Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.



Help, I need somebody – Help, not just anybody

What is going on?

In the wake of things, it has become painstakingly obvious that self-sabotage is my biggest flaw. What do you do when you realise you are your own worst enemy?

Our mind is a powerful tool, which when used the wrong way can lead to all sorts of ills. For instance, we start imagining things and believing they are real when they actually only stem from your own imagination. Illusion as the foundation for all evil. If you do not have the facts and you let your mind run riot…

Our mind is a powerful tool….

You know you have lost your mind, when…

I went a bit crazy last week and start imaging things to my dismay, dragging people into the vortex of my crazy mind. I ended up winding myself up more and more till I actually reached the point of break down. Not as bad as in the past years during my depression but bad enough to feel like I had harmed myself.
I was really saddened by the realisation that it had mainly stemmed from my own imagination. The enemy was me.
This not being the first time I had encountered this situation and I am really bent on getting this fixed as I for sure do not want to deal with this again and again or it to become a chronic coping mechanism.

Fear is the worst leader to follow. It will either inhibit you or worse drive you and in the worst case, it will devour you. I am sure you are all aware of the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy where what you focus on you attract. Meaning if you dread something and focus on it you will ironically attract exactly that.

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.

And so the behaviour manifests itself.

Well, meet the master. It is now obvious to me I have a problem and it will go on to my list of things to tackle in therapy. I never used to have this or at least not to this extent and I was blissfully unaware.

Solving your problems

There are many ways to tackle problems but all of them have certain things in common:

  1. To know you have a problem you need to realise you have one
  2. You need to be willing to do something about it
  3. Either you know the solution and if not do not be scared to ask for help
  4. Work on it, train the brain, perfect it, work on yourself

I am at stage three. I have half of the solution so I will go looking for the other half.

However, you should never be ashamed to ask for help or for acknowledging your flaws as it is not a weakness but a strength. Being true to yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are with all your facets is the most powerful thing.

You are you and all you do, all you want to change should be for you. The change you make for yourself is your biggest gift you can give yourself, as you do it for only you.



Magnified Emotions

Dealing with commitment phobia, distance and everything else

For me, many things feel odd and in my eyes seem to be not going my way right now. I do not know if that is a result of me or many factors. On the one hand, I am dealing with my pain and at the same time battling a distance issue and commitment phobia of someone else, which on a normal day is frustrating but given my emotional state is just hurtful. I hate feeling like this, as if it is a one-sided thing, just being handed bread crumbs and me being the driving force behind it.
I do not know if this is just a magnified sensation that I harbour due to my raw soul or if this is reality. But then what do you define as reality?
It is for me my reality, always. Or how do you define your feelings?
What I mean with that is; it would still be my reality, even if I saw it differently. As Buddhism says nothing is real it is all just mere imagination. So depending on how you feel, your emotions will influence your perception.

Nonetheless, it still does not change the fact I wished to be treated differently. I for myself am trying to figure out how I want to deal with this situation as I have been quite clear with my wishes, which are not unreasonable. I call that hearing but not listening! Listening would imply it has sunk in and hopefully I would see a change. So is it “selective hearing”, so not really listening or blunt disinterest? Who knows. Time will tell.

Being there when someone needs you the most can make the world of difference to them.

With the shift in constellations what is to come?

Uranus transitioning into Taurus pushes our limits and forces us to evolve. I want to harness the Uranian energy to write an exciting new chapter of in my life for the better.

I somehow wish for a major change and maybe a little destruction. I guess that is my masked grief still speaking. I want to move on from all the pain from the last years and hope that this change will bring something good. Moving on, evolving and pushing boundaries is one of the hardest things. It involves facing your fear head on and going beyond comfort. Fear and pain inhibit us to the extent you become motionless and stationary if you let it take over. At the moment my biggest fear is facing my emotion of pain. I feel it impairing me in other aspects of my life. I have become sensitive again and easily riled but facing it is something I am avoiding. As I have been told that is not a healthy way of dealing with grief but what do you do if that behaviour is so ingrained? I am actively trying to face my grief, giving it a time frame somewhere within the day to mourn my loss, avoiding to protract my grief again like I did the last three times.
Moving past old habits and behaviour is equally challenging, staying the way you are and handling things the way you always have is easy, effortless and comfortable. So actually at the moment, I am challenged with myself and others with me and my mood.

At the moment I am challenged with myself and others with me.

The verdict of this all

I feel a bit like a mad person rambling to themselves. Maybe I am. I do not know. I feel very much lost and confused. All seems very empty, challenging and little much at this time and I sincerely long for an escape.



How far did I come?

Where it all spiraled out of control

I went back to the roots of where my OCD spiraled out of control. It was this neighborhood ridden with crime, brothels, junkies. Three quarters have fell to gentrification and have been cleaned up but the core still remains. I ventured there as it was the location for the indiefilm I partook in.

The bar was a seedy, vile smelling old and gloomy establishment that had seen better days but supposedly was the suitable place for this coming of age story. It has sleaze stamped all over it. Not just because of the dirty and worn interior but the clientel was as much sleezy and had seen better days just like this establishment.
I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through. At first I was even reluctant to drink out of the glasses the thought of herpes sending chills down my spine but as time progressed I arranged myself. If you are invited it is very impolite to say no, so I joined in with the others. I had the most wonderful encounters with the millions of chewing gums that the working girls had stuck under the bar which made me want to wash my hands everytime I touched them by error, which was often and impossible during scenes. So that subsquently meant sitting it out.

I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through.

It’s a wrap

No chance to hop into the shower and more confrontation therapy ahead I headed over to my dance studio. I have to admit I did choose a locker I would usual never choose to avoid contaminating myself in future. The same went for the yoga mat. After dance class I then wore my workout clothes rather then set clothes to a meetup I was joining. Also to avoid further contaminating a place which I frequent. At home I continued this meticulus behaviour avoiding contaminating the house. Taking everything off and placing it into my dance bag with the set clothes, after cleaning and washing every single item of my handbag as well as the handbag and shoes I hopped into the shower and took a long hot shower with disenfectant soap.

I know I could have done better and used this moment as chance to reinforce the new OCD free me but out of fear I chose not to. I felt like I was going a number of steps back in doing so and the feeling stuck a little. Even though I must admit a few years ago I would have never imagined even doing this project or going there. If somebody would have suggested it, I would have laugh at them. So I have come a long way and am currently at 95% before my OCD me, which frankly about 2 years ago during my depression I would haven never believed would be possible.

I am getting there one step at a time and setbacks are allowed. I can draw strength from the knowlege I am moving on and knowledge from the setbacks as I can analyse where I am still struggling pushing further past future boundaries.

Batteling oneself


Many of my friends and family know I have an assured technique of shooting myself in the foot. We all have patterns we learnt during life, some are given to us by our parents, some collected via experience and some are self-taught. I manage to manoeuvre myself into corners and places I did not want to be in. I had hoped for a simpler solution to erasing my patterns in relationships besides the ones implemented for my OCD. Seems funny saying that as I am seeing a cognitive behavioural psychologist. So why was I expecting a different solution? As there would surely be different methods like psychoanalysis to iron out the kinks in the fabric of my soul but then I would need a different psychologist. For those of you that did not know, psychologist is not psychologist. The range is big, as there is systemic psychology, behavioural psychology, psychoanalysis, to name a few. I will not go into to detail and start explaining the different lines of psychology and their backgrounds at least not in this post.

We all have patterns we learnt during life, some are give to us by our parents, some collected via experience and some are self taught.

Hope dies last

I tend to think far too far. I probably hoped for an easier solution as cognitive behavioural therapy seems to be easier to eradicate behaviour and not thoughts. It is basically nothing more than looking your fear in the eye. Confronting it,  staying in and embracing those feelings flooding in and know the curve of fear will eventually subside as nothing lasts forever. The only constant in life changes. Once you have accepted that concept there shall be no fear.

The real challenge will be how to reprogramme your thoughts. I mean it is not like a behaviour that you can train yourself to not physically execute. I get the part in facing your fear and/or feelings to releave the anxiety as the curve only last 3o minutes. Fear can not go on forever. It goes up, there is a plateau and then it sinks. With the onset of anxiety our normal behaviour mode would be flight, fight or play dead as defense left from animalistic nature. Which can be very helpful in alarming situations. Unfortunately in certain people (like me) the wiring can go wrong. I get all of that but I am still not quite sure how this concept of embracing the fear will work in rewiring my brain?

The only constant in life is change. Once you have accepted that concept there shall be no fear.