Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.

 

 

Sharing is caring

And sometimes the best things are to come of this

In the last 24 hours, I entrusted the most inner secrets inexplicably, things I actually would have either never disclosed or most certainly not at this point.
What came of it you wonder?
The first feeling was regretting to do so but as the conversation progressed I realised it opened doors unimaginable to me. It catapulted me into another part of this friendship/relationship. The vulnerability on both sides leading to a close fast bond that I had not experience previously. We knew and shared things with each other that were never mentioned before. Broken away was that seal of fear. Letting everything show all the scars, the battle wounds, the disappointments, the expectations, the hopes, the wishes and dreams. All leaving us raw – but together. That rawness being the fundament on which we could build. That cold hard concrete slab with all its skeletons being the thing we ignore after addressing it but stand on, firm, hard, sturdy and in the past, making us what we are today and it is the inevitable past that would carry the pillar of trust for the future.

If you do not take a leap of faith how will you ever know?

Bring out the best in me

In an ideal world we should bring out the best in each other. I felt that sharing all this was like a gunshot before the race, a mark of a beginning, hopeful and eager stepping on to the track. Position uncertain but with a really good feeling about the final line. Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwine with ours.

Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwined with ours.

Closeness only comes to whom may try. If you want to lead a fulfilled life and relationship it takes courage. It takes overcoming pain and the fear of getting hurt, accepting the past and learning from it going forth, forgiving yourself for things handled ill and loving yourself for who you are. Accepting the other the way they are, listening and seeing the person for who they truly are. Accepting their past and helping them evolve and grow from there. Growing together rather than apart.

Thank you for that candid talk ❤︎

 

Take far away and make it close

Words of wisdom

For some it is an active choice while others just stumble into it – long distance relationships. No matter which angle you are coming from it does not make it any easier. I have been searching for the formula to make a partnership like that work but also rewarding. The most important thing to bear in mind is that it is and will take a lot of work to make it work. However, it is a learning experience worthwhile and an enlightenment in terms of the relationship itself. Having a distance can really set into perspective how much you mean to each other and show you how important you are to your partner.

I want to be a choice not an option

That quote sticks in my mind when it comes to this topic. The distance is a make it or break it thing. Most men will not put up with it or lose sight of the goal. If not you really have a keeper who fancies you to the moon and back.

Keeping the eye on the ball

No, I have not been watching too much world cup nor does this paragraph have anything to do with football. It is a simple summary of solutions/ideas/inspirations, name it what you want, to help with overcoming the distance, staying close and bonding with your beloved one.

  • Create a date night
    With that I mean take a few hours at least once a week where you share time together as a couple doing the same thing but via phone or facetime. It might sound really silly but share a beer at the pub together via telephone or watching a film together via facetime. That can have a real impact and be the little but important difference.
  • Saying Good Morning and Good Night
    It does not even have to be a call. Just a little text to let the other know how important they are and that you are thinking about them can go a long way.
  • Texting about little things during the day
    Same here, it lets your opposite know you are interested, want to share things with them and that you cherish them being a part of your life. It is synonymous with the important moments you want to tell the most valuable people in your life about first.
  • Handwritten notes and letters
    I know that most people do not favour those things nowadays but I believe it just makes it that much more valuable when you do. Send him or her a letter. I personally love hiding notes whenever I see him again anywhere from jacket pockets to the fridge, nowhere is out of bounds. It makes his day every time and even makes him chuckle when it is in a ridiculous place like the fridge.
  • Communicate
    Communication is paramount when you live apart as that is the only form of intimacy possible across the distance so you should exploit this as much as you can. Talk about things that move or bother you freely. Holding back tends to build a wall, open communication makes the relationships stronger.
  • Surprise turn up
    I would not try this one unless you have conspired with a friend or family member of your other half. So that they can prevent him or her from making any real plans otherwise this one might just backfire and you are left sitting by yourself.
  • I smell you
    We all have things we love about our partner, like his or her smell, so giving them a worn t-shirt or hair scrunchy that smells of you is a little but very effective memory trigger, as most of our subconscious or memory is very easily accessed via smell or music.
  • Mixtape
    This is considered old school too, but like I mentioned above, it is an effective method to trigger the memories of good times past.
  • Little surprise aka care packet
    It is just a box that can be sent or handed over with little goodies that show you care, as they are things your other half enjoys or things from your neck of the woods that make him or her recall you.
  • Remembering things
    Remembering things they told you about things going on in their life or what they like or do not, all those things are important in an everyday partnership but even more so when apart. So if you have to take notes, then do.  She or  He will cherish you for remembering her love of daisies or that he drinks his coffee with 2 lumps of sugar.
  • Sexting, phone sex, etc.
    I do not find it a bad idea at all. I am just very careful perse about these things, as the last thing I want is, to turn up on an illicit page with my bits showing. It can keep things hot and steamy so I suggest go for it with caution, know your boundaries and do not let anyone talk you into anything you do not feel comfortable with.

These are some of the things I have deemed very helpful. I will come back and update the list from time to time when I remember things or have new findings. I hope that these suggestions will provide help to those who are in need of it. If you have any suggestions of your own, please do not hesitate to add them into the comment section, as I am always willing to learn.

Remember the most important thing is to stay connected

 

 

Commitment phobia

Toying with yourself

Sometimes commitment phobia needs though love. I mean after all, where do you draw the line? I might have become harder with age when it comes to accepting bs from people. I mean in the end, there is only a fine balance between giving someone a second chance and them taking you for a mug. Where do you draw the line?

With all that is going on, I really don’t want to be bothered dealing with other people’s attitudes or their insecurities.

At my meet up the past turned up by asking to participate, being the friendly unspiteful person I am, I let him participate. Not forseeing the rest that followed…

I was torn between wanting the attention and ignoring him as I did not want to give him a gratification for bad behaviour, which he in the end just embodied without much effort.

Sometimes commitment phobia needs though love

What does it look like?

People who have relationship anxiety have a problem committing or staying in a relationship for a longer period of time. Their feelings of love are experienced as more intense and scary than that of the general population. They feel increased anxiety, which builds upon itself and snowballs as the relationship progresses — and the expectation of a commitment looms larger. They actually do want a long-term connection but their fear is larger and more overwhelming than their wish. They have a pattern of self-sabotage. They may be aware of it consciously but do not know how to slay their dragon or they may be in denial. The worst part is that they do not just put themselves under pressure and stress themselves out, they drag the unknowing love interested into to their emotional turmoil too.

Firstly there is the issue as bystander, what do you do? There are two options – learn to live with it or tell the person to hit the road. Secondly as the inflictor of drama you may ask yourself where the problem stems from, but in the long run if you do not want to be alone, you will have to sort out your own mindset and/or get yourself help. Figuring out what you want will surely help a little but mostly the fear stems from the thought that this is fixed and a sealed deal till eternity or it is the fear of missing out on something better, or even just the partners imperfections. The eternal thought and missing out fear can be counter balanced by reminding yourself that anything in life is rarely for eternity and you always have the option to change your mind. Those thoughts can really help elevate the pressure you put on yourself. When it comes to the fear of choosing someone that is imperfect, well have looked in the mirror, nobody is perfect, learn to love your partners quirks that is what makes them uniquely them!

  1. Remeber nothing is forever
  2. You can change your mind
  3. Learn to love your partners flaws
  4. Grow, bond, get to know each other as friends

The fourth point is the hardest, as this is the epitome of fear infliction. It is a cat and mouse game of getting closer and then out of panic retreating. Realising there is this cycle is the first step to breaking free, followed by actively embracing your fear and accepting it without retreating. Facing it full front will soften the blow everytime a little more until it the dread will be defeated.

Within accepting the phobia lies the power of solace, as it your soul will find freedom in the exposure.