Shame on myself

The moments we kick ourselves about or simply say facepalm

I am not always the countenance in person (meaning I can lose it too). I have my flaws like everyone else and I am very passionate about the things I love.

Yesterday I ended up in a huge fight that somehow spiralled out of control because I was emotionally laden about it. Not my best 5 minutes. I know we are partially responsible about how we feel. Why partially only, well it all depends what the opposite is saying, but sometimes people pick things up far too emotionally especially if the opposing party says things in a very neutral tone and with a certain nonchalance.
In this case, it was a mixture of ill-chosen words, me feeling attacked and the indifference that sent me into a shouting banshee frenzy. Despite my warnings not to tap into my anxiety and push buttons of the past the person somehow managed to do that. Setting the sleeping wheels of fear into motion and subsequently triggering my fight modus in which I did not recognise myself. I became my father. The shouting person I used to loathe. The thing that drove me crazy and put the fear of God into me as a child.
It was not an intended as disrespect. Things were not said out of revenge but simply fear.

Fear is something irrational you cannot always steer it. No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning. It has an agenda of its own. It follows the primal part of your brain, the id.

I am not blaming or pointing a finger. In life, you should see everything a lesson to learn from and I have realised. I need someone who can offer me emotional security without suffocating me. Because being super attached will set off my flight modus. I need someone who will give me my space for my busy life without setting without triggering my abandonment fear.

No matter how much you believe your fear, anxiety or whatever is useless or rationally just crazy, it will sometimes not let itself be bottled by reasoning.

Sorry

If I could take the shouting back I would. I should have taken a timeout rather than trying to resolve it an emotional moment. Presumably blindsided by the fear I did not think of that at the time.
We are both scared of the same things and want the same things but I believe the fear got the better of both of us.
If I am indifferent you should be worried as then I do not care. As long as I am fighting I still have a heart and more feelings then I would like to admit or show you.

I know I deprived you of your peace and so did you with mine. The is merely a bump in the road. The slightest bump should not be an obstacle but something to work through and learn from. It takes time to acclimate yourself to someone, that will never happen overnight. I chose to remember the good things not the bad. I chose not to look for flaws but take the person for who they are and even love the things I hate about them. I worry because I care. I worry because I can feel your pain and fears. There is a lot of changes and shifts going on in your life and I get it. Take a breath and stop pressuring yourself. I am happy with you the way you are. I just ask for a little more compassion and consideration of my feelings, not more.

I wish I could go back but I cannot, so how do we go forward?

I would like to be a calmer person but for that, I need a certain amount of emotional stability.

Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.

 

 

Your Hobnail Boots

Think before you speak

How a mood can change in a blink of an eye just by saying something offensive. People are rarely aware of what they say and the way you phrase things can lead to a quite different outcome of a situation. It can cause an affront if a word or sentence is chosen without a second thought. That is, even more, the case when dealing with people that are not native to your language. Wright or wrong it still hurts.

I wish people would put more thought into their choices when communicating. In these fast-paced times with loads of communication pipelines, people have become lenient with their wording and unreflected when saying something. I do not always say kind things but even then they are never unreflected, which might seem to some cruel or harsh. Every word is orchestrated.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my surroundings to be slightly more refined with their communication, as you can often tell if someone is offbeat. Instead of receiving kind words and a shoulder to lean on when I am feeling down I have just received negative comments about my achievements. It hurts and everything is more amplified when you are down. I know the intention behind it was to push me to excel but it is a misguided version of it. The worst about it is I am guilty of the exact same crime. However, whenever I come across something that is done to me that I do not like and I realise I have done similar I will apologise. I enjoy reflecting on my behaviour to improve as that is the only way forward. I do not want to be a hypocrite.

Some days I am more sensitive than others, we all are. That is when I expect my sourroundings to be slightly more refined.

Settling myself

I am giving this whole discussion that is making me feel uneasy and unhappy a break. Giving things a breather helps me focus my attention, as well as calming my upset nerves. I know that avoiding things it not the way forward that is why I state it is a breather. Despite not feeling like going out and hosting my own meetup I will be joining my friends for drinks. Sometimes dragging yourself out even if you do not feel like it can help to change your mood and give you another mindset. Then I can tackle this discussion hopefully from a kinder and less personal angle. I do not want to be surrounded by negative people with a negative mindset. That will only lead to me withdrawing. I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

I want my life to be love, kindness, the fleeting happiness I mentioned, fun and positivity.

 

Sharing is caring

And sometimes the best things are to come of this

In the last 24 hours, I entrusted the most inner secrets inexplicably, things I actually would have either never disclosed or most certainly not at this point.
What came of it you wonder?
The first feeling was regretting to do so but as the conversation progressed I realised it opened doors unimaginable to me. It catapulted me into another part of this friendship/relationship. The vulnerability on both sides leading to a close fast bond that I had not experience previously. We knew and shared things with each other that were never mentioned before. Broken away was that seal of fear. Letting everything show all the scars, the battle wounds, the disappointments, the expectations, the hopes, the wishes and dreams. All leaving us raw – but together. That rawness being the fundament on which we could build. That cold hard concrete slab with all its skeletons being the thing we ignore after addressing it but stand on, firm, hard, sturdy and in the past, making us what we are today and it is the inevitable past that would carry the pillar of trust for the future.

If you do not take a leap of faith how will you ever know?

Bring out the best in me

In an ideal world we should bring out the best in each other. I felt that sharing all this was like a gunshot before the race, a mark of a beginning, hopeful and eager stepping on to the track. Position uncertain but with a really good feeling about the final line. Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwine with ours.

Some people somehow just feel like home. Their souls so beautifully intertwined with ours.

Closeness only comes to whom may try. If you want to lead a fulfilled life and relationship it takes courage. It takes overcoming pain and the fear of getting hurt, accepting the past and learning from it going forth, forgiving yourself for things handled ill and loving yourself for who you are. Accepting the other the way they are, listening and seeing the person for who they truly are. Accepting their past and helping them evolve and grow from there. Growing together rather than apart.

Thank you for that candid talk ❤︎

 

The princess on the pea or finding the needle in the haystack

What happened to the princes? Why are there only frogs?

Okay, so we all do not want to spend our life alone at least most. So why is it so hard to find someone? Even online where you have an abundance of choice it is still hard to find the fitting suitor. I do not believe that my requirements for my partner are unreasonable but I also do not want to settle for less. I know I will have to make a few compromises but I am not willing to compromise on everything. I believe a lot of people share my sentiment. So why has it become so hard and why is there seemingly less choice? Have we become less flexible or have our standards gone up?
I am sure as so many things in life the more available, accessible and advanced things become the more our requirements go up, e.g. like having a fridge or not in the 1950’s.

Where do I go from there in this catch 22 situation?

I mean I would like a reliable, loyal partner with ambition, humour and the same outlook and goals in life. Someone I can share my day with, surprise, have a laugh with, spoil and enjoy the finer things in life with. Ideal would be if he were educated, handsome and had a nest egg, but those are not the be all and end all of this.

So why did I get dealt so crappy hands?

I know my friends say you picked them. I am not quite sure that comment is fair. Seeing choosing a weirdo can always happen to anyone and the older you get the more faulty produce is left on the shop shelf, that is my saying.

Once upon a time and a whole lot of WTF

I will let you into some weird anecdotes of my dating experience of the last few years and yes there is a vast amount of weirdos.

  • We had plans to go for brunch (his idea, his choice of venue, really expensive restaurant), he came with a bag which I commented on (supposedly for fitness, more like weapon of excuse). Then he mentioned he had already eaten at home even before I sat down and did not want to order. The waitress was not impressed as they are only open for brunch, not drinks. I decided to have brunch. He listened to me, never told me really anything about himself. I wanted to finish by getting a fruit bowl, he said he needed to go to fitness. So my reaction was let me eat this then we can go. His answer no I really have to go to fitness and fled. Then it turned out he did not even pay for his drinks. Thank god the waitress was understanding and did not charge me. By the way, met this guy on an elite dating app and not tinder.

 

  • Another chap was even more disrespectful. He went on a drinks date, decided to invite his friend along after spending the hour before bragging about how well hung he is as he is Mexican. We went out as he and his friend smoke. Outside he was eyeing up another girl. The second time he went for a smoke I decided to stay indoors. He dragged the girl in and in all honesty tried to sell this drunken chick as an old acquaintance. However, they had not yet made the connaissance of my savvy self and slammed him in the floor by saying I know all and your bird will be going home with her male BFF as they have already been together that is why he is hanging on to her and drooling all over her. Congratulation you have just won the 1st prize for the shittiest date and I am off clubbing without you. Good luck on getting laid tonight.

 

  • This one is similar to the first and actually originated from the same app. Is it only me that sees a pattern? He showed up for the second date. All well and good we went for drinks and then when it came to paying he wanted to but his card got declined. He works as a financial lawyer. He only has one card? Mhhh I was annoyed but paid. The next day we met for lunch. Shortly after ordering he disappeared to the ATM, to only come back and beg me to pay. Are all these supposed hotshots pathological liars or con artists?

I am sure there are a few more that I cannot think of at the moment. Let me know what your experiences are and if you have a super partner how you found them. I am really curious.

In the mean time I will be analysing and thinking of ways how to find mr. right for me.

 

 

Painting a clearer picture

Really penning it down

For my own sake I need to be clearer. I have realised my defined standards are very vague leaving too much room for interpretation even on my side. As I am traipsing around quite uncertain if I am maintaining them or not? So how do I go about figuring out what I want and what I really want my standards to be? It is easy to say maintain your standards but how if you are quite uncertain yourself regarding what they exactly are?

I for one would like the following things:

  • Presence, someone who wants to spend time with me and enjoys my company
  • Manners, opens the door for me, lets me walk-in first, pulls the chair out for me
  • Spoils me, treats me to little things, takes notes of my wishes, does me little favours
  • Kind and Caring, listens to me, helps me, nurtures me
  • Communication, talks to me, shares their worries and daily little things
  • Hard working, is willing to work on the relationship as much as me
  • Honesty, fears not to talk about anything and everything with me, shares information with me
  • Loyalty, we have each others backs and do not stab each other in the back
  • Respect, accepts and sticks to my needs, boundaries, desplay that in his behaviour
  • Reliabilty, I can count on him to stick to his words and when I need him he will be there

Obviously all that I am requesting will apply to me offering in return.

 

Rules to live by

As a lady I am begging and groveling why?
That is a habit that has been pointed out to me. Supposedly I give men too many chances. I have come to realise the worst point is, I put myself down by negotiating when bad behaviour is presented towards me. A lady would never accept bad behaviour would she?

In the future the iron lady will rule. Have you ever realised that when we do not like someone or are only remotely interested in them it is very easy to apply standards, as you do not care for rejection. However, when we are smitten with a person we start lowering our standards, negotiating and sometimes even accepting bad behaviour. Why?
Out of self-worth and respect we should not falter.

Clarifying the standards:

  • 2 Strikes and you are out rule, fool me once shame one you, fool me twice shame on myself
  • Treating all the same, no matter how interested or not I am they will all get the same treatment for the same conduct
  • Rewarding good behaviour, compromises on thing I am not too excited about will be granted for good performance
  • Punishment, freez-out, igronace for bad behaviour, will be a dish served cold to the non-compliant
  • Never budge or Negotiate, standards are standards
  • Carry myself like a lady, always maintain poise and mystery

I hope that these points and me taking the time to really sit down and think about what I want will have a positive effect and reaffirm my own conduct and the way I carry myself.

Rome was not built in a day!

 

 

Weeding through rubbish

How many more?

I had a very insightful and productive conversation with my neighbour regarding online dating. Her impression was either side of the fence gay or not it is hard and no matter what gender you date, we all struggle with the same. Her point of view was also that I would have to go on dates with maybe 10 shitty guys, to then go on dates with another 10 that are okay, to then find 5 that I might be interested in. That is true however I do believe reality is harsher.

My analogy to dating:

You have a bowl of popcorn. That is the total global male population.
Half of that bowl of popcorn can get axed as they are too old or young. Then you can kill a quarter as they are taken, then you can half and that quarter and kill the 8th as they are gay, from the leftover 8th you can exclude the 12th as they are incompatible for reasons like education or do not speak the same language etc., the 1/24 do not want or have the same outlook, the 48th are commitophobics, and the last 96th are guys that are not my type. So in the best case scenario of a global male population of 3.08 billion, I just have to sieve trough roughly 39’583’333 Million men all over the globe. Mhh seems doable. Sarcastic cough. Plus that is not encompassing the more precise breakdown of it which at the end leaves me with a crumb of a popcorn due to wishes and values that should match up.

My whole analogy is realistic but got labelled harsh. Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away. Everything has become the chase for the next best thing, always trying to see if there might be something better that could tweak my interest.

Yes, life is harsh and with online dating, it has become this much harsher. Everybody a poke or swipe away.

Without the meandering possibility, the past presented itself simpler. I believe there was not the vast amount of possibilities so people did not think of looking for something better. In the two pools of very small communities I know in which people share the same wishes, hopes and values people seem vastly less picky and seem to settle easier. They seem happier and stick together.

Also, gender shifts, attitudes, fights and all that goes with equality, lead to more pressure and strain on relationships. It becomes harder to find someone who has the same wishes and expectations. Not to mention globalisation where people of all sort of socio-ecological background are now mingling whilst mangling the dating scene. Adding to the intricacy. We are all becoming more complex leading to our disintegration.

I love diversity but too much choice inhibits…