spent
Blank canvas no noise
Staring into the dark distortion
Then a spark
Enlightenment and wonder
Swirling mind at hopes defined
Travelling through time on a high
Containing all emotions in my hearts jar as I follow the calling



Sharing is caring

And sometimes the best things are to come of this

In the last 24 hours, I entrusted the most inner secrets inexplicably, things I actually would have either never disclosed or most certainly not at this point.
What came of it you wonder?
The first feeling was regretting to do so but as the conversation progressed I realised it opened doors unimaginable to me. It catapulted me into another part of this friendship/relationship. The vulnerability on both sides leading to a close fast bond that I had not experience previously. We knew and shared things with each other that were never mentioned before. Broken away was that seal of fear. Letting everything show all the scars, the battle wounds, the disappointments, the expectations, the hopes, the wishes and dreams. All leaving us raw – but together. That rawness being the fundament on which we could build. That cold hard concrete slab with all its skeletons being the thing we ignore after addressing it but stand on, firm, hard, sturdy and in the past, making us what we are today and it is the inevitable past that would carry the pillar of trust for the future.

If you do not take a leap of faith how will you ever know?

Bring out the best in me

In an ideal world we should bring out the best in each other. I felt that sharing all this was like a gunshot before the race, a mark of a beginning, hopeful and eager stepping on to the track. Position uncertain but with a really good feeling about the final line. Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwine with ours.

Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwined with ours.

Closeness only comes to whom may try. If you want to lead a fulfilled life and relationship it takes courage. It takes overcoming pain and the fear of getting hurt, accepting the past and learning from it going forth, forgiving yourself for things handled ill and loving yourself for who you are. Accepting the other the way they are, listening and seeing the person for who they truly are. Accepting their past and helping them evolve and grow from there. Growing together rather than apart.

Thank you for that candid talk ❤︎


Fentimans and the Headache

Oh, headaches I have a few at the moment from an odd boss who has wobblies, to trying clients, to undateable men, to all the other things under the sun. It is a bit like the rose lemonade, odd. At the beginning not too bad, with every sip, you take the more sick of it you become, till after you have drunk the whole bottle and start to feel really nauseous.

Why can life not exist 5 minutes without trials? I have to admit somewhere I might have a slight responsibility in it, as I like action and seem to attract soap opera style scenarios but it surely is subconscious and not by mere choice. I do get bored if nothing happens but live has the odd way of handing you all at once or nothing at all.

The last 3 weeks have again been weeks with filled agendas. I feel a bit like a child in a sweet shop which might be why my body is retaliating right now with a headache and nausea. Too much is too much. There is only so far you can drive with a half-empty tank of fuel. So I will try to wind down emotionally and physically, take a timeout and switch off. The most important thing in life is to listen to yourself and what you need.

So for today I will log out and take a timeout, whilst fulfilling my bodies yearning for sleep.