Rug tugg

Feeling safe is something else

I like to surround myself with people that make me feel safe that do not add extra stress to my life. If you are closely entwined emotionally, emotions tend to overlap, especially if you are empathic their feelings can start to influence you.
They may not purposefully want to offload their fear or negative emotions on you but they do, adding stress to the other person or in this case me.

The idea of a relationship is to share things, help and carry each other. Not adjourn or drag the counterparty into your mess.  If you start to withdraw and solve things by yourself you are on a fast track to relationship breakdown. Secrets are never a good angle nor is letting your shit out on a partner either. That only leads to detachment as I do not want to be influenced by your negativity and it removes the lovely fabric of safety you have tried to place upon me.

Much like the dog this all makes me sad.

Wrap me in your arms and make me feel safe

Safety is all I have ever wanted from a partner, which I have always been failed by. It is a limitation at their hand. Being promised to do so and it rarely materialising. Why promise something you are bound to fail at?

Never promise something you cannot hold as actions speak louder than words.

It is the support, the kindness, something nurturing, protecting which I long for. Somebody to scoop me up that makes me feel like home.

The one moment and then it is gone

There is this blink of an eye, it was there and now it is gone. That safe haven. The softness. At that moment butter would not melt in his mouth. Just that flicker and it is gone. Removed by your actions, your unkind and unreflected words, your harshness that was not there moments ago. Your retraction to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy with it all hurting me and damaging us.
Instead of accepting the fact that this imperfection is a momentary blip on the horizon of what is to come. I am not 100 per cent happy with my life it has its flaws. I wished I was somewhere else at the stage of the game but I chose to make the best of what I have and be thankful for the chances that present themselves to me instead of pushing them away.

Be happy with what you have, embrace it and work towards what you want to achieve with a positive and mindfull attitude. Go forth with happiness and the path will be an easier one.



Vacant, Exhausted and Neutral

Brain not working…..

This weekend I decided to take a slower pace and ended up more exhausted after the weekend than when I kept going. Mind you probably burning the candle at both ends is finally catching up? Maybe it was the subsiding energy mixed with the relaxation I don’t know. I am not used to having a vacant, no stress, fearless composure. The last few years were a rollercoaster of emotions with an underlying constant stress. Maybe being myself again has eradicated the anxiety and all the emotional turmoil of the past has left my soul in need of recuperation and relaxation.

What do you do when you are empty?

I accept it and am just glad to be. It is a little like being an innate object but I like it. It feels so pacified after all the madness. If and when situations like this promote themselves then just flow with them, switch your mind off take a downtime and accept it as a treat, as in this hectic world we do not embrace the time out enough anymore. There is always something we should be doing or someone we should be meeting and if not we artificially construct something to fill our time.

The poison is in the dosage

It is an art form to master getting the measurement right of activeness, relaxation and tasks. We all have things that need to get done. Those should be done first just so they are a. done (excuses always arise) and b. fun things can be enjoyed (no nagging conscience). After doing the tasks that are considered work, do something fun reward yourself with something relaxing or active that you consider fun. There are some things that might fall into the category fun and task at the same time, in my eyes they are rewards too as I enjoy the task, i.e. for me grocery shopping. Just also be aware to take timeouts where you just relax and lounge not just pursuing the active treats.
You should try to get a balanced schedule, a bit like a varied diet too much of anything is not good. I try to plan my week and weekends, but I also choose a lot of space for spontaneity as I enjoy deciding based on my mood. My friends are not too pleased with the newly discovered spontaneity they half-heartedly accept it. At the end of the week, you should be able to look back and say it was a productive but also an enjoyable week.

You should try to get a balanced schedule, a bit like a varied diet too much of anything is not good.

So this week I will be relaxing more than usual and just being.