Enough is enough


I surpassed my limit for the selfishness of others. I have taken pride in being thoughtful towards others and kind, but currently, I am overthinking my decision for being that way. I have started to feel like a doormat and I am not having it.

What is the point to read my blog and hold contact if you want to be superficial? Some people are a mystery in why they do the things they do. Maybe it is time to reconsider my choices in humans. I could have sworn that since I am vastly normal, I choose normal. Seems to be a misinterpretation from my side. It just fills me with anger at how blind I can be. I know in life you have to take risks and sometimes you get rewarded and sometimes you will get smacked in the face. That does not mean it will make it easier with knowing this. As one of my best friends says humans will be humans, they are idiots. At this point do I agree.

Luckily you can choose. If someone does not treat me the way I want what is the point of engaging? As much as they disappoint me maybe I should just consider binning them for my own mental sanity. As I have found out there are plenty more people that really appreciate me. So why sell myself short? No worth!
I honestly wonder why I sell myself short? We all do in some form but why?

I am honestly contemplating not bothering with exciting people as no matter what gender they are they just disappoint. How do you handle sucky people that do infinitely not really know what they want? Honestly, I would love to know from you readers how do you deal with these kind of people? What do you do when you realise someone does not deserve your devotion?

I am soooo over it!

The voice of wisdom

I hope at the end they are right, that through persivierance we end up where we are meant to be. I will not be accepting anything less then to be treated like a princess. I had lovingly put a lot of effort in and only got have hearted appreciation, which I will no longer stand for.

My friends other theory is that self-deteration is what is leading this. I do not know. Supposedly we attract it. So their solution is lock the door to those kind of people and find niceness. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with your thoughts. I am supposed to protect myself knowing I will not let this happen anymore and to find comfort and strenght in that. Apperently those tweaks should will change a lot of things for me. But what do you do if you think people are nice and they turn out different than the picture they deceived you with?

Why is everybody so damaged and jaded? It seems worse than a decade ago.

My advice to all the damaged sort your own shit out before you try to date other people!




When the going gets tough, the tough get going


My motivation at the moment is at an all time low. I am very much indulging in all things hedonistic and anything related to tasks that are uncomfortable is being ignored, which subsequently leads to me rolling my eyes at myself. I am neglecting my blog, my fitness regime and anything remotely related to tasks.

So I am going to go on the mad adventure of returning to the things that made me happy and less sluggish at the beginning of this year. Trying to find my drive and motivation for this.

Motivation where art thou?

Victoria not so secret

Ha, I am considering asking a venue this summer if they need a showact for their event and going solo for the second time with burlesque, which remembering, left me wobbly the first time round. Climbing off the stage, my nerves left my legs in the state of pudding and that in both cases.

So I am going back to my 20 days victoria secret challenge, no sugar, no sugar and no sugar. No carbs, no processed food, no addiditives, no salt, 3 liters of water, basically only raw veggies and fruit, moderate meet consumption and fitness 5-6 days, which I had followed through before my arm injury and my inner crude laziness raised its ugly head. Adding posture training too, including feet training and using your mula bahnda. Oh, boy I really am wondering how that will work out. Including that mad regime plus my busy social schedule, my meetup and the 5 major tasks that I have been just pushing along which also need to be tackled I have my work cut out for me. So no more sitting on this derriere. Lets get to work!

Work! Let’s work!


Embracing the lighter side

Very rarely are things the way they seem

We all just see the husk presented to us. Rarely do we get a glimpse behind the mask that every single one of us is wearing. What goes on behind the closed doors is a secret. Then again there are other people that do not have the balls to tell you things to your face. It is all this ridiculous cat and mouse game, but what do we have to lose if we drop the mask? Why are we so scared of showing people the reality, not just this fabricated picture?

These last weeks have been all about people hiding. Hiding their story, their emotions and/or the truth. Trying to help people through their own trials that are so obviously present just below the surface.

What is the worst thing that can come from exposing yourself?

I do not understand why we care so much about what people think of us. As the ones that are dearest and nearest will nearly always forgive anything. Why do we worry or care so much about the others we could not care less about? We all have our rucksack which we even hide from our loved ones.


I was very often under the impression I was massively screwed up when it came to relationships. Having friends and family share their very private relationship issues with me, I have come to realise I am a walk in the parc. Not that I am gloating. I am just really glad that I can finally see things for what they are and not blame myself for the screwed up behaviour of others.

With certain people, their own demons slay them rather than the other way round. Them becoming trapped in their own unhappiness but not being able to find the way out. Worst is depending on how close I stand I can get dragged into it but I have learned to manoeuvre this river and see the riptides before they hit the boat. Learning and reflecting on my own behaviour, relationships of mine or others has taught me a lot about what I want and how to manoeuvre obstacles. Let’s face it there will never be a 100% solution or prevention but just being able to recognise that I am not the trainwreck I thought I was and being able to handle situations more adequately gives me hope for the future.

Let’s face it there will never be a 100% solution or prevention but just being able to recongnise that I am not the trainwreck I thought I was and being able to handle situations more adequatly gives me hope for the future.

So with a bounce in my step, open eyes and heart there I go……



The fabric stories are made from

Every good story needs a secret. What is mine you are surely asking?

The excess is mine. My way of coping with emotional distress or pain is basically going into overdrive. The discontent manifesting itself in all sorts of forms. Depending on my feeling and the shape I am in resistance is impossible. Maybe it is the borderline traits or the hedonist in me or even both?

Coping with the loss I took to shopping to fill the void, the time before that I tried to wash away the pain, In another epitome, I took to vanishing – thank god that problem was only minor in hindsight and snapped out of it rather fast. Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all too well.

Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all to well.

But who am I punishing with this? Actually only myself, but my brain has somehow become wired that way. It actually believes this is the best way to cope and I am not the only one that functions that way. Realising this I am always on the ball questioning my choices but does this behaviour not lead to other problems e.g. becoming paranoid about your own choices. I find it tiresome and unnerving. Where is the balance and where do I go?

Learning but what is right?

I try to take everything as a learning experience but does that mean I take everything too seriously? I am trying to de-wire myself from the constant question feed, as I do believe in learning but I see the benefit in not questioning everything after getting to know someone who actually outshines me in that region. It makes you grumpy, lonely, unhappy and paranoid. I am too young to be a grumpy person. As my friend so nicely put it at the weekend we have known each other for eight years and you still look just like you did when I first met you. So if I do not look old why behave old?

Like in all things in life you need to have a balance but that balance is the hardest thing to obtain. It is like love an ever evolving, flowing and transforming matter.

Choices vs Voices

I am happy with my new lifestyle choices even if they are not appreciated and openly welcomed by all. In life, you have to do what is right for you. When I say that I mean things that entail your choices but do not harm others. Annoyances will occur and be unavoidable, unfortunately.

Find your path and follow it…

And if the people love you they will be happy for you.

Bush fires everywhere

Right from the eye

Everywhere I turn at the moment there seem to be a shitstorm, 2 personal ones and 1 at work. It seems like the Neptune constellation is tiding up.

Why it all has exploded is slightly puzzling for me. I just know that actually all emanated from me or had my incentive behind it. It was not my purpose to wreck havoc. The first was my joke which was executed by another that led to one hell of an uproar, the second was a wrongdoing of someone else that then ended in false information perusing the internet, which I wanted to have rectified, ending in a lynch mob and last but not least getting no result from specialist on a project near to completion at work.

At the moment I have an even lower tolerance for stupidity than usual and I am contemplating a digital detox hike for myself to get away from all the mess, lazy people, absentees, provocateurs and stupidity. Taking the time for myself along a trail.

In life the focus should be on yourself and what works for you, as in reality a limited amount of people will and even those manage to disappoint.

Lemons and Lemonade

I am limiting my social connections to the people that give me a good feeling and make an effort. With the momentary situation, I do not feel the need to waste my time on people who 1. make me feel bad or 2. show no real value towards me.

Focusing on my sport, social projects, hobbies and other things. Doing basically what feels right for me.

I have not quite figured out where the lemonade is in this equation. Maybe God is trying to test my nerves and yes I am still angry with God or this entity, whichever way you want to see it. Not being angry at times like this is a virtue and you probably have the patience of a saint, which I surely do not possess.

Justice best-served ice cold

In the end, the person telling only half of the story regarding the shit storms got their just deserved. Exclusion from all events. I kind of believe they would have not admitted to their faults had it not been for the witnesses. I might be wrong, but the fact is most people do not like to admit to their mistakes, flaws or faults.

For me, nothing much changed. I just decided to go my own way and open my own social group where I can keep a closer eye on the participants.

Don’t you just love when a plan works out?


To my readers

Sorry for the absence but I needed to take a time out for myself to get my head around things. As all the stress the last few days has made me feel a little detached, down and frustrated. Dealing with an injured arm, a building site, operations, the grief, relationship issues, a friendship collapsing, building a new meet up group was a little much.

It never rains it always pours as my mother would say….

The grief I was trying to ignore, now it is starting to break out in bouts at the most inappropriate of times. I do not know if my ignoring it is not working or if this is part of the process in the sense of delayed onset? Anyhow, I am doing the only correct thing there is, accepting it and letting it out even if that means crying on the bus. Locking away my emotions is what led to my OCD.

As for the building site, actually it is finished but as anyone who has ever dealt with a building site knows, for the next few months there will be things creeping up the whole time. Frustrating about it was having to manage every little detail as the architect and the project planner had not thought the design trough consequently and had made any possible error one could have made.

Taking a timeout?

I had contemplated doing a hike to air my mind till one of my friends so kindly pointed out that my plan had a flaw. It would actually mean taking leave to do it. Firstly google will only give you the route in exact hours not taking in account sleeping or the fact that I presumably cannot and will not be walking more than 10 hours a day. With that being said a 250 km hike would mean I would be walking for approximately 9 days. So no hiking for me right now, which is sad as I had really fallen in love with that idea. Detox from people, phones and other rubbish.

I will find the time eventually to do this detox.

Social Glue

Alpha in the group

Yesterday I went to my usual Wednesday meetup of about 50 people. There I have my specific group of people which I talk to but I also try to mingle with new people and make new friends. Sitting in a group, as usual, I realised that as soon as I left the group it fell to pieces and went quiet, but upon return to the non-existent table the constellation reappeared; social glue or the alpha woman syndrome.

Have you ever noticed that people in groups always have a ringleader? An alpha that rules the conversation and leads it? You can spot them quite easily by looking at who everybody’s feet are pointing too. Usually, when that person leaves there is a vacuum within the group, everybody starts looking lost till someone else takes over or the lot disperses. I have found myself in this role a lot of times. I enjoy being the social glue the one giving the inputs for the conversations to flow, the levelling the playing field and the bringing together people of all different mindsets. Sometimes I bring the glue and sometimes it is the fire I bare.

Fire or glue what do you want?

Or the root of all evil

Talking about ringleader, when some event gets out of hand and because of suggestive jokes made by you, are you the root of all evil or are the people executing what you said as a joke the ones at fault?
There is a shitstorm brewing online because a girl I know slapped a guys butt at the last meet up. This super macho took to his social media to vent on this, which to be quite frank is a joke. The situation honestly got mainly out of hand because he got angry, did not say no and then only got more out of hand because both of them do not know when to stop. However, I find his tirade questionable as this self-proclaimed strong man takes to the web to let out his anger instead of making up there and then just by saying no. Why do men have problems accepting no? Let’s not mention using the word no to tell somebody when enough is enough!

Complaining later online because your ego is damaged and you have pondered on this for a week is sad. Why have people forgotten how to solve problems face to face like adults rather than venting on social media?

What is up with this I am a victim lullaby for minor failings of another? Crying out me too is becoming excessive from both sides and I am happy when both finally come to their senses. I still believe the exorbitant use of it leads to the degradation of the real victims like in the story of the boy that cried wolf one too many times.

Crying wolf too many times harms the real victims!