Shame on myself

The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm

I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.

Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.

Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.

I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.

No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.

Sorry

If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.

I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.

I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?

I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.

Getting what I want

Asking vs Demanding

What gets you further in life?
I have come to the conclusion even asking nicely will rarely get you the chosen result. So I demand what I want in a kind, polite but firm manner. It actually gets me mostly what I want. Unfortunately, I would be lying if I said that was the magic solution. Some people even seem resistant to that. Especially men need to be told in a direct manner what you want them to do, what you expect of them or else they go astray. Sorry guys this is not meant offensive, you just function and communicate differently to us. Less chance of misinterpretation for them. As a result, we women need to learn to grow a spine and work on our communication. Most problems in life stem from one person not having the courage to ask for something (mostly the female) and or the other misunderstanding but not trying to clarify when confused with what is at hand (male). Though this problem is not solely confined to this gender combination.

Work

That is what communication should be – work. Choose your words wisely and think about what kind of message you want to convey and to whom. Training is of the essence so try to apply this to any part of your life. The more elaborate you master this task the more proficient you will seem not just in private settings but also when networking or doing business. So mastering the art of speech is paramount for all areas of life.

Confidence

Anything you do, do it with confidence.
The best speech will lack in impact if the speaker has no poise. The way you carry your words is equally as important. It is after all the way you convey the message.

Prepared

If you can prepare for a conversation then the golden rule is, always come prepared. It is very important as you will lead the conversation rather than follow, which means just by that small change you will automatically become more confident.

Mastering this or training

I have not quite got into the realm of communication. I think carefully about everything I say despite certain people having an opposite opinion on that, mostly as they might have received a blow. I apply the blows like art, that is one point I have mastered. When it comes to debating my friends claim I never miss a beat and always come prepared. So the current training field for me is demanding what I want and not being scared to be stern regarding this. This also helps impose my standards while simultaneously building my poise and getting rid off ill-intent male dating candidates.

 

 

 

The princess on the pea or finding the needle in the haystack

What happened to the princes? Why are there only frogs?

Okay, so we all do not want to spend our life alone at least most. So why is it so hard to find someone? Even online where you have an abundance of choice it is still hard to find the fitting suitor. I do not believe that my requirements for my partner are unreasonable but I also do not want to settle for less. I know I will have to make a few compromises but I am not willing to compromise on everything. I believe a lot of people share my sentiment. So why has it become so hard and why is there seemingly less choice? Have we become less flexible or have our standards gone up?
I am sure as so many things in life the more available, accessible and advanced things become the more our requirements go up, e.g. like having a fridge or not in the 1950’s.

Where do I go from there in this catch 22 situation?

I mean I would like a reliable, loyal partner with ambition, humour and the same outlook and goals in life. Someone I can share my day with, surprise, have a laugh with, spoil and enjoy the finer things in life with. Ideal would be if he were educated, handsome and had a nest egg, but those are not the be all and end all of this.

So why did I get dealt so crappy hands?

I know my friends say you picked them. I am not quite sure that comment is fair. Seeing choosing a weirdo can always happen to anyone and the older you get the more faulty produce is left on the shop shelf, that is my saying.

Once upon a time and a whole lot of WTF

I will let you into some weird anecdotes of my dating experience of the last few years and yes there is a vast amount of weirdos.

  • We had plans to go for brunch (his idea, his choice of venue, really expensive restaurant), he came with a bag which I commented on (supposedly for fitness, more like weapon of excuse). Then he mentioned he had already eaten at home even before I sat down and did not want to order. The waitress was not impressed as they are only open for brunch, not drinks. I decided to have brunch. He listened to me, never told me really anything about himself. I wanted to finish by getting a fruit bowl, he said he needed to go to fitness. So my reaction was let me eat this then we can go. His answer no I really have to go to fitness and fled. Then it turned out he did not even pay for his drinks. Thank god the waitress was understanding and did not charge me. By the way, met this guy on an elite dating app and not tinder.

 

  • Another chap was even more disrespectful. He went on a drinks date, decided to invite his friend along after spending the hour before bragging about how well hung he is as he is Mexican. We went out as he and his friend smoke. Outside he was eyeing up another girl. The second time he went for a smoke I decided to stay indoors. He dragged the girl in and in all honesty tried to sell this drunken chick as an old acquaintance. However, they had not yet made the connaissance of my savvy self and slammed him in the floor by saying I know all and your bird will be going home with her male BFF as they have already been together that is why he is hanging on to her and drooling all over her. Congratulation you have just won the 1st prize for the shittiest date and I am off clubbing without you. Good luck on getting laid tonight.

 

  • This one is similar to the first and actually originated from the same app. Is it only me that sees a pattern? He showed up for the second date. All well and good we went for drinks and then when it came to paying he wanted to but his card got declined. He works as a financial lawyer. He only has one card? Mhhh I was annoyed but paid. The next day we met for lunch. Shortly after ordering he disappeared to the ATM, to only come back and beg me to pay. Are all these supposed hotshots pathological liars or con artists?

I am sure there are a few more that I cannot think of at the moment. Let me know what your experiences are and if you have a super partner how you found them. I am really curious.

In the mean time I will be analysing and thinking of ways how to find mr. right for me.

 

 

Painting a clearer picture

Really penning it down

For my own sake I need to be clearer. I have realised my defined standards are very vague leaving too much room for interpretation even on my side. As I am traipsing around quite uncertain if I am maintaining them or not? So how do I go about figuring out what I want and what I really want my standards to be? It is easy to say maintain your standards but how if you are quite uncertain yourself regarding what they exactly are?

I for one would like the following things:

  • Presence, someone who wants to spend time with me and enjoys my company
  • Manners, opens the door for me, lets me walk-in first, pulls the chair out for me
  • Spoils me, treats me to little things, takes notes of my wishes, does me little favours
  • Kind and Caring, listens to me, helps me, nurtures me
  • Communication, talks to me, shares their worries and daily little things
  • Hard working, is willing to work on the relationship as much as me
  • Honesty, fears not to talk about anything and everything with me, shares information with me
  • Loyalty, we have each others backs and do not stab each other in the back
  • Respect, accepts and sticks to my needs, boundaries, desplay that in his behaviour
  • Reliabilty, I can count on him to stick to his words and when I need him he will be there

Obviously all that I am requesting will apply to me offering in return.

 

Rules to live by

As a lady I am begging and groveling why?
That is a habit that has been pointed out to me. Supposedly I give men too many chances. I have come to realise the worst point is, I put myself down by negotiating when bad behaviour is presented towards me. A lady would never accept bad behaviour would she?

In the future the iron lady will rule. Have you ever realised that when we do not like someone or are only remotely interested in them it is very easy to apply standards, as you do not care for rejection. However, when we are smitten with a person we start lowering our standards, negotiating and sometimes even accepting bad behaviour. Why?
Out of self-worth and respect we should not falter.

Clarifying the standards:

  • 2 Strikes and you are out rule, fool me once shame one you, fool me twice shame on myself
  • Treating all the same, no matter how interested or not I am they will all get the same treatment for the same conduct
  • Rewarding good behaviour, compromises on thing I am not too excited about will be granted for good performance
  • Punishment, freez-out, igronace for bad behaviour, will be a dish served cold to the non-compliant
  • Never budge or Negotiate, standards are standards
  • Carry myself like a lady, always maintain poise and mystery

I hope that these points and me taking the time to really sit down and think about what I want will have a positive effect and reaffirm my own conduct and the way I carry myself.

Rome was not built in a day!

 

 

Weeding through rubbish

How many more?

I had a very insightful and productive conversation with my neighbour regarding online dating. Her impression was either side of the fence gay or not it is hard and no matter what gender you date, we all struggle with the same. Her point of view was also that I would have to go on dates with maybe 10 shitty guys, to then go on dates with another 10 that are okay, to then find 5 that I might be interested in. That is true however I do believe reality is harsher.

My analogy to dating:

You have a bowl of popcorn. That is the total global male population.
Half of that bowl of popcorn can get axed as they are too old or young. Then you can kill a quarter as they are taken, then you can half and that quarter and kill the 8th as they are gay, from the leftover 8th you can exclude the 12th as they are incompatible for reasons like education or do not speak the same language etc., the 1/24 do not want or have the same outlook, the 48th are commitophobics, and the last 96th are guys that are not my type. So in the best case scenario of a global male population of 3.08 billion, I just have to sieve trough roughly 39’583’333 Million men all over the globe. Mhh seems doable. Sarcastic cough. Plus that is not encompassing the more precise breakdown of it which at the end leaves me with a crumb of a popcorn due to wishes and values that should match up.

My whole analogy is realistic but got labelled harsh. Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away. Everything has become the chase for the next best thing, always trying to see if there might be something better that could tweak my interest.

Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away.

Without the meandering possibility, the past presented itself simpler. I believe there was not the vast amount of possibilities so people did not think of looking for something better. In the two pools of very small communities I know in which people share the same wishes, hopes and values people seem vastly less picky and seem to settle easier. They seem happier and stick together.

Also, gender shifts, attitudes, fights and all that goes with equality, lead to more pressure and strain on relationships. It becomes harder to find someone who has the same wishes and expectations. Not to mention globalisation where people of all sort of socio-ecological background are now mingling whilst mangling the dating scene. Adding to the intricacy. We are all becoming more complex leading to our disintegration.

I love diversity but too much choice inhibits…

 

Getting back on the horse

Online Dating and First Impressions

Online Dating can be super brutal and even worse when you have a low self-esteem or are within the narcissistic spectrum.

I had heard so much bad about online dating lately, especially in terms of Plenty of Fish and Tinder.  Having tried another online dating website that was a horrible experience, I was very reluctant to try another one with the prospect of it turning out the same. After the facebook ad kept popping up in my feed and it seemed nice I decided to join. The inner circle is like a small world, Instagram, elite singles and tinder all rolled into one.

The first impressions of all the guys on that page were wow. Handsome, ambitious, educated and super successful. My first thought was am I enough. I always feel like I am not slim enough, attractive enough or successful enough despite being told otherwise. I do believe it has to do with my experience with men. I tend to get looked at as a piece of meat, a fling, a nice past time, a nice face but nothing serious at least not with the ones I am interested in. That it is like an old wound that does not want to heal and keeps gaping open.

My first thought was am I enough. I always feel like I am not slim enough, attractive enough or successful enough despite being told otherwise.

So there I went against all odds and my inner voice. I added my Facebook data as the app only works with that. I dragged in my old pics, I added some new ones and started typing. At first, my profile was common I am like this and you should be like that blabla. It did not stand out or seem special in any way, shape or form. The first 24 hours were tough, I felt unworthy to be on this dating platform. I was close to giving up and wondered if anyone would ever write.

Change your mindset, stand out and be uniquely you

After the first day, I decided to change things. I had remembered what my mentor had said, “hey you are smart how come do you not know how to market yourself?” I am a typical girl, which means we are not brought up to boast or market ourselves but rather to stay discreetly in the background. If I wanted to attract sensible guys I would have to change that. I would have to stand out make my personality shine and become a little more brazen.

So I researched the internet on tips carried them all together and made kind of a mashup off all the tips. That resulting in the best profile I had ever made of myself. My male friends thought it really capture my personality and said it stood out from an average dating profile.

I will share my tricks with you for a successful dating profile:

  • Have about 5-6 pictures, one headshot for the main, one full body no bikini shots that gives off the wrong impression, the other few showing your favourite hobbies. Yes first impressions count unfortunately here it are Never use photos with sunglasses if you can help it your eyes say so much about you and avoid posting only pictures with friends as how else will they know which one you are? Please no selfies, especially mirror ones or toilet ones and at all times no peace signs, duckfaces or anything like that or have you ever heard anyone call those pictures classy?

 

  • The main picture preferably being a black and white headshot candidly taken, not looking into the camera but smiling with your teeth showing and wearing your hair up. For a man please take a black and white too, looking straight into the camera and smiling without showing your teeth. Most people use colour so black and white really stands out. Headshot should be just you and please no selfies. The other suggestions are based on statistical ascertainment on what the genders deem enticing.

 

  • Never and I repeat never use to old pics. Half a year is acceptable everything else is cheating and will leave your opposite feeling cheated.

 

  • Use the simple but logical formula, who I am, You, a relationship or alternatively what you are looking for.

 

  • Write a zingy text. It does not have to be long but it should show your personality. Keep it short and simple and think about what makes you uniquely you. Feel free to be quirky or make jokes.

 

  • No false modesty. Shine your own light. Be your biggest cheerleader because if you do not find yourself cool why would anyone else? Let’s face it we all attracted to confident people. If you feel like putting a flaw in or otherwise you will feel like hypocrites. You can do that but apply the same rule as in a job interview make it look like a positive. Something along the lines of “I am like Eva Longoria super steamy hot, fiery hot tamales, so much so I can burn a fried egg in a second to a charcoal heap” ;).

 

  • Avoid negative wording. Do not say things like I hope to find the perfect man. That already sounds resigned with hoping. Say something along the lines of my ideal man is……

 

  • Do not look hot and heavy, desperate or all in one. Tone it down. Keep it breezy still stating your expectation but without applying pressure. I want to find someone to settle down with and have a family but if I put that anywhere into my profile any man even the nice ones will feel pressured and run a mile.

 

  • Sex sells but mind the pitfalls and the slim line between slutty and sexy. Suttle sex appeal goes a far way but it can become sultry very quickly. Avoiding things like I am a very sexual being and go for a flexible yoga pic without a comment or say something like, I can tie knots into to cherry stems with my tongue, build something like that into your profile. Or else you might be reduced to a. just sex or b. you take the mystic away from them. Men like the chase, the mystery.

 

  • Do not limit yourself by being too picky. Having standard is good and knowing what you want but I you turn up with a long wishlist you might be excluding somebody who is fitting but not in little details. Keep an open mind and be flexible, you are only going on dates and not mail ordering a groom.

 

  • Do not say things jerks, players and iditios move on, as that might be understood as a challange and as the law of attraction states by naming them you are actually inviting them along for the game.

 

  • Make yourself accesible by having conversation openers. The worst profiles are the ones that interest you but you do not know how to start a conversation with that person as they never provided you with a gateway.

 

Be direct while exuding mystery, be modest while flaunting what you have got, be open while explaining what you need. Be yourself, be flirty, not too cute and keep it brief. Do not lie, exaggaerate, intimdate or irritate.

Happy flirting everybody and may you find your soulmate, as I believe it is never too late in the game to have a second chance.

 

Sticky feelings

Attention, focus, where?

Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the type that sticks around like something’s in your teeth? I find that enticing depending on who we are talking about. Feeling a little like honey for the bees at the moment, which is entertaining as I am independent and enjoy being at a good point with myself and aiming my focus there. I am taking pleasure in and sucking up the beauty of life from the morning dew that sticks to the grass before the heat, to the ripples on the water formed by stones hitting it, from the wind blowing through the leaves and the wonderful forceful storms that roll over us at night, whilst helping others grow and find their path.

I have learnt that life is like a river, sometimes it is still flowing, sometimes an unpredictable force, that makes its own choice where to flow by right of passage. Manoeuvring its way across the landscape taking with whatever it wants whilst channelling its way moving forward.

Me and the river have things in common we flow at our own pace and in our own way. As life is not predictable and inevitably does not always go the way we want it to the secret to having a comfortable life is going with the flow and seeing where life takes you. Why bother forcing things? I have for too long with a minimal income to output given.

Do you ever get the feeling that you can’t shift the type that sticks around like something’s in your teeth?

Remembering the past

But why do people come back, what is their agenda? You are asking yourself why am I thinking about an agenda? Well everybody has an agenda. Behind everything we do, there is an agenda. Anyone denying that fact is being dishonest.

What is your agenda?

I have been dealing with someone for far too long that has a recurring pattern of coming closer and then pushing away. Actually, I can name a few in the past that did this. I know it is down to his reactive attachment disorder steming from the long hospital stays as a child, but if in inhibits you and ruins your relationships to others and puts them under emotional turmoil you should really get it sorted. However, with this one, it is very apparent to me what he is doing, despite his belief that I do not. He believes he is in control and controlling me. He does not realise I have had him sussed out all along, but to be quite honest I am at the end of my tether. I do not want to have to play games with someone who is immature, unhappy and has self-esteem issues that they let out on me. I want someone who wants me, treasures me, enjoys my company, can offer security and just lets a relationship grow naturally without overanalysing or forcing something.

I want someone who wants me, treasures me, enjoys my company, can offer security and just lets a relationship grow naturally without overanalysing or forcing something.

It is easy to say all this being in a position of contement but I worked to get here. All the sweat, pain and tears that flowed into getting here are not visible and the emotional scars are healing. They will take some time but man I fought to get here. When I did not know what to do or how to get here, I got myself help. So please do it for the people who surround you and have to put up with you, but most of all do yourself the favour and get yourself help. Life is too short and nice to waste it on petty games, hurting and harming yourself and others.

Life is too short and nice to waste it on petty games, hurting and harming yourself and others.