Unveiling

The fabric stories are made from

Every good story needs a secret. What is mine you are surely asking?

The excess is mine. My way of coping with emotional distress or pain is basically going into overdrive. The discontent manifesting itself in all sorts of forms. Depending on my feeling and the shape I am in resistance is impossible. Maybe it is the borderline traits or the hedonist in me or even both?

Coping with the loss I took to shopping to fill the void, the time before that I tried to wash away the pain, In another epitome, I took to vanishing – thank god that problem was only minor in hindsight and snapped out of it rather fast. Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all too well.

Yes, excess is a friend of mine know all to well.

But who am I punishing with this? Actually only myself, but my brain has somehow become wired that way. It actually believes this is the best way to cope and I am not the only one that functions that way. Realising this I am always on the ball questioning my choices but does this behaviour not lead to other problems e.g. becoming paranoid about your own choices. I find it tiresome and unnerving. Where is the balance and where do I go?

Learning but what is right?

I try to take everything as a learning experience but does that mean I take everything too seriously? I am trying to de-wire myself from the constant question feed, as I do believe in learning but I see the benefit in not questioning everything after getting to know someone who actually outshines me in that region. It makes you grumpy, lonely, unhappy and paranoid. I am too young to be a grumpy person. As my friend so nicely put it at the weekend we have known each other for eight years and you still look just like you did when I first met you. So if I do not look old why behave old?

Like in all things in life you need to have a balance but that balance is the hardest thing to obtain. It is like love an ever evolving, flowing and transforming matter.

Choices vs Voices

I am happy with my new lifestyle choices even if they are not appreciated and openly welcomed by all. In life, you have to do what is right for you. When I say that I mean things that entail your choices but do not harm others. Annoyances will occur and be unavoidable, unfortunately.

Find your path and follow it…

And if the people love you they will be happy for you.

Help, I need somebody – Help, not just anybody

What is going on?

In the wake of things, it has become painstakingly obvious that self-sabotage is my biggest flaw. What do you do when you realise you are your own worst enemy?

Our mind is a powerful tool, which when used the wrong way can lead to all sorts of ills. For instance, we start imagining things and believing they are real when they actually only stem from your own imagination. Illusion as the foundation for all evil. If you do not have the facts and you let your mind run riot…

Our mind is a powerful tool….

You know you have lost your mind, when…

I went a bit crazy last week and start imaging things to my dismay, dragging people into the vortex of my crazy mind. I ended up winding myself up more and more till I actually reached the point of break down. Not as bad as in the past years during my depression but bad enough to feel like I had harmed myself.
I was really saddened by the realisation that it had mainly stemmed from my own imagination. The enemy was me.
This not being the first time I had encountered this situation and I am really bent on getting this fixed as I for sure do not want to deal with this again and again or it to become a chronic coping mechanism.

Fear is the worst leader to follow. It will either inhibit you or worse drive you and in the worst case, it will devour you. I am sure you are all aware of the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy where what you focus on you attract. Meaning if you dread something and focus on it you will ironically attract exactly that.

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behavior which makes the original false conception come true. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning.

And so the behaviour manifests itself.

Well, meet the master. It is now obvious to me I have a problem and it will go on to my list of things to tackle in therapy. I never used to have this or at least not to this extent and I was blissfully unaware.

Solving your problems

There are many ways to tackle problems but all of them have certain things in common:

  1. To know you have a problem you need to realise you have one
  2. You need to be willing to do something about it
  3. Either you know the solution and if not do not be scared to ask for help
  4. Work on it, train the brain, perfect it, work on yourself

I am at stage three. I have half of the solution so I will go looking for the other half.

However, you should never be ashamed to ask for help or for acknowledging your flaws as it is not a weakness but a strength. Being true to yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are with all your facets is the most powerful thing.

You are you and all you do, all you want to change should be for you. The change you make for yourself is your biggest gift you can give yourself, as you do it for only you.

 

 

Grief or not Grief

It comes in waves

How or when do you know if it is grief or if you are heading towards a depression. It is hard to tell as both have very similar symptoms and grief can slowly transform into a depression. I am closely monitoring myself to avoid spiralling out of control again. I am also trying to counteract it by doing the opposite of what I did last time and what I feel like doing this time (want to stay home and mope on the couch), which is going out and socialising avoiding becoming an hermit.
Sometimes it is okay and I feel good and then around the next corner comes this waves of sadness or emptiness. To be honest I have not slept properly in ten days and feel absolutely exhausted. Unfortunately luck is not on my side at the moment, as the only thing that would cheer me up is out of reach. So I am doing best with what I have and trying to steer clear of the hole. It is so easy to get sucked into it rather then to get your ass up and do something to make you feel better.

Avoiding becoming an hermit

Feel Good Box

I put together a box for rainy days like this. It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better. So when I feel down I draw a card and see what it suggests. Obviously the idea is not to pull 100 as you will always find a reason to opt out of things when depressed or down. It is three strickes and you are out.

I find the it really helpful as I do not need to think of things which can be a challenge when you are sad. It gets me doing things instead of moping around which is paramount when you are down. It instantly cheers me up.

It is a box I enjoy the look of that is filled with colourful little handwritten cards that have things written on them that I enjoy and make me feel better.

Grieving is the time to be selfish

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently. I think the most important part is to follow what works for you and feels natural even if it is not what is perceived to be correct by society.
I know I am being selfish right now and I hope the people in my surroundings can accept and understand I have to handle it my way and the way that is right for me even if they feel locked out or ignored.

In a time like this there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is very individual every person handles it differently

 

Cornucopia

Confronted with the past

I was invited to a bbq this weekend where I encountered my old self incarnated in another human being and multiplied by two. It is hard to describe. This individual was absolutely pessimistic and determined to isolate the host while entrapping them into a discussion of how they are right and that is that. I used to be a grumpy pessimistic discussion leader. Funnily it was me who tried to steer the host into a safe haven. I looked at this person and actually felt sorry for not being able to see the nice things in life and also being so pigheaded in their opinions. I mean you do not always have to agree on everything but at least accept that there are different opinions and people are entitled to their own. There is nothing worse than someone who cannot accept other peoples opinions.

Englightment

I used to be soooo pessimistic about things. Coming out of the depression I wanted things to change. I did not want to have to fight for everything and avoid each thing becoming a challenge. There is this saying that says focus on the positive to attract positive. I do believe there is a truth in it. Maybe not in the sense of actual magnetism but likeminded likes to stick to likeminded. I realised that pessimistic people pulled me down and I no longer needed or wanted to be surrounded by people with that mindset.

I want kindness, good friends, upbeat people, respect and fun. So be kind to attract kindness is what I live by. Some days I feel grumpy too or have a bad day too but nonetheless, I try to stay optimistic and not give up. This mindset has helped me tremendously not just attracting the right people but also reminding me constantly that I want good things for myself, challenging myself to become a better person in the process.

So be kind to attract kindness is what I live by.

Ask and the universe will answer

I have always been fortunate to get a lot of what I asked for from the cosmos. Mainly it came with an odd twist. I have learned that if you ask the universe you shall receive. The requested wishes may not fulfil themselves exactly when and how you expected. Sometimes the universe chooses to execute things in the manner it deems suitable for you.
I put my faith in the universe to know what is best for me and ask kindly and humbly for what I need. Yes, I have lost my cool with cosmos, but I forgive it, as nothing is deemed to be perfect. Every individual being and object has its flaw but depending on the eye of the beholder it is visible or not to you.

 

Getting to the core

Shedding layers

Is integrally speaking a necessity. I have shed loads of old selves, reinvented myself. Shed layers and layers of skin. Peeled away at my soul to find the quintessence of my being and my problems but rarely do I let people in to see what is below the surface.

We all have these different facades which we have in place, depending on what kind of social interaction takes place the mask will change. Do we ever really know who is sitting in front of us? Do we sometimes get confused about who we are ourselves?

If your child, adult and parent are in tune, that I believe is when you are truly yourself as they are the parts that make you uniquely you.

Having been told that peeling away at the exterior was enjoyable and especially after revealing what lays beneath was a lovely compliment to receive. Having people question my single status based on my personality too. I have finally come to the point where I am in tune with myself and happy with the overall package that I am.

Despite all revelation is a feeling I am not quite sure where to place as it makes you vulnerable, susceptible to pain, which I have had enough in the last few years. On one side I long for depth but at the same time shy away of unveiling really all. Different people get to see different parts of me depending on how comfortable I am with you. Not letting people in is lonely but also leads to no serious connection, all stays shallow and without real depth.

Slowly I am learning that I need to take risks and accepting the fact that everything has a price it depends what you are willing to pay. Rather stay lonely but not mangled emotionally or let people in with the chance of getting hurt or disappointed.

If your child, adult and parent are intune I believe is when you are truly yourself as they are the parts that make you uniquely you.

How far did I come?

Where it all spiraled out of control

I went back to the roots of where my OCD spiraled out of control. It was this neighborhood ridden with crime, brothels, junkies. Three quarters have fell to gentrification and have been cleaned up but the core still remains. I ventured there as it was the location for the indiefilm I partook in.

The bar was a seedy, vile smelling old and gloomy establishment that had seen better days but supposedly was the suitable place for this coming of age story. It has sleaze stamped all over it. Not just because of the dirty and worn interior but the clientel was as much sleezy and had seen better days just like this establishment.
I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through. At first I was even reluctant to drink out of the glasses the thought of herpes sending chills down my spine but as time progressed I arranged myself. If you are invited it is very impolite to say no, so I joined in with the others. I had the most wonderful encounters with the millions of chewing gums that the working girls had stuck under the bar which made me want to wash my hands everytime I touched them by error, which was often and impossible during scenes. So that subsquently meant sitting it out.

I was grossed out but somehow I managed without the associated OCD fear to remain at the set and pull through.

It’s a wrap

No chance to hop into the shower and more confrontation therapy ahead I headed over to my dance studio. I have to admit I did choose a locker I would usual never choose to avoid contaminating myself in future. The same went for the yoga mat. After dance class I then wore my workout clothes rather then set clothes to a meetup I was joining. Also to avoid further contaminating a place which I frequent. At home I continued this meticulus behaviour avoiding contaminating the house. Taking everything off and placing it into my dance bag with the set clothes, after cleaning and washing every single item of my handbag as well as the handbag and shoes I hopped into the shower and took a long hot shower with disenfectant soap.

I know I could have done better and used this moment as chance to reinforce the new OCD free me but out of fear I chose not to. I felt like I was going a number of steps back in doing so and the feeling stuck a little. Even though I must admit a few years ago I would have never imagined even doing this project or going there. If somebody would have suggested it, I would have laugh at them. So I have come a long way and am currently at 95% before my OCD me, which frankly about 2 years ago during my depression I would haven never believed would be possible.

I am getting there one step at a time and setbacks are allowed. I can draw strength from the knowlege I am moving on and knowledge from the setbacks as I can analyse where I am still struggling pushing further past future boundaries.

Shop till you drop

Rolled down the hill, now I need to hike back up

I went into shopping excess to come to terms with my grief. Looking back surrounding myself with objects gave me comfort, distracted me and I had built a fort of things. In hindsight one of the dumbest things I have done but in that time it gave me solace. The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping. I wasted funds I didn’t have or would have needed for other things, which I will never get back. I managed to fill my place up with soo much stuff that the cellar is inaccessible and guest room as well unless you are a mountaineer. Not to mention the fact that I have spread my stuff to my mothers as well!

The mere thought of it all still evokes great emotions and makes me cry. I have to focus on the fact I was not well I was battling a horrible time and that was my way of coping.

Now I am better I am getting really annoyed with this excess baggage and I am trying to shift the lot. My frustration has reached an all-time high and I have started to declutter and get rid off things. Some are new, some are childhood/teenager things that remind me of happy times, some are hobbies I no longer do. All of it is cluttering my mind and weighing me down.
Mostly the new things I consider a burden as they were purchased when I was unhappy, not myself and my OCD went wild manifesting itself as a hoarding/shopping OCD. I just wished I had seen it earlier. It is not like I did not receive education regarding OCD when I was first treated but somehow therapists only inform you of the standard OCDs so you end up looking out for those. I found out the hard way that it can manifest itself in a multitude unimaginable otherways. Anything in excess is bad if you have had OCD.

Do I need that? Hell no!

The getting rid is a mixture of, that what I do not want but cost money to it might come in handy. It is hard to explain why in certain areas it is harder to let go of things than in others. I guess the things that I have owned longer and outgrown are easier to get rid off than things that are new and I do not like as the guilt eats away at me in that regard. Thank god not all are brand new and some of “the new things” are in actual fact secondhand things. Giving away or getting rid of the object is in some way a catharsis of guilt at the same time.

The thing that it will take the same amount of time and effort to eradicate the mess I have gotten myself into as it did to build the fort of things. The mere thought of the time invested is enough to put anyone off. So there is an ambivalence that I am fighting. Sometimes the frustration about the clutter gets the upper hand and sometimes it is the annoyance of the amount of work involved.
I have looked into getting myself help but that involves extra costs which I do not want to incur.

So I am left with my ambivalence, a gianormous workload and no clue what to do with the clutter.

Helping others

As I have tried to get back some money for things and failed horribly I will try to make the best out of this misfortune by donating the things to charities and people in need. The idea behind this is to turn the utterly bad experience into something good, something I can feel better about. Making it a double positive one for me and one for the other person involved. I believe that trying to see the good in bad situations is the way forward. Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.

Forgiving yourself, accepting and letting go of the past.