Two weeks later and no urge to post

Lazy and a little unstructured

Since reducing my pace and focusing on the fast shifts in my life, as well as a being co-dependent on other people’s mood I have not really had the urge to post. I have been trying to tame myself, keep my fears at bay and the voices in my head to a minimum (the ones that eat away at your self-esteem). Constantly shifting from apathy to overdrive and back. At the moment I am devoided of cheerful emotions and in a more sombre mood. Focusing on my needs trying to avoid being too enthralled into others barren moods, dramas or anything of ill-ventured nature. I am kind and an actually of a happy demeanour and I would like to stay that way.

Task I want to follow for this month:

  • Move forward decluttering and sorting out (still trying to battle my shopping overhaul from my depression)
  • Tying up loose ends especially things a keep forgetting
  • More time for meditation and mindfulness (meditating, sauna and yoga)
  • Axing negative people, thoughts and anything harmful
  • Continue working out for my mind, body and soul (that has been my go-to remedy)
  • Slowing down and enjoying the finer things in life (quality or quantity)

 

I have also thought of starting a bullet journal. So to speak a to-do list in a book which should help you overcome issues, be more structured, add drive and at the same time help with mindfulness and self-esteem. The good thing is you can use it the way you want. There is a supposed way to do it, but who cares? You are doing it for you!

Creativity Ahoi!

Be your own captain…

Evolving, growing and structuring

If I am not giving it  100% and I mean in all aspects of my life I always feel a bit like I am being lazy or having a cheat day. I wish I had less of a drive or ambition sometimes as I believe I tend to burden myself with high expectations including people in my surroundings. I put pressure on myself where it is not needed and at the same time paralyse myself in the process.

Things to work on:

  • Less pressure
  • More lagom (Swedish for in balance, just enough) (My approach is more like always 150%)
  • Room for relaxation as much as for work/drive
  • More positivity and positive people
  • Kindness and happiness

The pyramid of personality traits is another tool that I will implement to achieve my goal of evolving and growing into a better person. It is basically the food pyramid just replacing food with important personality traits, as a reminder for in the bullet journal.

I live for the moment.

I live in the moment.

And everyday is a new day to do things better.

It is a fresh start.

 

 

 

 

Shame on myself

The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm

I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.

Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.

Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.

I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.

No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.

Sorry

If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.

I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.

I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?

I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.

Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.

 

 

Your Hobnail Boots

Think before you speak

How a mood can change in a blink of an eye just by saying something offensive. People are rarely aware of what they say and the way you phrase things can lead to a quite different outcome of a situation. It can cause an affront if a word or sentence is chosen without a second thought. That is, even more, the case when dealing with people that are not native to your language. Wright or wrong it still hurts.

I wish people would put more thought into their choices when communicating. In these fast-paced times with loads of communication pipelines, people have become lenient with their wording and unreflected when saying something. I do not always say kind things but even then they are never unreflected, which might seem to some cruel or harsh. Every word is orchestrated.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my surroundings to be slightly more refined with their communication, as you can often tell if someone is offbeat. Instead of receiving kind words and a shoulder to lean on when I am feeling down I have just received negative comments about my achievements. It hurts and everything is more amplified when you are down. I know the intention behind it was to push me to excel but it is a misguided version of it. The worst about it is I am guilty of the exact same crime. However, whenever I come across something that is done to me that I do not like and I realise I have done similar I will apologise. I enjoy reflecting on my behaviour to improve as that is the only way forward. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my sourroundings to be slightly more refined.

Settling myself

I am giving this whole discussion that is making me feel uneasy and unhappy a break. Giving things a breather helps me focus my attention, as well as calming my upset nerves. I know that avoiding things it not the way forward that is why I state it is a breather. Despite not feeling like going out and hosting my own meetup I will be joining my friends for drinks. Sometimes dragging yourself out even if you do not feel like it can help to change your mood and give you another mindset. Then I can tackle this discussion hopefully from a kinder and less personal angle. I do not want to be surrounded by negative people with a negative mindset. That will only lead to me withdrawing. I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

 

The Rollercoaster that life is

Where will you take yourself?

Life is like a rollercoaster or like the tide, a constant fluctuation of emotions. We eternally are seeking happiness within ourselves or others. Striving for that constant, that is an idealistic perception of humankind. Never the less there is a tone that sets the mood, sometimes for the better or the worse.

Which will it be?

I do believe we can choose our mindset and our choice influences our surroundings, our future and our soul. So choose wisely.

As these days are growing darker and colder, the nights becoming a drag, I choose happiness, laughter, warm fires, friends and hot chocolate. I could see it as a depressing time of year, with a lot of grey, cold with darkness, but I choose to focus on the little things that make me happy. Like the odd days when the sun is out and ever so golden on the horizon, the snow that makes for fun times with friends, the darkness and cold that makes for cosy evenings on the sofa with hot chocolate, the time to enjoy card or board games and puzzles, the time to enjoy that good read in a hot bath, the time with family to eat fondue. The little things like that. Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Life is a daisy chain of precious moments.

Nothing lasts forever if you can accept the fact that life and happiness are fleeting it will enable you to be a happier and more content as a person, as you will learn to enjoy each moment with the intensity it deserves. Seeing pleasure and reaping satisfaction in those fleeting moments that make for a great life. Without the pain, we would not be able to appreciate the good.  So embrace your emotions, let the bad out and savour the good.

Enjoy the autumn guys!

 

The secret perscription

Route into the unknown

I should have called this blog journey.
Journey through my soul and through life seeking answers and inspiration.
I actually started this blog to help others but somehow it has become my biggest catharsis. A place for a forever roaming mind, to rest my weary head.
I have grown so much by penning down my thoughts and analysing what I want. Having an outlet for things plaguing me. This space frees my mind of my bothers and gives me the tools to let go instead of obsessing over my problems, fear and hopes. I gain clarity by giving my thoughts a limited amount of time but in a structured, efficient manner. That enables me to set my mind free and break out of the inner shackles holding me back. I can finally feel free and let go.

You never know what is a blessing in disguise

What the heart wants

Feeling the rush
A surge of sentiments
A glimpse of hope like a silver lining on the horizon
An overdose of emotions
Then vacant and spent
Blank canvas no noise
Staring into the dark distortion
Then a spark
Ignition
Enlightenment and wonder
Swirling mind at hopes defined
Travelling through time on a high
Containing all emotions in my hearts jar as I follow the calling

 

 

Sharing is caring

And sometimes the best things are to come of this

In the last 24 hours, I entrusted the most inner secrets inexplicably, things I actually would have either never disclosed or most certainly not at this point.
What came of it you wonder?
The first feeling was regretting to do so but as the conversation progressed I realised it opened doors unimaginable to me. It catapulted me into another part of this friendship/relationship. The vulnerability on both sides leading to a close fast bond that I had not experience previously. We knew and shared things with each other that were never mentioned before. Broken away was that seal of fear. Letting everything show all the scars, the battle wounds, the disappointments, the expectations, the hopes, the wishes and dreams. All leaving us raw – but together. That rawness being the fundament on which we could build. That cold hard concrete slab with all its skeletons being the thing we ignore after addressing it but stand on, firm, hard, sturdy and in the past, making us what we are today and it is the inevitable past that would carry the pillar of trust for the future.

If you do not take a leap of faith how will you ever know?

Bring out the best in me

In an ideal world we should bring out the best in each other. I felt that sharing all this was like a gunshot before the race, a mark of a beginning, hopeful and eager stepping on to the track. Position uncertain but with a really good feeling about the final line. Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwine with ours.

Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwined with ours.

Closeness only comes to whom may try. If you want to lead a fulfilled life and relationship it takes courage. It takes overcoming pain and the fear of getting hurt, accepting the past and learning from it going forth, forgiving yourself for things handled ill and loving yourself for who you are. Accepting the other the way they are, listening and seeing the person for who they truly are. Accepting their past and helping them evolve and grow from there. Growing together rather than apart.

Thank you for that candid talk ❤︎