Getting to the core

Shedding layers

Is integrally speaking a necessity. I have shed loads of old selves, reinvented myself. Shed layers and layers of skin. Peeled away at my soul to find the quintessence of my being and my problems but rarely do I let people in to see what is below the surface.

We all have these different facades which we have in place, depending on what kind of social interaction takes place the mask will change. Do we ever really know who is sitting in front of us? Do we sometimes get confused about who we are ourselves?

If your child, adult and parent are in tune, that I believe is when you are truly yourself as they are the parts that make you uniquely you.

Having been told that peeling away at the exterior was enjoyable and especially after revealing what lays beneath was a lovely compliment to receive. Having people question my single status based on my personality too. I have finally come to the point where I am in tune with myself and happy with the overall package that I am.

Despite all revelation is a feeling I am not quite sure where to place as it makes you vulnerable, susceptible to pain, which I have had enough in the last few years. On one side I long for depth but at the same time shy away of unveiling really all. Different people get to see different parts of me depending on how comfortable I am with you. Not letting people in is lonely but also leads to no serious connection, all stays shallow and without real depth.

Slowly I am learning that I need to take risks and accepting the fact that everything has a price it depends what you are willing to pay. Rather stay lonely but not mangled emotionally or let people in with the chance of getting hurt or disappointed.

If your child, adult and parent are intune I believe is when you are truly yourself as they are the parts that make you uniquely you.

Fading away

Where is the delete button for my head?

Why do I still miss them and when will it stop?
I know it will stop but the getting there is the problem. It seems, I like to have what I cannot have, but it is not just me. Why are we like that?
I have severed the connection to the two the previously mentioned people but somehow forgetting them seems to be harder than expected. I have not even added her phone number anymore to my new phone to avoid getting in contact, as the only result would be drama. Nonetheless is it silly for me to hope they will reach out and contact me? Miss me as much as I miss them? I know from relationships that you can move on and that they will eventually fade into the nirvana of my mind but when?

Fade into the nirvana of my mind


Meeting up with some old friends I haven’t seen in a long time was a real eye-opener too. On the other side of the spectrum lays this scenario. I have moved on. We have not got much in common anymore. Their status slowly evolved to acquaintances not friends as we are growing further and further apart. Looking back it has been a continuous moving on. Friendships change, grow, evolve, wither, you win some and lose some along the way. I believe it is essential to try to maintain them but not to every price. As mentioned I believe if the person shows effort, you enjoy each others company, they make you happy why not? If they just bring drama, anger, dissapointment or bad behaviour to the table why cultivate such a relation?

Friendship is like a garden that needs tendering to but from both sides. The gardner will not bother if the plants do not give any fruit, the plants on the other hand, will not give fruit if the gardner neglects them.

One thing I have learnt with travelling this much and having friends in two different countries a flight away is that everything needs more investment, more TLC. Friendship and love needs a continuous investment if you want it to sustain from both sides. People like to be on their best behaviour in the beginning and invest a lot to impress a person, as time passes so does that need to put in an effort. Do we all not know that feeling when you start trading in high heels for sneakers? Just because you have known someone for some time or years does not mean they deserve less attention or investment. Remember actively to make an effort and that everyday. You will reap the earnings and strenghten the bond at the same time.

Another important method to maintain old relationships is inverse investment. What does that mean?
The inverse investment means keeping yourself occupied and interesting for other people and not losing yourself in your new friendship or relationship. Following your hobbies, interests and still going out with old friends. It means not just focusing on your new toy like a child at Christmas and losing interest after 5min. It is a more mature and long-term approach to keeping the spark alive. If you have things to tell your partner or friends about it automatically makes you more interesting and keeps the spark alive. The chances of being those old friends/couple that has nothing to tell each other will not have much nurishment.

Friendship and love needs a continious investement if you want it to sustain.

After all this reflective talk I still have not found the solution to getting them out of my system. I guess time will tell…

5 plus 5 always equals ten

Sticking to standards

Giving people second chances or multiple ones is human but far from sensible.
I give certain friends far too many chances and let my standards slip, while making up excuses for why they behaved that way, in doing so I am only letting myself down. For the future, I have now taken this new mantra (5+5=10 always) to heart so that I can check myself before I wreck myself. Seriously I need an easy mantra to live by or question that I can ask myself in situations to evaluate if I am letting my standards slip because if it is too complicated I will just forget it again. Now if I am uncertain if I am living up to my own standards I will simply ask myself does this equal ten? Am I actually sticking to my standards?

For the future I have now taken this new mantra to heart so that I can check myself before I wreck myself.

I am worth more time and attention. I am worth being treated kindly and with respect. I am worth having my needs accepted and taken seriously. Then why do I put up with such neglecting behaviour? As I like that person! But is it worth it? Maybe not as it is just stressing me out or in the worst case making me sad.
I have two friends which are ruthless in that matter and I admire them for it. They tend to suffer far less then I do.
So from this day forward, the standards are to be maintained always for my own sanity.

So how do I define my standards

To have standards to follow I need to know what I want and how I want to be treated. Defining standards can be just as hard as sticking to them. They should basically reflect who you are and what you need from people to feel secure, treated with respect and be happy.

To give you a few examples here are some of my own:

  • Valuing myself (sticking up for myself/not selling myself short)
  • I do not lower my standards to accept other people’s behaviour
  • Acknowledge my critic
  • Listen to my needs (actions speak louder than words)
  • Just get in touch from time to time (Do I honestly need to chase you?)
  • Treat me like you would like to be treated
  • Not falling for an illusion of people
  • Not bending backwards to please people
  • Not putting up with peoples bs
  • I do not deal with people that do not know what they want
  • Overvaluing people

This list is meant for any interaction with humans may it be project related, friendship, love life etc.

5 plus 5 always equals ten

How far did I come?

Where it all spiraled out of control

I went back to the roots of where my OCD spiraled out of control. It was this neighborhood ridden with crime, brothels, junkies. Three quarters have fell to gentrification and have been cleaned up but the core still remains. I ventured there as it was the location for the indiefilm I partook in.

The bar was a seedy, vile smelling old and gloomy establishment that had seen better days but supposedly was the suitable place for this coming of age story. It has sleaze stamped all over it. Not just because of the dirty and worn interior but the clientel was as much sleezy and had seen better days just like this establishment.
I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through. At first I was even reluctant to drink out of the glasses the thought of herpes sending chills down my spine but as time progressed I arranged myself. If you are invited it is very impolite to say no, so I joined in with the others. I had the most wonderful encounters with the millions of chewing gums that the working girls had stuck under the bar which made me want to wash my hands everytime I touched them by error, which was often and impossible during scenes. So that subsquently meant sitting it out.

I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through.

It’s a wrap

No chance to hop into the shower and more confrontation therapy ahead I headed over to my dance studio. I have to admit I did choose a locker I would usual never choose to avoid contaminating myself in future. The same went for the yoga mat. After dance class I then wore my workout clothes rather then set clothes to a meetup I was joining. Also to avoid further contaminating a place which I frequent. At home I continued this meticulus behaviour avoiding contaminating the house. Taking everything off and placing it into my dance bag with the set clothes, after cleaning and washing every single item of my handbag as well as the handbag and shoes I hopped into the shower and took a long hot shower with disenfectant soap.

I know I could have done better and used this moment as chance to reinforce the new OCD free me but out of fear I chose not to. I felt like I was going a number of steps back in doing so and the feeling stuck a little. Even though I must admit a few years ago I would have never imagined even doing this project or going there. If somebody would have suggested it, I would have laugh at them. So I have come a long way and am currently at 95% before my OCD me, which frankly about 2 years ago during my depression I would haven never believed would be possible.

I am getting there one step at a time and setbacks are allowed. I can draw strength from the knowlege I am moving on and knowledge from the setbacks as I can analyse where I am still struggling pushing further past future boundaries.

Letting go of certain people

From bad behaviour to manipulation

Sometimes you come to a crossroad in life where you have to choose or you have simply outgrown a friendship. Other times you just get sick and tired of the person’s behaviour or how they treat you so you decide to sever the connection. It would be nice if it was always this simple but sometimes it is just not. I have two dear people I should come to a ruling about based on their behaviour but I am finding coming to a conclusion quite hard. One I will miss because of the abundance of possibilities but are they more than a mere illusion?
Chasing an illusion would be a waste of my time. So where do I draw the line?
The other one is a friend that I have grown close to in a short time and I miss when I have not seen her in a while. Where do I draw the line if all is about her and she just constantly starts fights about petty things and behaves toxic and that with anybody and everybody?
And what if with both of them, it is driven by me wanting to uphold this friendship and them taking a lazy back seat with various excuses?

I have some other friends and also family that would not put up with such conduct. To be quite honest ask myself why I do it. I guess I prefer to give people chance and accept that we are different but maybe it has some sort of borderline component to the decision as letting go is never easy.

Trying to find the answer

This will be a tough one or not depending on how long I will put up with their shenanigans.

See this is where I start wondering if it is the lack of communication on my side even though I subconsciously know it is not. But why do I go there? This boils down to the histrionic, narcissistic, borderline triangle. Where I start questioning myself and making up excuses for other peoples tardy etiquette! Maybe I should start demanding with a deadline? As nicely placing what I wish for goes nowhere.

I am sick and tired of playing the blame game I have just realised. It is a fact and that is it. In life pointing the finger is just a method to deflect from the obvious naked truth that some use constantly. It is a form of subtle manipulation when used to absurdum is not so subtle anymore.

In life pointing the finger is just a method to deflect from the obvious naked truth.

I will demand what I need and see where that takes me. In the worst outcome, we will go our separate ways, as what does it bring to hold on to a friendship where my or your needs are not met? Plus nobody can be forced to do or say what he or she does not want to and what would be the point of getting lied to if it is not the truth but merely that what I want to hear? Nothing as actions speak louder than words and the person will never materialise to what I want them too as it was a lie.

Please feel free to drop me a line below and give me some input. How do you deal with friendships like this? Is there a solution? When do you draw the line?


Shop till you drop

Rolled down the hill, now I need to hike back up

I went into shopping excess to come to terms with my grief. Looking back surrounding myself with objects gave me comfort, distracted me and I had built a fort of things. In hindsight one of the dumbest things I have done but in that time it gave me solace. The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping. I wasted funds I didn’t have or would have needed for other things, which I will never get back. I managed to fill my place up with soo much stuff that the cellar is inaccessible and guest room as well unless you are a mountaineer. Not to mention the fact that I have spread my stuff to my mothers as well!

The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping.

Now I am better I am getting really annoyed with this excess baggage and I am trying to shift the lot. My frustration has reached an all-time high and I have started to declutter and get rid off things. Some are new, some are childhood/teenager things that remind me of happy times, some are hobbies I no longer do. All of it is cluttering my mind and weighing me down.
Mostly the new things I consider a burden as they were purchased when I was unhappy, not myself and my OCD went wild manifesting itself as a hoarding/shopping OCD. I just wished I had seen it earlier. It is not like I did not receive education regarding OCD when I was first treated but somehow therapists only inform you of the standard OCDs so you end up looking out for those. I found out the hard way that it can manifest itself in a multitude unimaginable otherways. Anything in excess is bad if you have had OCD.

Do I need that? Hell no!

The getting rid is a mixture of, that what I do not want but cost money to it might come in handy. It is hard to explain why in certain areas it is harder to let go of things than in others. I guess the things that I have owned longer and outgrown are easier to get rid off than things that are new and I do not like as the guilt eats away at me in that regard. Thank god not all are brand new and some of “the new things” are in actual fact secondhand things. Giving away or getting rid of the object is in some way a catharsis of guilt at the same time.

The thing that it will take the same amount of time and effort to eradicate the mess I have gotten myself into as it did to build the fort of things. The mere thought of the time invested is enough to put anyone off. So there is an ambivalence that I am fighting. Sometimes the frustration about the clutter gets the upper hand and sometimes it is the annoyance of the amount of work involved.
I have looked into getting myself help but that involves extra costs which I do not want to incur.

So I am left with my ambivalence, a gianormous workload and no clue what to do with the clutter.

Helping others

As I have tried to get back some money for things and failed horribly I will try to make the best out of this misfortune by donating the things to charities and people in need. The idea behind this is to turn the utterly bad experience into something good, something I can feel better about. Making it a double positive one for me and one for the other person involved. I believe that trying to see the good in bad situations is the way forward. Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.

Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.


Vacant, Exhausted and Neutral

Brain not working…..

This weekend I decided to take a slower pace and ended up more exhausted after the weekend than when I kept going. Mind you probably burning the candle at both ends is finally catching up? Maybe it was the subsiding energy mixed with the relaxation I don’t know. I am not used to having a vacant, no stress, fearless composure. The last few years were a rollercoaster of emotions with an underlying constant stress. Maybe being myself again has eradicated the anxiety and all the emotional turmoil of the past has left my soul in need of recuperation and relaxation.

What do you do when you are empty?

I accept it and am just glad to be. It is a little like being an innate object but I like it. It feels so pacified after all the madness. If and when situations like this promote themselves then just flow with them, switch your mind off take a downtime and accept it as a treat, as in this hectic world we do not embrace the time out enough anymore. There is always something we should be doing or someone we should be meeting and if not we artificially construct something to fill our time.

The poison is in the dosage

It is an art form to master getting the measurement right of activeness, relaxation and tasks. We all have things that need to get done. Those should be done first just so they are a. done (excuses always arise) and b. fun things can be enjoyed (no nagging conscience). After doing the tasks that are considered work, do something fun reward yourself with something relaxing or active that you consider fun. There are some things that might fall into the category fun and task at the same time, in my eyes they are rewards too as I enjoy the task, i.e. for me grocery shopping. Just also be aware to take timeouts where you just relax and lounge not just pursuing the active treats.
You should try to get a balanced schedule, a bit like a varied diet too much of anything is not good. I try to plan my week and weekends, but I also choose a lot of space for spontaneity as I enjoy deciding based on my mood. My friends are not too pleased with the newly discovered spontaneity they half-heartedly accept it. At the end of the week, you should be able to look back and say it was a productive but also an enjoyable week.

You should try to get a balanced schedule, a bit like a varied diet too much of anything is not good.

So this week I will be relaxing more than usual and just being.